Acceptance, love and good energy

What a surprising few days it has been. Surprising and satisfying.

It’s amazing what happens when you accept and remain in a place of good thoughts, love and good energy. So much was hitting me at once I was feeling quite overwhelmed and then I remembered that I hadn’t done the work on myself since the yank 1 debacle and getting off years of antidepressants just to buckle under the rubbish.

So I gave it up to the universe. “I give it all up to you universe with love and complete faith and trust in you and I am very grateful for all my many blessings and abundance”.

And I did. I let the worry, the wank and the bullshit go.

My son got his botox injections, his father did pay for them and I was so grateful. He is still struggling, it takes a while for them to work and unfortunately the degeneration has progressed quite forward so there is no telling what the result will be but at least there is the promise of his writhing and jerking and some of the pain to slow down making things less exhausting for him. We have been in touch much more often and that has been a huge blessing. And I took my youngest son to lunch yesterday and bought him some much needed groceries, things that a student at University living independently can’t quite afford and that made me feel good, that he allowed me to do that. He usually gets really worried and says mum you cant afford to do this but I was able to say ‘I just got a job’ and I think that helped!

Yes, I got a job. A permanent job, in this terrible jobs market and economy. I had decided that I really did not want to go back into the stressful ridiculous work I have been doing for years and started to target work in my first career incarnation not long after I got out of School. Travel. I hadn’t worked in the industry for over 25 years and it seemed that even though I had a very good and long background in it (when I left many years ago I was second in charge of an office and a Senior) many were not willing to give me a chance. But I persisted. And I also accepted that I would only earn barely above minimum wage (there is an opportunity for bonuses plus other benefits and a chance to move up quickly) but I know the work is enjoyable and less stressful and that suited me just fine and it is a foot in the door of the industry again. So Friday, a day after my interview I was offered the job. Another blessing.

This will allow me to get an apartment closer to the city, so less isolated and much closer to my sons (my priority as I don’t know how much time I have left with my son) and also friends, who I couldn’t catch up with regularly because transport is merde out here in the sticks!

And Friday night I went out to dinner with ‘the good one’. He took me to dinner and we had a great time, discussed what was going on with us openly and honestly…which at the moment doesn’t need to be defined and I am OK with that because there is so much else going on and also I like having him in my life even if it doesn’t become ‘forever after’. And then we had a fabulous night of wine and music video and ohhhh boyyyy, always off the charts. He made me a lovely breakfast in the morning, it was all up a lovely time. And I was grateful that we are as we are with each other; no pressures no expectations, just friendship, a good friendship where anything can be talked about without fear or worry and just being.

I have let many expectations go realising that to continually push against the tide is futile and a waste of precious energy. I have come to accept that things will be as they are meant to be no matter how much you fight it but if you just let go and ‘go with the flow’ (I kinda hate cliche’s but…) the stress and worry just goes and a sense of peace emerges. I have been searching for that. Peace. Inner peace. It is a wonderful feeling.

For now I am happy to go with it. I want to enjoy the adventures to come but more so I want to enjoy this contentment and acceptance.

“his’ daughter, the “him” in life beyond him” is about to turn 13 August 2 if I remember correctly. At the time he was so love hazed he wanted me to be at his side for the party he was throwing her ‘in the middle of it he wrote me ” things feel bare without you here, I need my hostess by my side”. It’s been 2 years. It took me that long to really let all of that go. I had even written to him when I was in Sydney because right next to me was a building with the name of the company he works for in big bold writing and every time I went to work I would see it and it made me think of him, stupidly, even though at that time I was talking to yank 2. Of course he did not write back. I guess I just had to feel what I was feeling and move through it over time. It was the most difficult thing to emerge from. I really loved him. But I have emerged and for that I am grateful.

Life goes on…thankfully….Love and whitelight xxx

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Relentless..cat ping pong…f%$#k NBIA

They say the universe never gives you more than you can handle. Well, right now I challenge that assumption (and who the hell was the smart fucker who coined that phrase anyway?!). Things feel relentless. Things feel so mind blowingly out of control that at times I feel like I am out of body looking at my situation from a parallel universe saying ‘what the fuck?’. Like I am the mouse frozen with fear rolling stiff as a board between the paws of the merciless cat as he just ping pongs me to and fro…

I spent the day with my eldest son yesterday and his disease (neurodegeneration with brain iron accumulation or NBIA) is progressing fast again and I know that time is limited and it hit me after he left yesterday. It left me a crying mess on the bed in my bedroom. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know how to stop it and that just kills me inside. He is now not in control of his body as the dystonia progresses, he writhes uncontrollably at times and often in pain and hearing him cry out for morphine…he was always a very strong boy pain wise so I know he really is in pain when he asks for it. He finds it difficult to speak now. You can just make out the words through the mumble because his tongue is not in his control anymore, he finds it difficult to eat. He has a tube in his stomach for when he cant. It is like he is trapped in a body that is failing him…I WISH IT WAS ME and not him. Why can’t I take that pain away from him?

Botox has been some help in loosening the limbs enough to give him temporary relief but it no longer available on subsidy. The government has pulled it. I don’t have that kind of money. His father does but for some reason chooses not to pay it anymore..probably to do with his controlling screaming harpy nutcase of a wife and the massive mortgage for the new mansion she talked him into buying….she has managed to destroy all relationships within his family and the one between him and I as well with her ridiculous insecurity. There is a reason why I divorced him biatch..I don’t want him back. But I do want him to communicate with me about my son and I want access to him (my son) which is not easy at present because of her and her Jedi mind control of him. Another out of control situation.

I can’t find work here at present, Perth is once again a lame duck as the mining boom has long gone and the idiot government here wasted so much money thinking the boom was forever that we are now in bad deficit and they are cutting essential services before anything else. I know I could if I go back to Sydney I would instantly get work but I can’t leave with my son fading now. I promised him.

And my love life reads like several bad episodes of ‘Days of our lives’. In a drunken stupor the other day (yes I am anesthetizing myself more regularly at present, it is the only thing keeping me from the nuthouse), I caved in and messaged ‘the good one’ about a week later, even after my brave talk about ‘the dance’ and he seemed content when I told him I am happy to ‘fuck him same place same time next week’…DONT JUDGE ME, I HAVE NEEDS…

Yes, I did use some harsh language and told him in no uncertain terms I am onto him..always was but I do like his penis, it is the best of a bad bunch at present. A distraction of sorts. He seemed to like my bravado and told me ‘I know I do your head in, but I really do like you’. Ahhhgh. What’re you gonna do?!

And more recently I find myself thinking that life in Arizona with the narcissist, amongst the rattlesnakes and scorpions may have been easier. I still at times have a mental picture of that photo of he and I when I was 16 and he was 25 (see my photos) and think..what might have been. He wasn’t a narcissist in those days. At least, I dont think so.

Ohhh, I am slipping…I am lost….what to do?

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

 

Not doing that dance again!

There comes a time when you finally realise that the only person to blame when it comes to dud relationships is yourself. I have bemoaned for years why nearly every relationship I have had has fallen way short of the mark. Today, a line was finally drawn in the sand. And I ain’t doing this dance again.

Nearly 4 days ago I caught up with ‘the good one’. The hot water system where I live was on the blink and was going to take time to fix so I booked myself into a  nice City hotel for a couple of nights to spoil myself. Courtesy of the ‘go see Yank 2 in Chicago fund’. I had finally felt over yank 2 and it was nice being in touch regularly with ‘the good one’, kind of a good distraction from other things and I always had a soft spot for him. And the sex was always off the charts with him!

He met me downstairs in the hotel lobby, as I walked out of the elevator he was sitting looking very handsome and directly at me as I walked out. We both smiled real smiles of joy and warmth it felt like. He still was able to make my heart skip a beat, seeing him in person again after many months. We had been talking to each other again even before the yank and I broke up but just as the good friends we were.

We hugged and did the European kiss on both sides of the face and then walked arm in arm out towards the place we were going to for dinner. Our conversation was happy and non stop, it felt like we had so much to tell each other. Over a lovely dinner we did, tell each other what had been going on; both ending relationships recently (well I could say mine really wasn’t as such being so long distance with only Skype date nights twice  week, and then just emails and phone calls, mainly instigated by me of course. Well, not the Skype dates, he really loved those and always insisted we keep it up no matter what).

Inevitably, we ended up back at my hotel room and had a marvelous number of hours together. It felt so natural, as if we had only been together yesterday. Being a Thursday night, a day earlier than planned he had to go to work the next morning and it was so strange waking up without him laying next to me which is what we usually always did when spending the night together. We texted a number of times the next day. We also talked about seeing each other over the weekend, he told me he had these music videos he had just bought he knew I’d like..we share a mutual love of good music, same types and often had great nights in at his house listening to great music.

Being winter many around us have been ill with colds and flu. I myself have been very nasally after coming back from Sydney and all the dirty polluted air I inhaled regularly. I had made a comment on one of my texts after he said what an awesome night we had and how good it was to see each other again said that it was strange waking up without him next to me that morning. We have always been open and honest with each other and spoken frankly. It was then after some of the answers back I realised he was in retreat again. And the comment about not being sure I was his forever after, and not wanting to hurt me came and it was then I snapped out of it PRONTO. “You idiot, you did it again”; that is me I am talking to.

I had forgotten that at one stage this guy and I had been quite full on and that over time he started to retreat and then made a similar comment about the forever after (which he also used to describe the woman he just broke up with). Yes, we continued a friendship, even without the sex ever since that time but ultimately I realised my Achilles heel with this guy…realistically, I should have ran for the hills no matter if he was wearing his nice guy disguise.

Well, today I have. A moment ago, 3 days after we last spoke to each other I get a text asking how I am, and how sorry he was he didn’t communicate in the  last few days as he has been sick with a cold/flu. Awwww, poor baby, I guess your fingers were all blocked up as well as your damned nose.

Ahhh, I guess I am sounding like a typical woman at this stage but in all honesty I can laugh at myself. I guess I finally realised that I no longer wish to do this dance. Accept a man who only sees me as an option.

I deserve much better than that. And I am happy being single and free without the exasperating wank and bullshit that seems to be going on out there these days.

I will miss our conversations. And in some weird way he was right, we did have a good connect to be able to talk to each other about everything. He was often message me to see how life was going. Talk me through my next adventures on the dating scene and other things. He is good compared to many others, but not good enough for me.

So I have not yet returned his text. And I have no intention of returning it. I don;t want to be mean spirited or game playing like many are. I have simply had enough. Self respect and preservation. Another lesson learned. Life goes on.

Love and whitelight xxx

Don’t settle…life’s too short

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle……

If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. – Steve Jobs (Excerpts from his Stanford Commencement address 2005)

I have always loved that speech. From a man who managed to change the world in his own way and reminds me when I feel that ball of anxiety in my stomach about what I want to and am going to do going forward that trusting in your gut, your instinct; yourself does make a huge difference.

The most recent changes that have affected me, yet not in the way it used to, I now know were meant to occur. Accepting it has made it so much easier to rise above the pain and mental struggle that used to be part of my robotic response to all my failures or what I perceived to be failures in my life; learnt from years of bad and painful experiences.

Our perceived failures are actually gifts. Gifts of learning. But instead of thinking of them as just one more reason why your life is shit when you embrace that shit; and lets face it life is full of it! Then you realise that shit can also be a very good fertilizer which helps the seeds grow and emerge from the soil to become something much more worthwhile and substantial.

Another of my favourite speeches is by the author J K Rowling in a Harvard Commencement speech;

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure. But the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. Failure means a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself to be anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena where I believe I truly belonged. Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built my life.

This last couple of years, (I just realised it is coming up to 2 years since I first reconnected with Joe and the subsequent merde that followed) have brought me to a place I hadn’t been before and might not have found if it hadn’t occurred. Back to myself. I have for years been going through the motions of living disconnected from myself because I believed that separating myself from what I saw as the flawed me meant that I would fit into what was required of me set down by societal expectations and ‘the norm’. But that only made me profoundly unhappy and dissatisfied.

These latest setbacks came about for very good reasons. I am starting to appreciate them. I am asking questions of myself I should have a long time ago. But I am also forming a much stronger opinion about what I want and in particular what I don’t in my life.

Today would have been my flight day. I was booked to fly to Chicago departing today to see a man I thought I knew but realistically how could I and it more than likely would have ended in not only heartbreak but even more disappointment in my life. Another bad choice. I realised that all the things he had accused me of in some of his open criticisms of me and how I live my life were just a reflection of his own incapacity and disappointments. And that is OK. Or I would have perhaps ended up ‘settling’ for something unspectacular because I believed it was the best I could get at my age and in my current circumstances. He once told me my ‘I always land on my feet’ statement was something that was foolhardly and that had an expiration date.Well I’m sorry fellow fool, the difference between you and I is that I truly know and have the faith in myself that it is the truth. The only thing that holds anyone back is other peoples opinions and boundaries if you believe in them.

I, no longer do. Respect others right to an opinion but do not live your life by any other rules but your own.

On a lighter note another strange occurrence happened in this last week or so. “the good one” and his lady broke up. Out of the blue he text me on the weekend to tell me that he too was ‘not having much luck’ in the relationship realm. We are seeing each other this Friday night.

I don’t know, as the Dalai Lama says “sometimes not getting what you want can be a marvelous stroke of luck”….could be true…

Love and whitelight xx

 

Much Ado…oh dear

Well, I finally lost the plot yesterday.  BIG TIME. Alcohol fuelled admittedly and mad as hell but I freakin lost it. I told my ex husband a few what for’s, especially about his not so nice wife who has managed to create so much damage in so many ways; breaking family connections etc through her extreme neuroticism and insecurity. My choice name for her is far too bad to publish here and not a word I would ever usually use because it is just a bad word…but I called her it several times much to his disgust. I DONT CARE and I needed to let it out.

He tried to interfere and complicate my seeing my sons; so I let him have it…all of it..I have always been a big supporter of him as a dad, I know he loves our boys but now they are older and with everything that has happened I could no longer hold back. Sometimes you just need to say what you have bottled up for years. No going back now.

At least, after the ado, the plans to see my sons today came back on track and I am so looking forward to seeing them…it fills my soul to have those two beautiful humans in my arms. And it has been far too long. It was one of the reasons I high tailed it back here apres merde hitting le fan! And losing my job. And then getting back here and losing the man I was kinda in love with. Just to get some time with my boys. And then  re-calibrate.

The days have passed and I know it really is over with yank 2. He hasn’t written, but neither have I.  Yesterday prior to the dummy spit at my ex husband I was having a few Margaritas and listening to some great music. Unfortunately in my alcoholic happy haze I purchased some songs off Itunes that related to our time together and thought I would remember the good things. I was missing him.

KC and the sunshine band, one night we were having a laugh as we did on our marathon skype sessions and he put a song he really liked on by KC; ‘get down tonight’ https://youtu.be/FpoI7vK4uvY ….and we danced..well..as much as we could listening to it and carrying on on skype. I loved that he just let loose in front of me, this lanky 6’3 but handsome man could show his vulnerable and sometimes childlike side to me.

Then I made the mistake of playing 2 others; Melodie Gardot’s ‘baby I’m a fool’..I put the video in one of my previous posts, and Tim Buckley’s wonderful ‘Strange Feelin’… https://youtu.be/loOzxap0YAc …he used to play that alot..sending it to me on skype.

Lost it then. Realised how much I did miss our conversations. We weren’t perfect, there were some bumps in the road, but we talked it through. He was able to do that. Not many men like to talk things through…that’s a feminine domain. God I miss that. And just talking about anything and everything that was infinitely more interesting than ‘Mrs Jone’s cat needing surgery for a bowel obstruction’…oh dear

Popular belief and past history tells me this can’t be resurrected. A relationship is like glass; once it shatters you can try to put it back together but it is never the same. For some silly reason today, sky grey and stormy, raining..I look out the window and imagine what it would be like to just talk to  him again. Crazy, silly, and wishful thinking.

I guess there will be days like these. He was the only man capable of making me completely forget about Joe. I could never work out how I managed to become so wrapped up in that man. The damage he caused with his psychological ministrations. But yank 2 more recently told me I had ‘alot of getting your shit together ‘to do. He was kinda right. And in the same breath he said ‘I am not rejecting you’, knowing how sensitive I still was from my past experiences. And even though that was a little ‘pot calling the kettle black’, we were both fools, but it kind of worked. Well it seemed that way for a while.

After being back here for a couple of weeks, I realise this is not the place for me. But right now I don’t know where is. I love Sydney, I guess I will go back once I sort a few things out here. Right now that would be hard, because I envisioned being there with Yank 2 in the future. I guess time will heal that.

Isn’t it sad. You know that people come into and out of your life, some stay, some go but what I still struggle with is the fact that sometimes the ones you want to stay, go, and  it leaves you feeling like there is something unfinished. I remember once after an argument where I blocked him on Skype he sent a message ‘until the next life’. He may be right.

Love and whitelight xx

The universe works in strange ways

“Women are their own worst enemies. And guilt is the main weapon of self-torture . . . Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.”- Erica Jong, Fear of Flying

I quoted this in a previous post well over a year ago but it resonates and this time for a different reason. I woke up and realised that yank 2 really didn’t give a fuck in the end. No thought to what we had built over the months of constant contact. And being the completely insecure yet ironically arrogant person he was it was easier because he has his flying circus around him at present…he is the centre of his universe. His needs are being met at present so my usefulness had expired. Took me a couple of days to wake up, but I did.

The last few days of at first crying in foetal position and just letting the day pass in either a sleep haze or a drunken stupor and then marathons of ‘Sex and the City’ my favourite series of all time; because it is guaranteed to make me laugh my arse off and remind me how ridiculous relationships between men and women and just life in general can be have worked somewhat.

I thought it would take more time to get over this. I am not completely over this yet but I am in a much better place than I thought I would be. But this wasn’t a ‘Joe’ situation. The ‘him’ in life beyond him. I realised that yank 2 hadn’t had quite the grip on my heart I thought he had, his final actions  how he chose to handle the end of things put paid to that and I guess just the fact that some of the work I did on myself when recovering from the Joe-tastrophy of nearly 18 months ago and just working on myself..post anti-depressants, psychoanalysis dealing with years of pain and abuse hidden…all up…I am much stronger.

The shit has literally been hitting the fan over these last weeks. Losing my job in an unjust way; and then yank telling me I was a ‘field of red flags’ and he didn’t doubt why I would have difficulty securing another job, a huge case of the pot calling the kettle, but ahh all I can feel is sympathy for him. There is a lovely soul in there somewhere but he himself was a real kind of fuck up too; we were birds of a feather. But I know where my faults lie and freely admit it. Flying back to Perth, where even though I am happy to be here and see my sons it will never really feel like ‘home’, not  like Sydney does. But I am here for a while until I sort things.

I was so pissed off the other day that I went out, did a shop of really expensive make up (I would not usually do that and I hate shopping!) had my hair cut, lunch and then spent the rest of the day blowing a good part of my ‘visit yank in America’ fund at the casino in the hope that I would snap out of hoping he would at the last minute write me a beautiful ‘I am sorry, I was wrong, I want you here’ email (I have blocked him on Skype now) and I would fly off to Chicago and into his arms and all would be right again.  I cried on the way home that night thinking how stupid I was blowing that money and that I was only hurting myself. He didn’t care, he’d shown that.

The next day feeling hungover and blue I realised it was my idiotic way of trying to save myself. To stop that wishing to be with him, if I didn’t have the funds…even if he changed his mind I could no longer afford to go anyway….BUT…

Something strange was unfolding. The universe saw fit to have that money returned..god knows without work I needed it but in my pain and sadness I didn’t care at the time. A number of other wonderful and strange coincidences occurred that pulled me out of my black reverie and made me realise there is a reason for everything. And I am grateful for the universe’s intervention yet again. When you feel you are about to hit bottom the universe steps in…each day I am more in awe of it…lets just say many things have and are happening right now that show me the power of the universe….wow…

The last few days I have had the support of ‘the good one’ I wrote about him about a year ago. Our friendship has lasted, his decency in how he handled things with me when we stopped ‘dating’ only served to create an affection and respect for him that no other man has been able to garner. He has said pretty much ‘I am here for you’ and he has been. He lectured me earlier in the piece about yank 2, well not lectured, he doesn’t do that but he is always honest with me. He is seeing someone and I am happy for him but I am glad we have our friendship. I only wish yank 2 was mature enough to have handled things better, I will miss our friendship and amazing talks. We did connect on so many levels. It is sad.

I get to see my beautiful son this weekend. His strength in what he himself is going through only solidifies my thoughts of ‘what right do I have to feel sorry for myself when he is going through what he is’.

I am catching up with friends today for lunch. My dear cherished friend is flying in from the States today and we will catch up in the next days….timing…

And yesterday I had a call about some temporary work, which I know will go some of the way to getting me back out there and helping my confidence after the last job.

All up, I have so much to be thankful for. THANK YOU UNIVERSE.

Love and whitelight xxx

Why do I do it? Feel it, move through it

I have been struggling today. After my decision yesterday to just obliterate the afternoon and night with alcohol because I just couldn’t stand the pain and sick feeling in my stomach. It was the same feeling I had when Joe and I broke up but was also very different because this man was different in so many ways.

Fact of the matter is that he had a unique way of being able to show his vulnerability and then in the next breath he would speak strong and confidently and reiterate how marvelous he was (at times overtly narcissistic, even though having had a very recent experience with a true cerebral narcissist I knew he was not one)…at times I could not keep up with that complex to-ing and fro -ing he seemed to be doing. I think how he felt about us was similar. He wanted us to hang in there with each other and yet another time he would distance himself from the prospect of the committed relationship because he just didn’t need it, it seemed to him. He wasn’t sure about it, it was scary as hell to him I could see that. He was crazy, funny, complex, profound, childlike…it was a ride. At times I felt like I could feel his essence and then he would close off and I could not get a read on him and I remained fascinated and even though alarm bells went off here and there I could not bring myself to save myself from what I am feeling now at his hands.

We did over the times we would talk for hours on Skype discuss and share some very deep personal things with each other. Things I would never repeat because even though he has hurt me in what turned out to be a thoughtless and careless way I know that at times he will think back and feel a profound sense of loss at what we did have and he will know it was of  his own making, sadly. He did not give himself the chance to experience what could have been a love experience like no other, he was scared…once I said that to him and he freely admitted it. He was capable of seeing things that others took a long time to realise or did not at all. He was a special man in my eyes, even though he hurt me.

Me, well I am reeling from the shock that when it happened it was over so quickly. Yet I get the feeling that my intuition was right many days ago when I felt that all was not good and yet I still remained hopeful that the words we both had uttered over the last month or so, after a bad bump about hanging in there and weathering the storms because we both felt there was something worthwhile in the future for us, together.

I ask myself ‘why do you do it?’ keep putting yourself out there, taking that risk, knowing it could result in exactly what I am feeling now and have felt a number of times over but each experience more or less painful than the other? The ‘experts’ in life would say I am stupid; I court this drama and to some extent they could be right but I also know that the flip side of this horrible hurt is an amazing sense of wonder and happiness that at times you feel is so good you want to bottle it and keep it forever…the upside of opening yourself up. When relationships are new, or even long but going well there is nothing like it..feeling love for the person you are with is unlike anything else. Feeling that connection, wow. And I still believe in love.

Last night in my drunken stupor I wrote a long and at times perhaps slightly rough on him email although it is what I thought was true and correct. He had done something similar to me a couple of weeks back. But I was drunk and I did preface the email with that. But in the cold light of day today when I realised he really had let go of us the hurt was back but I realised that either way it was more helpful to myself to speak in more positive terms about what we had and to say goodbye with love, so I did. With the love and care I still feel for him but I know now that he has disconnected and I have had to accept that even this early in the piece because to hold on with hope will only prolong my pain. The chances are he made his decision much sooner than the actual day he let go even if it was a difficult one he tousled with for a time. It is just how it is. Hoping for some miracle that we will somehow make it in the end will only destroy me and I have had enough to deal with both over the years and even still.

With sadness I have let go. I will allow the odd romantic fantasy of us making it in only because I know you must allow yourself to feel the spectrum of emotions and work through it in order to emerge rather than descend into the dark place.

I miss him so, already it feels as if he has been gone forever. But I wish him well.

And now I must deal with me, try to see in front of me..a future. Often when depressed you can not see a future. I will not entertain this feeling for long. I can not go back to that place. I am unmedicated, have been for 2 years now after many years on it. I have fought hard to be healthy and stay away from the dark without that artificial intervention and I refuse to give in now. No matter what. No one can help me but me.

Love and whitelight xxx