A song appropriate for now….and then;
I kinda knew in my heart that things would not last. Or was it that I have become so cynical and jaded by my experiences that it was just a case of ‘self fulfilling prophecy’. It’s hard to tell. Relationships are the polar opposite to death and taxes…uncertain and unpredictable.
We were so close, so close. I had even booked my flights and felt so sure that within a couple of weeks we would finally see each other. Deja Vu. If Joe could read this…and it’s possible he can but being the narcissist he is he hasn’t given me another thought, but if he could he would be laughing his arse off at me..with glee.
I am a fool…as the song says..who thinks it’s cool to fall in love. No matter how many times I get hurt, I still believe that there is love there for me; the right one…for both of us.
He said to me a few days back “I think the timing is right for both of us” when he realised that we were both having such similar experiences right now it was uncanny..family time..he with the upcoming family wedding I was going to attend with him and his much loved brother being back in Chicago for a while and me after my storm which ironically then gave me the ability to be able to go see him after all; the upside of my recent downside. And I thought he meant we were in some kind of serendipitous situation but now I realise he probably thought this was a good time for us to break up because we would both have the soft cushion of family around us.
He was a coward in some ways…he forced my hand and it worked, I jumped or maybe he just didn’t know how to tell me he himself wanted to jump. But he had accused me so many times after our recent bumps of letting go easily and in some ways he was right. I can’t stand pain anymore and yet it is what I am feeling again.
Once again I picked a man incapable of commitment and so inept at love, but that seems to be what I do. It is my comfort zone. It is all I know and even though I know it, I find it so difficult to break that habit. Because this time I genuinely thought we had a chance. He was not or so I thought what I would usually go for. He was strange and quirky and oh so fascinatingly different, knowledgeable. We could talk for hours on end over our Skype sessions and were in sync about so many things and yet still had our differences.
I will miss our talks. I will miss him. Right now I cant imagine what it will be like to never speak to him again. I don’t want it to end. And yet. It is not under my control. Love is like that and I had grown to love him even without seeing him in person…only skype.
These next days will be painful and sad I know. I want to fight it and be so strong as many a time in this blog I have wrongly announced I was. But sadly I am not. And it seems that this time he has given up…maybe he was never really ‘there’ in the first place. I filled a void in his life and entertained him for a while and at present he has his family and all the attention he needs…until he goes back to his long lonely shifts on the road. He admitted to me once that he needed attention. He was able to show me his vulnerable side and open up to me. It is what made me fall for him. Most men won’t. He is not like most men…
It hurts. I am back there again….
to be continued…