I have tried to write everyday because at this point my mind is not in a good place and this has been one of my alternatives to revisiting my psychologist and a bit cheaper! This and pen to paper in my journals which I adore as I love to write. I like formal writing too but this is a casual, often filled with incorrect grammar and sentence structure forum. I know it, but in this I am lazy and find I just type the information as it bleeds out of my brain. 2 years ago my psych told me it was a damn good idea and as I have mentioned often for me it is cathartic.
As with many times over the last few days since my final goodbye to the Italian (the new ‘him’ formerly T.G.O) certain things pop up and remind me of him. Just then the word cathartic reminded me of how twice but more recently the other day he asked me to define the word because he didn’t know what it meant. He had in fact asked me before a while back but didn’t remember that. But sometimes I think his responses were more his attempt at tongue in cheek humour and it did make me laugh, although it is hard to know. I guess I never will. I am mourning the fact that we both will never know each other properly, never took that chance to take the time to do so, put the effort in, without one or the other just wanting to end it as it just seemed too hard. Its what we both do, I can’t just blame him.
I so enjoyed my chat with Yank 2 Monday and felt quite struck by the depth of feeling I found I had for him still but it in no way comes close to my feelings for ‘him’. Yank was so very sweet and sent a message “please take care of yourself Roz, hugs xx” I guess he knows that the eye of the tornado is only momentarily peaceful.
I had to get out yesterday and just go and spent the day out because laying in bed sad, defeated and numb was just too much. I never thought I would be back here again so soon. On the train (I won’t drive when I have had alcohol) I found myself thinking how much had happened over the last few years it was like being knocked down in a fight and getting back up again only to be knocked back down again. Sometimes it felt like there were two fighters against the one, one on each side taking their turn.
I know I will be judged for the way I am not handling things, quite frankly I can’t also take on board other peoples opinions because if I allow that the weight of judgement and expectation would surely put me in the ground. I have learned that. And after my last bad depression and coming off the meds I made the decision to be open and out there about it, writing this blog and I am open on FB too much so at times. But I find it helps me from detaching completely. I already look at the world in a very different way than most. There is a lot of cruelty out there. Cruelty, lack of compassion and understanding and just generally low tolerance for whatever is judged as a person’s weaknesses. Its like a pack of hyenas always circling around the weakest of the pack ready to eat them alive. Right now I can not handle cruelty on any level. But it is survival of the fittest.
Sayings such as ‘suck it up princess’, ‘grow a backbone’, and then all this mindfulness stuff that raises the expectations of what we should be and makes those having a tough time feel even more like they are failing. Marketing in a commercial world gone mad. Its made us all feel we are sorely lacking in some way or that if we dont buy this, live this way, do this, present this image in front of our peers we are missing out. FOMO…classic marketing term “Fear of Missing out”. Sadly my marketing degree years ago illuminated to me all of these psychological angles and at the end of the degree I realised I couldn’t work in an industry that played to peoples fear and anxiety.
I am trying to figure out if I am a certifiable lunatic or just far too sensitive for this world. I dont have any degree of success in any kinds of relationships. The only thing I know I wanted to be good at was loving and caring for my sons and those I love.
I need to keep focusing on the important things to stay sane. I will get to see my eldest Saturday for the first time in a while, and that is a very big blessing. It is the only time I feel like all is right with the world just being in his presence and my other son. He tried to talk to me on the phone the other day but I could not understand the words as his tongue is now completely out of his control. Something so simple that we take for granted, being able to talk and swallow, eat and taste food.
It has been going on now for a couple of years at this level of degeneration and it is my constant companion in my mind and heart. It is hard to take. I have no control over it. And at a time when I should be strong I feel very very weak. Weak, confused about life and my place in it. I see no future, haven’t for a while, I have been keeping that to myself. All the noise I make about other things just covers up a well of pain that temporarily covers over and then is torn back open again.
There are times when I have stood up and fought and said ‘fuck you you will not defeat me’. Right now that strength has left me. Its day to day. Right now I need to make it to Saturday, to see my boy. Day to day.
Love and whitelight xx