I just realised its been a few weeks since I have written. These days I wonder where the time goes. But I needed to write today. A bit of catharsis. It’s the whole point of writing this blog, it was to help myself purge all the worries and just get it out there sans psych and post antidepressants and narcissists and broken hearts and pain of the technicolour variety. Document growth and learning. Share the human response although not as neatly wrapped and covered with a bow. Just authentic and at times brow raising and even funny.
These few weeks have been surprising in some ways, revealing. The months since I turned half a century it seems I have found a sense of inner peace even within the storms that rage up around me at times. It’s funny that when you let go of the death grip on life; trying to control and steer things that aren’t meant to be steered how much more freedom there is for the the real to come through. The real but sometimes scary.
The yank skype messaged me recently, yank 2. He said we should consider it closure and move on. Ahh, yeah buddy, that happened long ago. I’ve been enjoying the tango whilst you..well god knows where that complicated and twisted head is at but I wish you well. We both said ‘peace’ to each other. And I, at least, meant it. I’ve never understood how people who manage to have meaningful time together, have meant something to each other, can end up hating one another or can’t be friends. I still think of Yank 1, rarely but he is there and I wonder why things became as they did because I know deep down the soul I felt many years ago is still good intrinsically. What changed him, I guess I will never know. And even though he broke me I will always carry a little piece of him with me. He was the only one in all these years that really got inside. It got into my brain and tied me up in knots so badly now that I read back I realise I was bordering psychotic. But that is the reality. Humans are complex beings emotionally. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I can let go, of anything. But I am ever so grateful I have got there.
But something strange is happening now that I don’t quite have a handle on. Never felt before, finding it difficult to describe, its like a slow burn…(not the negative connotation) something indefinable and my mind keeps saying ‘what the?!’ and part of me wants to run for the hills because that is what I do…or I did. Finding ways to sabotage what was good in a “I’m going to get going before you hurt me” defense response. Practiced, entrenched reaction. Covered up by the “I’m a bad girl, don’t fuck with me” facade. But its time to break that chain. And just flow with life, appreciate the experience because pain is reality but if you focus on that you will never allow proper flow and marvelous energy into your life. Yin Yang.
I’ve been seeing and talking to ‘the good one’ alot lately. Even last night we spent a few hours together in between his having to drop off and collect his teen daughter at her work and time managed to fade into the distance for a while as we talked about life experiences and where we both thought we may be and why. A bit of love foolosophy. I quoted that phrase a while ago and I remember yank 2 being very impressed being the highbrow soapbox philosopher that he was. Little did he know I really didn’t coin it as such; Jamiroquai did in his song ‘Love foolosophy!’ although he may not have been the first I am sure.. Ha! Not that I condone plagiarism but he wouldn’t have known who Jamiroquai was anyway…LOL…
He (T.G.O) said he thought that ultimately he too had an auto run or switch off response which deep down probably had to do with past experience. I am starting to realise just what a good man he truly is and when he made his ‘I’m not sure you are my forever after’ comment ages ago he was being truthful, he doesn’t want to hurt me or anyone else for that matter, he isn’t built that way. But he also needs to protect himself. He is able to show me vulnerability, an emotional maturity. I see a difference with him and the way he handles things as opposed to many other men I’ve dated and known. His comment could honestly be construed as manipulative and clever, cake and eat it too but getting to know him as I have been now for a while…we’ve been on and off but always remained friends, I know he really means it. And I appreciate honesty, oh boy do I. Something Yank 1 struggled with and just shut down. An ultra intelligent man yet emotionally challenged and immature. Sadly.
So where is this going? I don’t know, but it is good….quite good;) and there is mutual respect and care. Real. All I know is that I am grateful for what we do have (particularly the ohhhh boyyyy! But that’s not all:) and I will enjoy it for as long as it is there. Why analyse it? It is my choice, I am ‘aware’. As an adult woman I should be. I hate the word ‘should’ but there it is.
I have worked hard on a ‘growth mindset’ . I remember reading an article by Margaret Gould Stewart, Vice president of product design at Facebook and has been with You tube, Ted and google as well. An article called the ‘gifts of growth’ where she says:
A growth mindset is one that believes our abilities are fluid and changeable, that we can and will learn more skills and even new talents, if we work at it
As opposed to a ‘fixed mindset’;
that believes that talents and abilities are set and static; those with a fixed mindset tend to define their value by the skills they naturally have, and therefore failure at any level is crushing to the self esteem.
It’s very true.
I am grateful for my growth.
Love and whitelight xx