Baby I’m a fool…serendipity, afraid not

A song appropriate for now….and then;

I kinda knew in my heart that things would not last. Or was it that I have become so cynical and jaded by my experiences that it was just a case of ‘self fulfilling prophecy’. It’s hard to tell. Relationships are the polar opposite to death and taxes…uncertain and unpredictable.

We were so close, so close. I had even booked my flights and felt so sure that within a couple of weeks we would finally see each other. Deja Vu. If Joe could read this…and it’s possible he can but being the narcissist he is he hasn’t given me another thought, but if he could he would be laughing his arse off at me..with glee.

I am a fool…as the song says..who thinks it’s cool to fall in love. No matter how many times I get hurt, I still believe that there is love there for me; the right one…for both of us.

He said to me a few days back “I think the timing is right for both of us” when he realised that we were both having such similar experiences right now it was uncanny..family time..he with the upcoming family wedding I was going to attend with him and his much loved brother being back in Chicago for a while and me after my storm which ironically then gave me the ability to be able to go see him after all; the upside of my recent downside.  And I thought he meant we were in some kind of serendipitous situation but now I realise he probably thought this was a good time for us to break up because we would both have the soft cushion of family around us.

He was a coward in some ways…he forced my hand and it worked, I jumped or maybe he just didn’t know how to tell me he himself wanted to jump. But he had accused me so many times after our recent bumps of letting go easily and in some ways he was right. I can’t stand pain anymore and yet it is what I am feeling again.

Once again I picked a man incapable of commitment and so inept at love, but that seems to be what I do. It is my comfort zone.  It is all I know and even though I know it, I find it so difficult to break that habit. Because this time I genuinely thought we had a chance. He was not or so I thought what I would usually go for. He was strange and quirky and oh so fascinatingly different, knowledgeable. We could talk for hours on end over our Skype sessions and were in sync about so many things and yet still had our differences.

I will miss our talks. I will miss him. Right now I cant imagine what it will be like to never speak to him again. I don’t want it to end. And yet. It is not under my control. Love is like that and I had grown to love him even without seeing him in person…only skype.

These next days will be painful and sad I know. I want to fight it and be so strong as many a time in this blog I have wrongly announced I was. But sadly I am not. And it seems that this time he has given up…maybe he was never really ‘there’ in the first place. I filled a void in his life and entertained him for a while and at present he has his family and all the attention he needs…until he goes back to his long lonely shifts on the road. He admitted to me once that he needed attention. He was able to show me his vulnerable side and open up to me. It is what made me fall for him. Most men won’t. He is not like most men…

It hurts. I am back there again….

to be continued…

 

Divine timing…realisations

It almost got me again. That thing. That slow spiral decent into the deep dark place where there seems to be no hope. Where all you want to do is shut the world out, close the curtains and stay in foetal position swathed in the only warmth you can find; that of shuteye and sleep in bed where nothing and no one can harm you. Where your mind can get some form of peace.

BUT IT DIDN’T. I skirted the edge of the precipice and this time avoided the dive into the abyss. I gave myself a few days of misery and self flagellation and somehow I lifted myself up and started to think of all the reasons why this apparent ‘end of the world’ situation was not actually the end of the world; IT WAS THE GIFT OF DIVINE TIMING…

I started several posts over the last month since I last posted in this blog only to save the draft with the intention of publishing later. And never did. It is over a month now that I last wrote and as I read back that post and know how much has happened since then I realise that no matter how much I wanted to control the future I just could not.

I lost my job last week. It came like a bolt out of the blue because I thought I was doing well. I was told that I could not perform at the level required of me because I had not acquired (expected through self education in my own time) over the last month or so on the job the ‘advanced excel skills’ required to do what she needed me to do; different than what I thought I was actually required to do when I was hired yet never discussed in the 10 minute interview (yes, she only talked to me for ten minutes and decided I was the one to hire),  which was a job I have nearly 10 years experience in. It simply wasn’t enough.

A cold slap in the career face which as per usual I immediately internalised. And my ‘partner’ of sorts, the yank  criticized me saying that I was a ‘field of red flags’ and that I must have been ‘let go’ for a reason…yes he judged without knowing the facts for which he later made a very heartfelt apology and referred to himself as an ‘asshole’ and having had a ‘bad case of hubris’. That is what I love about him, he has the capacity to admit when he is wrong, apologise and rectify. He also tells me things I do not want to hear that others wouldn’t and says ‘I am not rejecting you’ and sticks with us even when the distance and other factors seems to be against us and always asks me ‘just hang in there baby, it is worth it’. And he feels empathy..something that other narcissistic yanky arsehole could not. But I digress.

So not only had I lost my job which at my age (now 50) brings about an incredible level of self doubt and fear but the person who had not long before that told me ‘I love you babe’ was saying “wake up and smell the roses”. It was as if he was cutting me loose as well.

I was lost for a few days. Sad, hurt, fearful and all the old familiar feelings of pain and inadequacy came pouring through…and it was hard…

With some kind words from  friends, his renewed support and a bit of strength I had finally mustered I made another tough decision. Well, it wasn’t so tough when I flipped all the negative rubbish and took a real good look at things.

This was a gift from the universe, timing and the freedom to do some things I needed to do and sort that had been worrying me for some time.

I was loving it here in some ways, but the main elements were missing; my sons, first and foremost, my love, my friends and feeling really satisfied with what I was doing in my career. The timing for this move here was not right. It was too soon, with so much else that needed to be sorted before I took this leap. And it was brought to my attention in a fast and unexpected way. In my job, my boss had put the kibosh on my being able to go to the July wedding in the states that both Yank and I had been looking forward to attending ‘together’ and it would be our first time face to face after many and regular 2 day a week Skype dates often for hours on end, and constant emails and talking on the phone we would finally see each other. But no, she said no leave. It had saddened and disappointed me and even though he said he understood there was still times he would bring it up. One night he even asked me, just in case I could somehow go, my food preference at the wedding. We both chose the same dish.

My heart was not in this stay here; I was pining for my sons especially knowing that my eldest was now having more difficulty with his disease progressing again and even though when there I could not get to see him often not through want of trying but another trying situation there with my ex husband and his horrid nasty wife, it was was made me give up and fly out far too soon. So many elements were not in place.

Now, there is a very good chance I will make that July wedding in Chicago or very soon thereafter and see my love..he has leave from work so we can spend some real time together. I am flying home to Perth next week and I will see both of my sons poste haste and that makes my soul feel so so good, and I get to sort some things out that really should have been sorted prior to my leaving. And, I have also made some career decisions too. Something I should have done a long time ago, had I had more faith in the universe and more particularly….IN MYSELF.  Watch this space:)

Love and whitelight xxx