This is a real time account about my life both as a catharsis (I think writing will help me in many ways) and because I love writing. Right now I am at a crossroads, in many ways.
I have just walked out on a man I loved deeply after visiting him in the United States and seeing him for the first time in 30 years only to find all was not what he said it was. That in itself is a story.
I live in Perth, Western Australia. I am 48 years old. Divorced long ago. I have two children who will be 19 and 21 this year and are the sunshine. They really are amazing boys with good heads and very good hearts and I am so proud of them (that includes my eldest who even though his neurodegenerative disease has taken much that others take for granted he still wakes in the morning with a marvelous zest and outlook on life) and he is still with us and for that I am exceptionally grateful.
As those who know me well know I have never been completely conventional and have done many crazy, wonderful things in my life and had often been told I should write a book. It is my intention to once I get over this… life bump….
At this later stage in life I have managed to overcome many years on anti depressant medication that I now know was unnecessary (even though I have suffered from depression. My childhood and other factors are things that need to be dealt with and may have caused much of the pain I have known in my life) and impacted upon some of the decisions I made along the way including losing a large sum of money that if handled well, today I would be financially extremely independent instead of with nothing and trying to start again but that is life and you do the best with what you have. Plus I am always aware that my son may get to point where he needs around the clock care and that will be my job, I would not have it any other way.
But one thing is becoming abundantly clear to me, particularly in my latest experience; you can have all the money in the world but it won’t make you a good person or fill the gap that sits in your soul if you have allowed yourself to become that way.
I would rather have nothing material as long as I have awareness and presence of mind to appreciate all the wonders life has has to offer in the simple things; the stars in the sky, the sound of the wind blowing through the trees, the beautiful cerulean blue sky and the red earth of the desert. The absolute honesty you get from children before they lose their ‘curiosita’ as explained by the amazing Da Vinci. The truth and beauty of the animal world..there is so much that we exclude and don’t see these days in the pursuit of the ME, the ego and the dollar.
I know that some I have known pass judgement on how open and honest I am and feel that all should not be laid bare for all to see in public and I say to them that I appreciate the concern and if you choose to live your life a certain way then do so but it is not for you to pass judgement on anyone else. We have one life to live as we see fit whether it is right or wrong and as long as you do not hurt others then go about it your way, for you.
I have made a promise to myself in the last few days to live my most authentic life and follow my bliss and I want to take others along with me as much as I can when I can….I am still learning…
TO THE UNIVERSE….WHERE WOULD YOU HAVE ME GO AND WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?