Its taken a while but my 20 year old (my youngest son..whom is well) made a valid point yesterday. We spent some valuable one on one time…rare these days but wonderful.
What is the the point of “life beyond him” mum..’him’..that time..is over.
He was right. I no longer consider that time in my life as relevant.
He..Him..is now a figment. A colossal waste of time and energy. And the rest pretty much are too. A ridiculous aberration. A dumb ass period of absolute futility.
I have dated a couple of times after him who shall remain nameless. In the rare time I would lift up and say ohh fuck it I have to get out..it reiterated that even though there are nice guys there..rare.. I am older and far more aware of what fits and what doesn’t.
I have finally learned and had enough. Now it is all about peace and being happy with me. Just me.
I still talk to Yank 2. The stayer in this all. He who shall remain nameless predicted I had a connection with Y2. Yes, I guess he was right. And very recently we seemed to get closer again. But I am no longer happy banging my head, considering the man first, penis driven (not that Y2 and I have been able to consummate as such..we only skype, email and phone but hell we’ve had some fun!). And he is damned interesting and funny and alot of things certain others just aren’t.
But I am also not certain about him. I met his beloved older brother, whom he loves and absolutely adores…when I was in Sydney earlier this year and he was lovely. Then there was a family wedding I was asked to go to, it seemed to be the thing…it kept us motivated for a while. I was meant to fly to Chicago to attend and to see him and luckily it didn’t happen. It appears it just wasn’t right. We are half a globe away. He had said that when it came to crunch time (a couple of days before I flew) he felt “If you see a tornado, do you run to it or from it?”
He told me that after we hadn’t spoken for a couple of months, and then only as friends.
I love him as a friend. And as time has gone on maybe more..again. Our conversations and other has progressed again. But I am SO DONE with all the wank and bullshit between men and women these days.
There is no such thing as loyalty. Everyone is looking for the next best thing. At the drop of a hat.
I’ve been through a blinding depression again recently. I have not felt so damn black and hopeless and profoundly sad and…oh the list goes on for a long time and this time sans medication. I have questioned why the flying fuck am I here…aside from my anchors..my sons. I can’t be bothered talking about it because these days everyone has an ‘expert’ opinion. AND THEY ARE JUST FUCKING IGNORANT AND WRONG more often than not.
So I don’t bother.
I can’t be bothered with lack of intelligence, experience and ignorance. Bias, parochialism, idiocy, self centredness, narcissism and Machiavellianism.
But it seems to be the way of the world. Elections, business, government, relationships etc.
It is time to say farewell to this blog. My friend indeed. It has served me well.
It is time to start a new thing. New title, theme, life, attitude…oh geez..god knows what…
At this stage I am tiddly and tired. My shuffle on Ipod has just started to play White Zombie…something really heavy and right now…it just doesn’t resonate.
Need to just write afresh. Start afresh when I feel motivated. Maybe use another method of reach. I am not happy with the fact that the people you don’t want to access your writing like prospective employers, government, other organisations and people that should have no real business in your business, use the public domain to form opinions and biases when in all reality sometimes they have no idea what is real and what is not.
In essence..if we are not at work or whatever it is none of their damned business. Stop spying you arseholes…FUCK OFF
Anyway. I thank my loyal few followers and readers. I wish you all alot of love and luck.
I will write again…under a different title and probably pen name..I hope we meet again
Love an whitelight xxx