There comes a time when you finally realise that the only person to blame when it comes to dud relationships is yourself. I have bemoaned for years why nearly every relationship I have had has fallen way short of the mark. Today, a line was finally drawn in the sand. And I ain’t doing this dance again.
Nearly 4 days ago I caught up with ‘the good one’. The hot water system where I live was on the blink and was going to take time to fix so I booked myself into a nice City hotel for a couple of nights to spoil myself. Courtesy of the ‘go see Yank 2 in Chicago fund’. I had finally felt over yank 2 and it was nice being in touch regularly with ‘the good one’, kind of a good distraction from other things and I always had a soft spot for him. And the sex was always off the charts with him!
He met me downstairs in the hotel lobby, as I walked out of the elevator he was sitting looking very handsome and directly at me as I walked out. We both smiled real smiles of joy and warmth it felt like. He still was able to make my heart skip a beat, seeing him in person again after many months. We had been talking to each other again even before the yank and I broke up but just as the good friends we were.
We hugged and did the European kiss on both sides of the face and then walked arm in arm out towards the place we were going to for dinner. Our conversation was happy and non stop, it felt like we had so much to tell each other. Over a lovely dinner we did, tell each other what had been going on; both ending relationships recently (well I could say mine really wasn’t as such being so long distance with only Skype date nights twice week, and then just emails and phone calls, mainly instigated by me of course. Well, not the Skype dates, he really loved those and always insisted we keep it up no matter what).
Inevitably, we ended up back at my hotel room and had a marvelous number of hours together. It felt so natural, as if we had only been together yesterday. Being a Thursday night, a day earlier than planned he had to go to work the next morning and it was so strange waking up without him laying next to me which is what we usually always did when spending the night together. We texted a number of times the next day. We also talked about seeing each other over the weekend, he told me he had these music videos he had just bought he knew I’d like..we share a mutual love of good music, same types and often had great nights in at his house listening to great music.
Being winter many around us have been ill with colds and flu. I myself have been very nasally after coming back from Sydney and all the dirty polluted air I inhaled regularly. I had made a comment on one of my texts after he said what an awesome night we had and how good it was to see each other again said that it was strange waking up without him next to me that morning. We have always been open and honest with each other and spoken frankly. It was then after some of the answers back I realised he was in retreat again. And the comment about not being sure I was his forever after, and not wanting to hurt me came and it was then I snapped out of it PRONTO. “You idiot, you did it again”; that is me I am talking to.
I had forgotten that at one stage this guy and I had been quite full on and that over time he started to retreat and then made a similar comment about the forever after (which he also used to describe the woman he just broke up with). Yes, we continued a friendship, even without the sex ever since that time but ultimately I realised my Achilles heel with this guy…realistically, I should have ran for the hills no matter if he was wearing his nice guy disguise.
Well, today I have. A moment ago, 3 days after we last spoke to each other I get a text asking how I am, and how sorry he was he didn’t communicate in the last few days as he has been sick with a cold/flu. Awwww, poor baby, I guess your fingers were all blocked up as well as your damned nose.
Ahhh, I guess I am sounding like a typical woman at this stage but in all honesty I can laugh at myself. I guess I finally realised that I no longer wish to do this dance. Accept a man who only sees me as an option.
I deserve much better than that. And I am happy being single and free without the exasperating wank and bullshit that seems to be going on out there these days.
I will miss our conversations. And in some weird way he was right, we did have a good connect to be able to talk to each other about everything. He was often message me to see how life was going. Talk me through my next adventures on the dating scene and other things. He is good compared to many others, but not good enough for me.
So I have not yet returned his text. And I have no intention of returning it. I don;t want to be mean spirited or game playing like many are. I have simply had enough. Self respect and preservation. Another lesson learned. Life goes on.
Love and whitelight xxx