Train wreck or hot mess?..semantics

Either or, I am definitely one of those, a spectacular train wreck or a bloody hot mess at this time. I woke up and thought that the universe had seen fit to reward my bad behaviour by restoring my sight to 20/20 and then I realised I was so completely inebriated last night I had fallen asleep with my contact lenses in…AND I NEVER DO THAT…

It illustrated to me that I was so far gone and I am so full of remorse today because like a complete twat I wrote long texts to ‘him’ (formerly known as T.G.O..I can’t even bring myself to say it) and was basically barraging the poor guy. You look at yourself and say ‘my god, I have become one of them, those women that are pathetic…the stalking banchi’s you see going bananas and hammering a poor guy never leaving them alone’…I am a reasonably intelligent woman (some have even called me very so…meh) but I was showing no signs of intelligence last night.

Although everything else is up the shit right now, the only thing I seem to be able to feel deeply about is how I will never see this man ever again. And even though so much of us was not quite right all I can think of was the good and sometimes funny things about him like how daggy he could be and his retro terminology. He would love to make love when we were out of it, if we were I knew I was in for a bloody good time. Crazy times, at our age but fun and funny and so enjoyable. Not all the time, too tiring but special.

In the midst of the barrage last night something strange happened. For a split second there was complete clarity (yes even whilst blind drunk) it was like my guides were seeing how much I was struggling and in pain by it all and they gave me a message. A clear ‘aha’ moment where I realised that he and I had unfinished business from a previous life, there was a soul connection somewhere past and this was my penance in this life. It was like a karmic response to something previous and that I had to take that lesson and realise that we are not meant to be in this life. May never be but in this we are done. So I sent a message that I wished him love in this life and apologised for my craziness.

Off the planet, maybe so to some but I believe. So much of what is happening right now is as a consequence of past lives. There are lessons to learn and karmic debt to be repaid if I can put it like that, right now I am having trouble enunciating as I am still vastly hungover and tired.

Later today I may be talking to Yank 2 via Skype. He messaged me yesterday. It was a nice ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark stormy day. I missed talking with him and his crazy highbrow way and the things we discuss are sometimes so way out most would think we were definitely nuts but its great because he challenges me intellectually and I love that.

But relationship material we are not and I dont feel that way about him anymore. And part of me feels like I shouldn’t because I am betraying ‘him’ but that is silly because he no longer cares and I must let go. It was what he wanted. God I miss him already. So sad about it all.

I need to go and have something to eat and try to find a way to rise above this stuff right now….

Love and whitelight xxx

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