Ohh geez…

There are often times in life when things are going well and all of sudden things flip and more often than not in 2’s or 3’s! This week has been pretty tough, but more so the last couple of days because for the first time in a while I felt overwhelmed again, a bit hopeless and almost as if I could go on the downward slide into that dark place and god knows I have worked hard to stay out of it. But that is what happens without medication. You feel things full pelt and its your strength of mind and sheer will that is the only thing that can get you through it. If your mind allows it. I am fully aware that those that suffer in the mind are sometimes completely incapable of forcing it to do anything…only those that have been there will know. Sometimes sheer willpower deserts you. The mind, the brain is Omnipotent. It is what supposedly gives us humans the slight advantage over other life forms.

But I digress. Lately I abhor foul language but sometimes it is the only thing that delivers so when I say “its been a fucker of a week” it is so.

And that is life. As I said in my past post it is Yin and Yang. My beautiful youngest son (now 20) yesterday as he was holding me as I cried and cried said ‘mum, remember we have to experience these times to really appreciate the good times’. Ahhh my boy. Both of them, even my eldest who is in the toughest fight of his life nowadays manages to find the good in the bad. I am so blessed with those two beautiful souls as my sons. Grateful beyond measure.

It’s not hard when the shit starts hitting the fan and it seems that you have had more than your fair share of it to just allow it to overtake you and become so negative and feel like a victim. But it is the victim mentality that is wrong. Bad things happen, some more bad to some than to others but that is reality. C’est la vie.

Today I feel worn out. Less dark and hopeless than yesterday, but worn neverthless. Writing this is my catharsism. It is like talking to a long time friend now. It gets it out. The negative energy.

On top of losing another job, well, it was mutual as the situation became ridiculous and I spoke up for myself and mentioned workplace law and my old, angry, arrogant and narcissistic boss, nasty piece of work felt threatened so we had a stand up fight and I left and obviously she suggested it was a good idea. It was coming, underpaid; unrealistic work environment and expectation. Yet again. It was obvious why there was an extremely high turnover of staff, I should have known. I was not wanting to give up so easily but it was unacceptable and these days I can only do what I feel is right for me. I care about me now and I believe in myself, finally. Although my son said yesterday when I said on top of the constant worry about his brother’s illness and when we might lose him I said I wanted to know he was handling things OK or if he needed more support and he said “mum, it is about time you cared more about you than everyone else. Look after your needs”. Ahhh.

Then, the ‘good one’ and I hit a rough spot. Or more so I managed to make more out of the situation than there was. Probably because I was starting to feel everything sliding again and after many years of ….yuk…I could not bear the thought of this continual battering. Years of negative experience and patterning…I thought I had overcome that mindset. It felt like my mind and body couldn’t take it. So I reacted far too strongly and nearly lost a good thing. When you have been hurt many times or even one particularly bad time it is hard not to expect the worst. My problem is I have dated so many wankers. I have never never been a good judge of men.

But he proved himself worthy yesterday. After an evening and morning of going through the death roll of our relationship. I broke it off the night before, as I said recently it is what I do as a self preservation thing. And he told me he had no idea what had brought it all to this point, and he could have walked away. But he didn’t. He stayed, and he talked it through and showed me he was not a quitter and even though he admitted he had not yet made it to where I am he wanted to keep going as things are because we have something there. We have always been fully open and honest with each other and I cannot fault him in his honesty even if sometimes he does go into retreat and often runs. Not just from me. His marriage breakup was not good, she hurt him in the worst way a person can.

Yesterday, he said to me “is that what it is? You thought I was backing off and running again?…I am not. Even though what happened last night made me question our relationship it did not make me want to go”. I was bamboozled. And even though we are catching up tonight and I am staying over, today I am still feeling a bit worn and unsure. All I know is that at this point I can’t fully let go. I don’t want to and it seems he doesn’t either. But it is not easy to have that when everything else around you is not good. But he is truly a’good one’ and I am grateful for what we have.

Life is full of curve balls we all know that. I felt yesterday that I was teetering on the brink again. But I am, with his and my sons help, and the inner strength I have been fighting to build…the little I have at present..going to work on not going to that place where I wasted too many years. I need to be stronger than this for my boys and in particular my eldest. And for myself. Still a work in progress. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…yada..

Love and whitelight xx

Life and love ‘fool’osophy…

I just realised its been a few weeks since I have written. These days I wonder where the time goes. But I needed to write today. A bit of catharsis. It’s the whole point of writing this blog, it was to help myself purge all the worries and just get it out there sans psych and post antidepressants and narcissists and broken hearts and pain of the technicolour variety. Document growth and learning. Share the human response although not as neatly wrapped and covered with a bow. Just authentic and at times brow raising and even funny.

These few weeks have been surprising in some ways, revealing. The months since I turned half a century it seems I have found a sense of inner peace even within the storms that rage up around me at times. It’s funny that when you let go of the death grip on life; trying to control and steer things that aren’t meant to be steered how much more freedom there is for the the real to come through. The real but sometimes scary.

The yank skype messaged me recently, yank 2. He said we should consider it closure and move on. Ahh, yeah buddy, that happened long ago. I’ve been enjoying the tango whilst you..well god knows where that complicated and twisted head is at but I wish you well. We both said ‘peace’ to each other. And I, at least, meant it. I’ve never understood how people who manage to have meaningful time together, have meant something to each other, can end up hating one another or can’t be friends. I still think of Yank 1,  rarely but he is there and I wonder why things became as they did because I know deep down the soul I felt many years ago is still good intrinsically. What changed him, I guess I will never know. And even though he broke me I will always carry a little piece of him with me.  He was the only one in all these years that really got inside.  It got into my brain and tied me up in knots so badly now that I read back I realise I was bordering psychotic. But that is the reality. Humans are complex beings emotionally. It has taken me a long time to get to the  point where I can let go, of anything. But I am ever so grateful I have got there.

But something strange is happening now that I don’t quite have a handle on. Never felt before, finding it difficult to describe, its like a slow burn…(not the negative connotation) something indefinable and my mind keeps saying ‘what the?!’ and part of me wants to run for the hills because that is what I do…or I did. Finding ways to sabotage what was good in a “I’m going to get going before you hurt me” defense response. Practiced, entrenched reaction. Covered up by the “I’m a bad girl, don’t fuck with me” facade. But its time to break that chain. And just flow with life, appreciate the experience because pain is reality but if you focus on that you will never allow proper flow and marvelous energy into your life. Yin Yang.

I’ve been seeing and talking to ‘the good one’ alot lately. Even last night we spent a few hours together in between his having to drop off and collect his teen daughter at her work  and time managed to fade into the distance for a while as we talked about life experiences and where we both thought we may be and why. A bit of love foolosophy. I quoted that phrase a while ago and I remember yank 2 being very impressed being the highbrow soapbox philosopher that he was. Little did he know I really didn’t coin it as such; Jamiroquai did in his song ‘Love foolosophy!’ although he may not have been the first I am sure.. Ha! Not that I condone plagiarism but he wouldn’t have known who Jamiroquai was anyway…LOL…

He (T.G.O) said he thought that ultimately he too had an auto run or switch off response which deep down probably had to do with past experience. I am starting to realise just what a good man he truly is and when he made his ‘I’m not sure you are my forever after’ comment ages ago he was being truthful, he doesn’t want to hurt me or anyone else for that matter, he isn’t built that way. But he also needs to protect himself. He is able to show me vulnerability, an emotional maturity.  I see a difference with him and the way he handles things as opposed to many other men I’ve dated and known. His comment could honestly be construed as manipulative and clever, cake and eat it too but getting to know him as I have been now for a while…we’ve been on and off but always remained friends, I know he really means it. And I appreciate honesty, oh boy do I. Something Yank 1 struggled with and just shut down. An ultra intelligent man yet emotionally challenged and immature. Sadly.

So where is this going? I don’t know, but it is good….quite good;) and there is mutual respect and care. Real. All I know is that I am grateful for what we do have (particularly the ohhhh boyyyy! But that’s not all:) and I will enjoy it for as long as it is there. Why analyse it? It is my choice, I am ‘aware’. As an adult woman I should be. I hate the word ‘should’ but there it is.

I have worked hard on a ‘growth mindset’ . I remember reading an article by Margaret Gould Stewart, Vice president of product design at Facebook and has been with You tube, Ted  and google as well. An article called the ‘gifts of growth’ where she says:

A growth mindset is one that believes our abilities are fluid and changeable, that we can and will learn more skills and even new talents, if we work at it

As opposed to a ‘fixed mindset’;

that believes that talents and abilities are set and static; those with a fixed mindset tend to define their value by the skills they naturally have, and therefore failure at any level is crushing to the self esteem.

It’s very true.

I am grateful for my growth.

Love and whitelight xx