“Women are their own worst enemies. And guilt is the main weapon of self-torture . . . Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.”- Erica Jong, Fear of Flying
I quoted this in a previous post well over a year ago but it resonates and this time for a different reason. I woke up and realised that yank 2 really didn’t give a fuck in the end. No thought to what we had built over the months of constant contact. And being the completely insecure yet ironically arrogant person he was it was easier because he has his flying circus around him at present…he is the centre of his universe. His needs are being met at present so my usefulness had expired. Took me a couple of days to wake up, but I did.
The last few days of at first crying in foetal position and just letting the day pass in either a sleep haze or a drunken stupor and then marathons of ‘Sex and the City’ my favourite series of all time; because it is guaranteed to make me laugh my arse off and remind me how ridiculous relationships between men and women and just life in general can be have worked somewhat.
I thought it would take more time to get over this. I am not completely over this yet but I am in a much better place than I thought I would be. But this wasn’t a ‘Joe’ situation. The ‘him’ in life beyond him. I realised that yank 2 hadn’t had quite the grip on my heart I thought he had, his final actions how he chose to handle the end of things put paid to that and I guess just the fact that some of the work I did on myself when recovering from the Joe-tastrophy of nearly 18 months ago and just working on myself..post anti-depressants, psychoanalysis dealing with years of pain and abuse hidden…all up…I am much stronger.
The shit has literally been hitting the fan over these last weeks. Losing my job in an unjust way; and then yank telling me I was a ‘field of red flags’ and he didn’t doubt why I would have difficulty securing another job, a huge case of the pot calling the kettle, but ahh all I can feel is sympathy for him. There is a lovely soul in there somewhere but he himself was a real kind of fuck up too; we were birds of a feather. But I know where my faults lie and freely admit it. Flying back to Perth, where even though I am happy to be here and see my sons it will never really feel like ‘home’, not like Sydney does. But I am here for a while until I sort things.
I was so pissed off the other day that I went out, did a shop of really expensive make up (I would not usually do that and I hate shopping!) had my hair cut, lunch and then spent the rest of the day blowing a good part of my ‘visit yank in America’ fund at the casino in the hope that I would snap out of hoping he would at the last minute write me a beautiful ‘I am sorry, I was wrong, I want you here’ email (I have blocked him on Skype now) and I would fly off to Chicago and into his arms and all would be right again. I cried on the way home that night thinking how stupid I was blowing that money and that I was only hurting myself. He didn’t care, he’d shown that.
The next day feeling hungover and blue I realised it was my idiotic way of trying to save myself. To stop that wishing to be with him, if I didn’t have the funds…even if he changed his mind I could no longer afford to go anyway….BUT…
Something strange was unfolding. The universe saw fit to have that money returned..god knows without work I needed it but in my pain and sadness I didn’t care at the time. A number of other wonderful and strange coincidences occurred that pulled me out of my black reverie and made me realise there is a reason for everything. And I am grateful for the universe’s intervention yet again. When you feel you are about to hit bottom the universe steps in…each day I am more in awe of it…lets just say many things have and are happening right now that show me the power of the universe….wow…
The last few days I have had the support of ‘the good one’ I wrote about him about a year ago. Our friendship has lasted, his decency in how he handled things with me when we stopped ‘dating’ only served to create an affection and respect for him that no other man has been able to garner. He has said pretty much ‘I am here for you’ and he has been. He lectured me earlier in the piece about yank 2, well not lectured, he doesn’t do that but he is always honest with me. He is seeing someone and I am happy for him but I am glad we have our friendship. I only wish yank 2 was mature enough to have handled things better, I will miss our friendship and amazing talks. We did connect on so many levels. It is sad.
I get to see my beautiful son this weekend. His strength in what he himself is going through only solidifies my thoughts of ‘what right do I have to feel sorry for myself when he is going through what he is’.
I am catching up with friends today for lunch. My dear cherished friend is flying in from the States today and we will catch up in the next days….timing…
And yesterday I had a call about some temporary work, which I know will go some of the way to getting me back out there and helping my confidence after the last job.
All up, I have so much to be thankful for. THANK YOU UNIVERSE.
Love and whitelight xxx