I had to write this..because tonight..I felt the time not a split second as such but I fantasized for moments about the peace going to sleep forever would bring. And I haven’t felt that for a long time. And it is in that split second..that complete peace makes you feel that is the way to go..for a second of complete non lucidity..it seems right and if you have toyed with the plan..it just may work..no..that is not always how it works because sometimes you plan for days, maybe even weeks, with preciseness what will give you the peace you seek. You think it will also relieve the people who know you and that is the biggest pay off. No more bullshit. She’s finally done it…it wasn’t unexpected…we will miss her or him..how often do we think of Robin Williams or Charlotte Dawson anymore? Things fade from memory. WE fade..in the memory in time…
I don’t know. I guess the time is individual.
Why am I writing this? now that I have just verbalised the above..it has taken some of the impetus out of things.
Tonight, I let go of the ‘good one’ (but that isn’t the reason for feeling like I wanted to depart this world). Today after realising he was once again going into his ..whatever it is phase, I realised it simply wasn’t where I wanted to be. He text me as I knew he would with excuses about how he wanted to ‘give tonight a miss’ if that was OK? But lets catch up next week sometime? I knew it was coming. Quite frankly, I was only half there anyway. And I have come to realise how INSIPID he was as a man. And that will suit someone, I guess. But not me. I cant do INSIPID. That has been half my problem in choosing men…I go for the ones who seem to have BALLS… but inevitably THEY ARE FUCKING FREAKS.
So it is one fucking crazy scenario after another. WHY do I bother? WHY do I go back out there into the FUCKING WILDS OF BORNEO and keep FUCKING TRYING??? And irony amongst irony’s I am now back in touch with Yank 2. As friends. The “good one would not like that but he doesn’t see, to give a flying fuck anyway…about anything
But no. AS I said. It wasn’t that that almost put me past the edge…I have been feeling it for a little while now. Been fighting it.
It just seems like INFINITE PEACE.
Away from all the fucking crazy shit that is constantly there. Relentless at times. I should have have balls not to leave before my son does , and then again I have another son who needs me..to an extent.
But it is becoming exhausting right now…
More tomorrow, hopefully… Love and whitelight xx