Blast from the past…taking time out

Life is strange. The twists and turns that make it so unpredictable.

I woke this morning to a ‘ping’ sound, the message notification from FB Messenger. I have to admit I was very surprised by who it was. The beauty of Facebook and other forms of media these days is that people can find you. I guess writing a public blog pretty much puts it out there too! Yikes.

A number of years ago when I was living in Sydney I met an American (Yes, yet another one! Yank 3!!) whom I saw for a little while and it was quite an interesting time to say the least. Ultimately, he had to fly back to the states because his son was still young enough that he needed to be accessible to him and he was still quite attached to a woman he had dated for a long time. I knew that and although I liked him alot, at the end I realised we weren’t going to go anywhere anyway so I let it go.

He did make contact a few times after that but there were a few things that I had to question about him before he left and I felt it was all best left in the past.

This morning I heard from him again. The one thing I have always loved about yank men is that they can be quite damned schmaltzy and romantic. Aussie men are different. I am not going to try explain it because it usually gets the same answer ‘that’s just generalising’ and in a way I guess it is.

His opening line ‘miss you, I’m in Guam, you’re closer now’. Kind of sweet! We had a short chat and he even said ‘I nearly stayed with you in Sydney but my son was still too young and needed me’, well, that was interesting and I am not sure about that comment but it was still kind of sweet.  I know he is in Guam because when I was looking at the stats of my blog, yesterday’s had just one country and it was Guam. He’d obviously found my blog! But with this guy you’d just never know. He gets around. Sydney, Asia, Israel, Colorado, Texas, South Carolina, Wyoming…. I always seem to meet the real ‘characters’ of life. I must admit he did fascinate me. I guess the story may unfold or he may just fade into oblivion again…

Yank 2 and I had a marvelous few hours on Skype again at the beginning of the week. It was so good to talk with him. But I know he and I are only ever going to remain friends and that may fade into the distance as well sadly. But it is good to talk to him, he has a very unique perspective on things and is ultra intelligent. At times the other night I found myself thinking that I never really had a chance with this guy because he would realise eventually what a fraud I am, I, am only average intelligence and would never be able to keep up with him. I have never met anyone like him. I hope we do remain friends. He did lecture me again, about a number of things and about the way I referred to some of the guys I had dated by nationality. We had been talking about what happened with ‘the good one’ who I referred to as the Italian after I dropped TGO! He was quite serious about it and felt it was derogatory. But to me it was just names I had used to refer to these guys in my blog so that they remained anonymous, like characters in a story. No offence intended, I am not wired like that.

And then Sunday night in yet another drunken stupor, yes I had been doing it alot as I needed ‘time out’, things have been very difficult and it has been hard to hold in there. I did see my beautiful eldest son the day before and it was amazing, it was the most ‘at peace’ I had felt for a long time but it was short relatively and when he had to leave it was so tough to wave goodbye. Every time I see him now I pray it wont be the last. But the disease is doing its best….

So, as I said…Sunday in a slight alcoholic haze I decided it was a good idea to talk to ‘the good one’…OK hand up..I am certifiable, I already admitted that! But he was as he always is, willing to chat and it almost seemed as though he may have missed me (in my head maybe!) but we flirted and had a lot of fun. That kind of chemistry is usually there with us that was never really a problem. And it was left in a nice way. We may remain friends and still catch up from time to time, I guess it is open. I had found over the week or so after I closed it off with him that the amount of pain I initially felt faded fairly quickly because my mind and heart had got so used to constant battering not just from him but after Joe in particular and yes some of the same dance with TGO that I finally was able to accept him just as he is. Only a friend. One that I cherish time with, but he is probably not my ‘forever after’ also as he said to me, ironic. It made me realise what I do want in a relationship, and none of these guys have it or can give it. They all have something special and unique, I joked with yank 2 that if I could take bits of all of them and roll that into the one person I would have my perfect man! He laughed at that!

The last couple of days I have been OK. I have been OK with myself. The realisation that that is the single most important thing moving forward. Being OK with me and just me. I think I may have weathered the emotional storm and side stepped what could have been a dive back into depression…now to get my strength back and re enter the real world…

Love and whitelight xx

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Shades of crazy…Jimi rules!

Image shared courtesy of Tinybuddha.com with thanks

I read my post of yesterday with complete dismay. So, so low. Bordering depressed, in fact there would surely be a diagnosis of depression at some level if the current standard of psychology was applied;

Criteria for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks. Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline. Impaired function: social, occupational, educational. Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:

1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).

2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day

3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite

4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia

5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation

6. Fatigue or loss of energy

7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt

8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness

9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan

Irrational worry, preoccupation with unpleasant worries, trouble relaxing, feeling tense, fear that something awful might happen. Substance abuse causing depressed mood (eg. drugs, alcohol, medications)

If this is the case then I have surely been depressed for the last 3 months because I hit every bullet point and theoretical standard they apply.

But in today’s lucid light I look at my circumstances (in no particular order of importance)  and say NO. I HAVE FUCKING GOOD REASONS TO FEEL AS I DO RIGHT NOW. Lets take a look:

I have just lost a relationship with someone I adored as a friend and lover. Nothing when it comes to relationships is ever guaranteed but I treasured what we had, what little of it there was. So it is painful, but that is life. Things end. But some people remain inside no matter what.

I have a son (my eldest) that for years has been fighting a disease N.B.I.A which in the last 2 years has amped up, working its way through his body enough that I know I may lose him sooner rather than later. And watching what it is doing to him is killing me because there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT. I have known for years and thought I had come to a place of peace and acceptance about it but now I know I have not. I may not handle things as well as most but watching your child (now adult) lose their chance at a full and happy life whilst they also lose their ability to do simple things like walk, talk, eat, see and are in constant pain and  become trapped in their bodies is ….fucked. I have always been grateful for the time we have had with him, some parents barely get to hold their child before they are taken away. But this is my story and my pain and at times I just do not deal with it well. And it has been going on for a long torturous time.

Very recently I have taken a hammering (in confidence and chances in the future) from the loss of 2 jobs, in a bad economic environment and I am aging to boot so my value in the workplace has been further diminished but not only that I found that I could not work in environments that disrespected and devalued you with constant threat of ‘if you dont like it there are hundreds more that will’ with no-one else willing to take a stand for their basic rights for fair pay and conditions because they themselves are too scared which effectively perpetuates this horrible battery hen situation.

There are other things too such as going through that marvelous gift to women in their 50’s; ohhh boy aren’t we the lucky ones; giving birth leaves our bodies wracked with problems like leaky bladders and stretched and prolapsed vaginas, our bodies in pain, stretch and sag and bleed sometimes so profusely that we often have days where we dont know our own name let alone where we are and whilst we go through this fun men of similar age are busy looking for women half our age because who wants to fuck a saggy vagina and a woman with “baggage” baggage that has more than likely partially been left by the constant drive by shots in the heart from they themselves….breathe Rozy….

As I said, I could go on but I have had my rant.

So my plan for today is pretty much as yesterday until I get my head back together from everything.  I just got a text from yank, bless his heart, he does care! I was listening to Jimi Hendrix late yesterday as I poored myself a number of Mojitos and as I muddled the lime and mint I realised and passed comment in a message to him that the only greens (green vegetables) I seem to be eating lately is the mint in my Mojitos!! His answer today to that and I know he is driving his truck right now but possibly on a short break in order to do it was “Jim rules! Enjoy…Hugs K…”

Image result for when the power of love

Here is one of my favourites Hendrix songs although it is hard to choose as i just love his music fullstop!

Voodoo Child;  https://youtu.be/IZBlqcbpmxY

So today more of Jimi and my wonderful wet bar. I have nearly made it to tomorrow when I see my beautiful eldest son and I know the joy of holding him will surpass everything. And everything I feel right now will fade whilst I am with him. But til tomorrow….

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

Remember the important things

I have tried to write everyday because at this point my mind is not in a good place and this has been one of my alternatives to revisiting my psychologist and a bit cheaper! This and pen to paper in my journals which I adore as I love to write. I like formal writing too but this is a casual, often filled with incorrect grammar and sentence structure forum. I know it, but in this I am lazy and find I just type the information as it bleeds out of my brain. 2 years ago my psych told me it was a damn good idea and as I have mentioned often for me it is cathartic.

As with many times over the last few days since my final goodbye to the Italian (the new ‘him’ formerly T.G.O) certain things pop up and remind me of him.  Just then the word cathartic reminded me of how twice but more recently the other day he asked me to define the word because he didn’t know what it meant. He had in fact asked me before a while back but didn’t remember that. But sometimes I think his responses were more his attempt at tongue in cheek humour and it did make me laugh, although it is hard to know. I guess I never will. I am mourning the fact that we both will never know each other properly, never took that chance to take the time to do so, put the effort in, without one or the other just wanting to end it as it just seemed too hard. Its what we both do, I can’t just blame him.

I so enjoyed my chat with Yank 2 Monday and felt quite struck by the depth of feeling I found I had for him still but it in no way comes close to my feelings for ‘him’. Yank was so very sweet and sent a message “please take care of yourself Roz, hugs xx” I guess he knows that the eye of the tornado is only momentarily peaceful.

I had to get out yesterday and just go and spent the day out because laying in bed sad, defeated and numb was just too much. I never thought I would be back here again so soon. On the train (I won’t drive when I have had alcohol) I found myself thinking how much had happened over the last few years it was like being knocked down in a fight and getting back up again only to be knocked back down again. Sometimes it felt like there were two fighters against the one, one on each side taking their turn.

I know I will be judged for the way I am not handling things, quite frankly I can’t also take on board other peoples opinions because if I allow that the weight of judgement and expectation would surely put me in the ground. I have learned that. And after my last bad depression and coming off the meds I made the decision to be open and out there about it, writing this blog and I am open on FB too much so at times. But I find it helps me from detaching completely. I already look at the world in a very different way than most. There is a lot of cruelty out there. Cruelty, lack of compassion and understanding and just generally low tolerance for whatever is judged as a person’s weaknesses. Its like a pack of hyenas always circling around the weakest of the pack ready to eat them alive. Right now I can not handle cruelty on any level. But it is survival of the fittest.

Sayings such as ‘suck it up princess’, ‘grow a backbone’, and then all this mindfulness stuff that raises the expectations of what we should be and makes those having a tough time feel even more like they are failing. Marketing in a commercial world gone mad. Its made us all feel we are sorely lacking in some way or that if we dont buy this, live this way, do this, present this image in front of our peers we are missing out. FOMO…classic marketing term “Fear of Missing out”. Sadly my marketing degree years ago illuminated to me all of these psychological angles and at the end of the degree I realised I couldn’t work in an industry that played to peoples fear and anxiety.

I am trying to figure out if I am a certifiable lunatic or just far too sensitive for this world. I dont have any degree of success in any kinds of relationships. The only thing I know I wanted to be good at was loving and caring for my sons and those I love.

I need to keep focusing on the important things to stay sane. I will get to see my eldest Saturday for the first time in a while, and that is a very big blessing. It is the only time I feel like all is right with the world just being in his presence and my other son. He tried to talk to me on the phone the other day but I could not understand the words as his tongue is now completely out of his control. Something so simple that we take for granted, being able to talk and swallow, eat and taste food.

It has been going on now for a couple of years at this level of degeneration and it is my constant companion in my mind and heart. It is hard to take. I have no control over it. And at a time when I should be strong I feel very very weak. Weak, confused about life and my place in it. I see no future, haven’t for a while, I have been keeping that to myself. All the noise I make about other things just covers up a well of pain that temporarily covers over and then is torn back open again.

There are times when I have stood up and fought and said ‘fuck you you will not defeat me’. Right now that strength has left me. Its day to day. Right now I need to make it to Saturday, to see my boy. Day to day.

Love and whitelight xx

 

Jollies and Jamesons..Love, tornado

Something quite unexpected happened yesterday when I saw the yank (2) again after a number of months apart. We chatted easily and laughed alot, both of us off our rocker, I hadn’t realised I had managed to down nearly half of a new bottle of Jamesons over a number of hours though but mainly whilst he and I were skyping. We do that, manage to chat for hours on end, marvelous happy and witty banter.

I wasn’t expecting to feel what I felt. I was in a sad way most of the morning about ‘him..T.G.O’, you know that horrible feeling you have in your heart and your body just feels sick inside. But you have to move through it, feel it, no matter how hard you try to block it out it is better to move through it..yes I have become quite an expert on this I have been there alot over the last few years with Yankees x 2 and the Italian (formerly known as the good one LOL).

I dragged my sorry arse to the local bottle shop yesterday morning and bought my bounty with the express desire to get numb again and continue to do so until I didn’t need to feel it anymore. Not very grown up behaviour for a 50 year old woman but life has been a bit merde lately, that’s my pathetic excuse. Yank 2 had always said to me my redeeming feature was my self awareness, I am certifiable yet very self aware.

Anyway, ironically and even though he himself had been out most of the evening in Chicago drinking and shooting pool, his ritual on his nights off driving. Sunday night (Monday in Australia) pool night at his favorite bar and Monday, well we used to Skype both nights on his nights off. Tuesdays were often for 7 or 8 hours, a bit less if it was a work night for me.

I now marvel at how we managed to do it but it was just like we were sitting in the lounge together spending quality time it was the only way to keep it going without being in the same country and time meant nothing we were always so engrossed. He would even many times end up only going for a couple of hours to catch up with friends or not at all because he said he didn’t need to anymore when he had me he preferred to just spend that time with me. He did not like to miss skype nights. We would write emails to each other daily, I would always wake to one and I would send one for him for when he finished work, before he went to bed. And we would speak on the phone too. I would say to him..go out, you need your time out and I truly meant it but he would always choose us.

It was funny because I knew he would do as he said the day before and want to skype yesterday. I looked forward to it. And when I saw him for the first time again I was shocked at how his presence or more so his charisma just came back through to me, his voice, his amazing smile. That wonderful brain. Some people just have it in spades.

But he was right on to it again he always managed to let me know my many faults; “have you developed a bit of a drinking problem?” (said he who drinks and smokes regularly and sometimes quite heavily) “How do you know?” I said. He just looked at me and said ‘Oh Roz’ and laughed. I told him about the Italian and how I was just going through the motions of relationship death roll and other things were difficult right now too.

I was about to ask him about why we just ended as we did a few days before I was due to fly out to Chicago as we had planned (it was me who ultimately told him to forget it, but…) and he must have sensed it because he said “do you wanna know why…(not finishing the sentence, not having to)” he said “I want to tell you why…When you see a tornado coming do you run to it or from it”. “A tornado? So I am a tornado” I said. “You know what I mean” he said. “Yes, I guess I do”.

The long but wonderful skype talk left me feeling happier (it seems the yank and I will continue to stay in touch as friends, I do enjoy our chats, but that is all I have in me for now. I woke to a text message from him this morning which was sweet), but I found myself milling over the ‘tornado’ comment and being tiddly as I was I knew I shouldn’t but I had to ask and the only one I knew I could was the Italian. So I text him (yes, again) and told him what the yank had said and he pretty much replied immediately that he did not agree with that comment. That was sweet of him considering. God I will miss him. In the cold light of the morning I realise how fucking crazy it was to text him but I wasn’t thinking straight last night. Will I ever again? Think straight?!

No alcohol today. My body has had enough and it is just playing with fire to keep that ridiculousness up. I need to treat my body with some respect. I need to refocus.

Love and whitelight xx

Train wreck or hot mess?..semantics

Either or, I am definitely one of those, a spectacular train wreck or a bloody hot mess at this time. I woke up and thought that the universe had seen fit to reward my bad behaviour by restoring my sight to 20/20 and then I realised I was so completely inebriated last night I had fallen asleep with my contact lenses in…AND I NEVER DO THAT…

It illustrated to me that I was so far gone and I am so full of remorse today because like a complete twat I wrote long texts to ‘him’ (formerly known as T.G.O..I can’t even bring myself to say it) and was basically barraging the poor guy. You look at yourself and say ‘my god, I have become one of them, those women that are pathetic…the stalking banchi’s you see going bananas and hammering a poor guy never leaving them alone’…I am a reasonably intelligent woman (some have even called me very so…meh) but I was showing no signs of intelligence last night.

Although everything else is up the shit right now, the only thing I seem to be able to feel deeply about is how I will never see this man ever again. And even though so much of us was not quite right all I can think of was the good and sometimes funny things about him like how daggy he could be and his retro terminology. He would love to make love when we were out of it, if we were I knew I was in for a bloody good time. Crazy times, at our age but fun and funny and so enjoyable. Not all the time, too tiring but special.

In the midst of the barrage last night something strange happened. For a split second there was complete clarity (yes even whilst blind drunk) it was like my guides were seeing how much I was struggling and in pain by it all and they gave me a message. A clear ‘aha’ moment where I realised that he and I had unfinished business from a previous life, there was a soul connection somewhere past and this was my penance in this life. It was like a karmic response to something previous and that I had to take that lesson and realise that we are not meant to be in this life. May never be but in this we are done. So I sent a message that I wished him love in this life and apologised for my craziness.

Off the planet, maybe so to some but I believe. So much of what is happening right now is as a consequence of past lives. There are lessons to learn and karmic debt to be repaid if I can put it like that, right now I am having trouble enunciating as I am still vastly hungover and tired.

Later today I may be talking to Yank 2 via Skype. He messaged me yesterday. It was a nice ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark stormy day. I missed talking with him and his crazy highbrow way and the things we discuss are sometimes so way out most would think we were definitely nuts but its great because he challenges me intellectually and I love that.

But relationship material we are not and I dont feel that way about him anymore. And part of me feels like I shouldn’t because I am betraying ‘him’ but that is silly because he no longer cares and I must let go. It was what he wanted. God I miss him already. So sad about it all.

I need to go and have something to eat and try to find a way to rise above this stuff right now….

Love and whitelight xxx

Martinis and Amy…

Posted too much today so not publishing the usual channels ie Facebook and the like, but I was drowning my broken heart and came across my old Amy Winehouse Collections and they go particularly well with Whiskey and Martinis…go figure..

Her voice, music and lyrics were amazing. Her lyrics were beyond her years and great story telling and this is just one that I love:

“Tears Dry On Their Own”

All I can ever be to you
Is the darkness that we knew,
And this regret I’ve got accustomed to.
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night.I knew I hadn’t met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don’t know why I got so attached.
It’s my responsibility,
And you don’t owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity.

[Chorus:]
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.

I don’t understand
Why do I stress a man
When there’s so many bigger things at hand.
We coulda never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal.
Even if I stop wanting you,
A perspective pushes through,
I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon.

I shouldn’t play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.

[Chorus]

So we are history,
Your shadow covers me
The sky above,
A blaze,

[Chorus]

I wish I could say no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
‘Cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets

So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above,
A blaze that only lovers see,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
My blue shade
My tears dry on their own.

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
My deep shade
My tears dry on their own.

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day
But I’m grown,
And in your way,
My deep shade
My tears dry

See the clip in youtube here; https://youtu.be/ojdbDYahiCQ

The “I have lost my fucking shit today drama queen”!! Meaning ME!

Love and whitelight xx

Quite right! post mortem..

So I am sitting having a Jamesons’s (yes I know it was morning, but somewhere in the world it was evening…like Chicago for instance! LOL) and I get a text from him (the one formerly known as ‘the good one’) saying “I am sorry things didn’t go the way you wanted and also for the hurt I have caused you…I don’t know what else to say…sad face icon”.

Ahhh my answer to that was “how about nothing” like I asked (I said that words weren’t necessary from him because I had heard it all before those exact words in fact and I understood what was going on. And it was now done). It wasn’t necessary and up till that point I was OK with it all.

But he did that, all the time. Apologised profusely after making the hit…it was like he was making himself feel better. “I am sorry…I dont know why I am like this, I seem to hurt everybody. I dont mean to and I really hate doing it..” If you don’t want to hurt people then how about exercising some restraint and not doing anything to hurt about. I always found myself questioning “was he for real? or was he some carefully calculated manipulator?”. I guess I am still smarting from the narcissist and maybe that has made my view of everything slightly tapped. I know where my faults lay. I am perfectly imperfect!

But I guess that’s being harsh. Reading my last post I really do look like a hopeless lap dog that made a rod to beat her own back. Again. I went back for seconds and thirds over a year knowing fully well he was not capable of committing, for long. He got bored easily. Needed the next fix of excitement a new thing would bring. I dont doubt that he has his eye on one right now. Or maybe its the one he told me he could never quite get..the Makeup counter girl from Myer…the one that wouldn’t give in.   I remember what he said about his ex…the one before me where he did commit for 4 months (that was a longtime). And if that is the lesson to be learnt…well..shit I hope I have…But it is so hard to tell what is real these days.

I remember yesterday apologising for some of the things I had said in my blog the other night whilst drunk, drunk and over it all. He was particularly phased by my ‘insipid’ comment. I do not want to hurt anyone either, especially not him because of how I feel about him. Once again, I guess I will never know the true story about him. That is sad. Somewhere inside is the one I loved, I saw glimpses, it was wonderful.

Maybe it really was the shoe just didn’t fit…we tried 3 times. I wonder if I was the only one with that dubious honour. I know his ex wanted him back but he said no. He was not happy about a comment she made when they were out about being free to do what she needed and like me she seemed to drink too much, well I have lately, I wonder if there is a correlation?? I guess that meant that he was not as in control of that relationship. But I kind of wonder if she was feeling as I did…that he just wasn’t ‘there’ really there and knew it was a hopeless case.

We all react badly and never show our best sides when we are hurting. And love is the biggest hurt of all. I know he will probably read this and hate me. It hurts to think that even though I know I will never see him again. At the moment it is raw and I still love him. Once in a fight he said to me “you dont love me, you just love my cock”. I told him all men had cocks! Well, they do.

It’s my love of them that gets me into trouble unfortunately! but I digress…

Need more Jamesons…I think…straight up..just as I like everything…

Love and whitelight xxx

Easier to let go…hitting bottom

I just woke up, later than usual because I was awake at 2 in the morning and the previous days’ conversations if you could call it that with him and all of our journey to this point kept replaying in my head trying to find answers and I simply could not find peace enough to sleep. I finally did after I messaged him, it was like I had finally let go which was what I know he wanted anyway but did not have the courage to do it.

This was the one time I really did not want to give up. I thought we had a chance of growing into something really strong and special. When we spent time together and even just talking to each other on the phone the connect was wonderful. But over the last couple of weeks it was impossible to invest the time to create a stronger connect through intimacy both physical and spiritual because he simply was not available. Two or three times including Friday he would ring and tell me he was just too tired to catch up. The window of opportunity for us was narrow anyway but he made it even more so. I knew he was distancing but I simply did not want to follow the pattern that had been set of me walking away. As I said, I had fallen for him and had hoped that when he said he wanted to see where this may go he meant it. But actions speak louder than words.

Yes, in most of my relationships I have been the one to walk away. I walked out on Joe in Arizona (many would say with good reason), I called time with Yank 2. And so many of my previous relationships including my ex husband it was me but this time even though (I knew finally yesterday it was over) I sent a final message to him after 2am this morning telling him I would make it easier for him because he was always so worried about hurting me, it was actually him that had given up. He told me we both had to think about things but what he really meant was that unless I was happy to continue on his terms, casual and uncommitted he wasn’t interested. And I realised that no matter how I felt or what I did it was hopeless and I was only hurting myself. You cannot make someone love you if they don’t. And I had already passed the point of no return by falling in love with him, just friends was going to be impossible for me, sadly.

Two songs were playing in my head intermittently in my early morning unrest as well, I know it sounds quite mad but I often wake up or sometimes at strange times end up with songs in my head and it is like they are there as a kind of message. One was Christina Aguilera’s ‘Trust the Voice within’ lyrics:  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaaguilera/thevoicewithin.html ) and the other was The Main ingredient’s ‘Everybody plays the fool’ and with that one the lyrics just ran through my brain at one stage;

Ok, so your heart is broken
You’re sitting around mopin’, cryin’, cryin’
You say you even think about dying
Well, before you do anything rash, baby, dig this

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

Fallin’ in love is such an easy thing to do
But there’s no guarantee that the one you love, is gonna love you
Oh, loving eyes they cannot see a certain person could never be
Love runs deeper than any ocean, it clouds your mind with emotion

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

How can you help it, when the music starts to play
And your ability to reason, is swept away
Oh, heaven on earth is all you see, you’re out of touch with reality
And now you cry, but when you do, next time around someone cries for you

Hey, everybody plays the fool, sometime
Use your heart just like a tool, listen baby
They never tell you so in school, I wanna say it again,
Everybody plays the fool

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool

Every plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I wanna say it again
Everybody plays the fool

Always loved that song, the lyrics are so true, always loved classic American soul and R&B from the 70’s.

So when I woke today I had a cry. I felt empty. I had managed to hit bottom again. No relationship, no job, no proper place to live, not much savings left, and barely seeing my boys for a couple of weeks through things out of my control, no real friends in sight, well yes I see the odd one or two on odd occasions and then there is Facebook and its easy opt out ‘messenger’ messages rather than real contact. The people I consider my best friends are in Sydney and Seattle. I can’t move for work to Sydney where there is much more because of my beautiful eldest and the fact I may lose him soon….I have hit bottom.

Funnily though right now I feel there is nothing much else to lose except my health and my life; I lost my mind a long long time ago!

My goodness…..humour…in the midst of the wank and bullshit. I feel extraordinarily calm. I know I will probably go through sadness at times about this in the next days. But I can’t help feeling that even with what seems like hitting bottom again the only way from here is up if I chose to not give in as I have felt recently and just be grateful for the lessons learned. Like I said, it could be much worse, many people are much worse off. This is yet another bad time in my life but hell I have also been through much worse and I have no right to feel sorry for myself when my son is losing his fight daily with something that cannot be altered…..

Universe, I am in your hands, I give it up to you in complete faith and accept that which cannot be changed. I just want some peace again…

Love and whitelight xxx

The morning haze…

I could do with more sleep right now. I feel…numb. I remember the $100 cab ride home from the Casino last night was emotional, poor bloody cab driver. I asked and with respect he kept quiet the whole long journey. I cried all the way home. I remember watching the white line that marked the edge of the road and how detached from everything I felt.

I had just text ‘the good one’ and simply said ‘goodbye’. That particular goodbye was not anything to do with what I eventually felt when I got home and continued to drink, feeling very very low and despondent. Instead of uplifting I had sad music on and downed several more whiskeys. I had been drinking most of the day. I remember referring to it as I chatted to someone I knew at the Casino as my anesthetic, my pain killer. I knew better but I just needed to forget yesterday, its just how I felt.

I wrote about how I felt last night late because in a macabre way I was also fascinated and wanted to verbalise how sometimes in a an almost split second you could feel such relief in the thought of letting go for good. I have actually been suicidal before and it was much more calm, sober and calculated than that and that was a real attempt. Last night was just a fantasy. Dangerous but real. But it was fleeting, because no matter how alcohol hazed I was my mind is much stronger now than its ever been, even without antidepressants and even with the shit flying everywhere. I owe it to my boys not to give up. They are my anchor to this earth.

In a strange turn of events not long after I posted that blog post I get a text from ‘the good one’; “I just read the blog you were telling me about, never contact me again”. I hadn’t written anything else for hours after I had sent the goodbye text, I hadn’t felt there was anything else left to say even though he text me back at the time “goodbye???”. I had come to that conclusion then because I had felt tortured for days about us and I felt it was my only option after he had once again told me he wanted to ‘give it a miss’, our supposed catch up last night. I had had it before and the nature of our relationship the to-ing and fro-ing had finally wore me out. It seemed every time he did the ‘I’m there, I’m not there thing’ it was like a knife making another stab wound, maybe a tad strong but we had been down the road of the merry and not so merry dance and I was tired of it. Not that he meant much by it, he just said he was tired and needed a night to himself. After talking with friends yesterday and explaining the dance they said it didn’t sound good and that I should probably let it go, and I kind of agreed. There is only so much I can handle right now, I feel worn.

But what had struck me a couple of weeks ago was that I had actually fallen in love with him. Against all sanity and better judgement, knowing fully what he told me he was feeling at the time, it still happened. I fought it, I did. After the Joe debacle the last thing I needed was another heartbreak and he had somehow managed to get in. I thought I was in control of it…dammit. Love. I have never been very good at it, in fact I suck at it.

So after he text me the “I read your blog..” I felt at first surprised. Then I thought, “no, you dont get to say that to me” so I text back. He was cross with me. He, was cross. There was emotion there. Something had driven him to FB stalk me (I do it too, check non ‘friends’ out sometimes, dont we all? Its not a crime. I would often look at his profile pic because I missed his beautiful smile) and finally find and read my blog. I had unfriended him on FB in a fit of rage a few weeks ago and was quietly glad because I didn’t want him to read my blog. Even though I had only ever pretty much wrote good things about him, I knew he would probably not understand.

I called him. It was late and he needed to get to work this morning (no wonder the poor bastard gets cross with me…and he rarely gets cross..well never really in front of me). He spoke to me in such a wonderful gentle tone..that feeling I get when am with him returned. Oh god, I am back to square one. Love SUCKS.

I guess, we’ll see. I need more sleep and lots of water…and a plan to get my sanity back..

Love and whitelight xxx

This is the split second..

I had to write this..because tonight..I felt the time not a split second as such but I fantasized for moments about the peace going to sleep forever would bring. And I haven’t felt that for a long time. And it is in that split second..that complete peace makes you feel that is the way to go..for a second of complete non lucidity..it seems right and if you have toyed with the plan..it just may work..no..that is not always how it works because sometimes you plan for days, maybe even weeks, with preciseness what will give you the peace you seek. You think it will also relieve the people who know you and that is the biggest pay off. No more bullshit. She’s finally done it…it wasn’t unexpected…we will miss her or him..how often do we think of Robin Williams or Charlotte Dawson anymore? Things fade from memory. WE fade..in the memory in time…

I don’t know. I guess the time is individual.

Why am I writing this? now that I have just verbalised the above..it has taken some of the impetus out of things.

Tonight, I let go of the ‘good one’ (but that isn’t the reason for feeling like I wanted to depart this world). Today after realising he was once again going into his ..whatever it is phase, I realised it simply wasn’t where I wanted to be. He text me as I knew he would with excuses about how he wanted to ‘give tonight a miss’ if that was OK? But lets catch up next week sometime? I knew it was coming. Quite frankly, I was only half there anyway. And I have come to realise how INSIPID he was as a man. And that will suit someone, I guess. But not me. I cant do INSIPID. That has been half my problem in choosing men…I go for the ones who seem to have BALLS… but inevitably THEY ARE FUCKING FREAKS.

So it is one fucking crazy scenario after another. WHY do I bother? WHY do I go back out there into the FUCKING WILDS OF BORNEO and keep FUCKING TRYING??? And irony amongst irony’s I am now back in touch with Yank 2. As friends. The “good one would not like that but he doesn’t see, to give a flying fuck anyway…about anything

But no. AS I said. It wasn’t that that almost put me past the edge…I have been feeling it for a little while now. Been fighting it.

It just seems like INFINITE PEACE.

Away from all the fucking crazy shit that is constantly there. Relentless at times. I should have have balls not to leave before my son does , and then again I have another son who needs me..to an extent.

But it is becoming exhausting right now…

More tomorrow, hopefully… Love and whitelight xx