5 days to 50…

Thing have changed alot since I started this blog. This cathartic friend over a years journey of self exploration and recovery. In the first days being back from the States I was like an automaton going through the motions. It hadn’t quite hit me that the love I thought was going to be for life…what I had mistakenly considered to the be ‘the one’was not, not real, not worth the time and effort; that I had allowed myself to dream finally that elusive thing that many had managed to find and I had not in nearly 50 years…this…thing…

Love is the thing, they say. Why do we crave it. Why do we hold it up like the Holy Grail which holds all the promise and joy supposedly only to have amazing lows and crashes; burns and pain…what is this thing…LOVE?

I have rabbited on about lessons I have learned over this year. The journey through illness physical and mental, growth and supposedly emerging at times as if yes that’s it  I am finally where I am supposed to be…supposed to? Where am I supposed to be? I should be with my kids; no wait a moment, they are no longer kids they are grown and even though my eldest is ….I can’t bring myself to mention it again right now as the last couple of weeks have been difficult…some circumstances have changed and I worry for him everyday, I miss them both, my boys, everyday, but I have just finally found a good job, some freedom and time away from what I have always considered my prison…the city where I was born…I am spending some time on me. Why does it still not feel right? Like I am letting someone down.

I am 50 in 5 days time. I watch everyone else handle this passage with great happiness and a feeling that the best days of their lives are here and me, I am still the same tortured soul I have been for a most of my life. Things just don’t seem to hit the mark, ever. The only times I can categorically say I am in bliss is when I have my sons in my presence and I am able to put my arms around them, love them and feel proud about the one thing in life I have done right. Had those two beautiful souls.

I have managed to almost sabotage another chance at love through my ridiculous insecurity. Only after some deep thought a couple of days ago did I realise that I am still reeling from not only the crushing hurt I felt at Joe and I not making it but also all the ridiculous relationships with the male species throughout my life and I judge everything still by those tragedies. I can’t seem to let myself just enjoy the experience and take it for what it is. Nothing in life is guaranteed except death and taxes as they say and yet I expect a guarantee now that I won’t get hurt, that this will last…am I really that wounded? I thought I had ‘got over it’. That is what most would say to me, it seems to be the catchcry of the so called successful human these days “just get over it””toughen up”…I am woman hear me roar…

5 days in which I am expecting that magic bullet…that wondrous feeling that oh yes I am finally about to embark on my best years….expecting, expectation, that’s it isn’t it I have expectations and I should know better.

To kind of paraphrase one of my favourite  authors Charles Bukowski; ‘ I am like a Rose that has never bothered to bloom when I should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting’

Am I actually in a kind of depression again?  I am unmedicated now; things rarely give me any joy or excitement; get my heart pumping and racing…is that another expectation? I am bored with the mundaneness of it all…. I am reading this back and it sounds incredibly dark and negative. It is as if I don’t know how be happy at times…has the sum total of all things I have been through finally jaded me. Oh I will pick up for a moment or two here and there; but just in general at present I can’t see a great deal of light. I ask myself ‘what is the point in all this?’.

I’ve spent alot of time looking back today; that, I guess is a mistake. We can not do anything about the past and we have little control over tomorrow…why can’t I be happy today. I am grateful for many things. Grateful for life itself. I feel bad about my feelings and often negative outlook. Perhaps tomorrow will be a good day.

I miss my yank today. I know we will Skype date tomorrow evening as per usual and for the two days we do I will feel somewhat happy. He has a way of putting things into a simple perspective but says it in a profound way. He is quirky, funny, smart but almost childlike at times. He is handsome. Not what I would normally consider my type but maybe that is why this may just work, because he is not the ‘type’ I am used to. And he has become incredibly handsome to me. You know that moment when you realise that all of a sudden this person you are looking at makes you feel this wondrous feeling..a kind of awe…you look and start to appreciate every last detail; their eyes, their face, the marvelous way the lip curls as they express something, the beautiful smile….yes maybe I have found that elusive thing after all…time will tell..

Love and whitlelight xxx

 

The strange world of dating

I have been here in Sydney for a while now a month and a half or so and things have been quite good really with the exception of missing my sons knowing now it is a 3 plus hour plane ride across the country to be able to put my arms around  them.

That is a tug of love.

In the meantime work is going well, I have great colleagues and a good boss. I have moved into a shared apartment with a man in his early 40’s who seems nice enough…but with men you never know especially these days. He is single and looking for much younger women so I am safe!!

Then there is the Yank (no. 2). He and I have been ‘dating’ well on skype and email and phone for a number of months now and all seemed to be going well until a couple of days ago when I thought I would revisit out earlier conversations on the dating site where we met and I discovered he is still on there A and B apparently ‘a vain man, likes to know who is checking him out…’ and a number of other so called reasons why it is ‘pretty harmless ‘ unless he intends to respond if anyone contacts him…

Now, seriously? Am just being insecure or is there a problem with this considering we were supposedly seeing each other? Would anyone else  think as I do that if you are kinda with some one leaving the door open allows your options to remain open?

He is in the process of changing his shifts at work so we can Skype date on the weekends and have more hours together. He invited me to be his plus one at a family wedding there in Chicago but unfortunately I can mot now get the leave from work. We speak everyday pretty much…

Can someone please tell me if I am losing my mind?

Love and whitelightxxx

The anniversary…a year past

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. This blog has been my friend throughout a turbulent and strange year. It’s almost a year since I started it. Only yesterday, and strangely it took a while during the day to realise it; was exactly 1 year to the day that I walked out on Joe in Arizona. That day. One of the worst sick, horrible feelings in the pit of my stomach when I realised I had to. That the man I felt so much for and thought was going to be my life partner going forward was not what or who I thought he was and I was crushed.

It was hard to stand there waiting for the taxi to come, which took absolutely ages and in the meantime he was standing there opposite me initially saying “why?” “do you expect me to make a decision immediately?””what did you expect?” “You going to a hotel makes no sense” and other things of that nature…it was a horrible snapshot of time because inside I was breaking up.

I had never loved and put so much faith in a man before. I trusted him, implicitly. I had allowed myself to regardless of red flags, warning bells in my head and friends telling me all did not seem right. I went against my instinct and I paid very dearly for that. I had never known much about narcissists; its a word and label that is bandied around quite frequently these days and lets face it we all have shades of narcissism in us. But it is not until you finally realised what you had been dealing with and that it wasn’t you…because you tend to internalise and they have a way of making you feel that everything that is wrong in the relationship and just with you in general…your head doesn’t know if it’s Arthur or Martha..it is horrible. And then to realise that most of your male relationships were similar…you had a ‘type’ and you had accepted that type all your life because that is where you felt comfortable even when you knew deep down things were not as they are supposed to be…I was truly a willing participant in  a ‘Stockholm syndrome like mentality’ a majority of my life..at some level but when you realise it..it opens you up and tears at your soul and until you spend time on yourself accepting your true vulnerable self and becoming comfortable with that vulnerability because that is when you know you have become authentic..the struggle continues.

I am now in Sydney. I thought this was the answer and don’t get me wrong I do love it here and always have. I’ve spent many years on and off over my life here and predominantly only had good memories…with the exception of making some really stupid decisions at one stage; investment wise and losing a ridiculous some of money which would now have had me living off the interest alone had it all come to where I thought it would. But that is past. It is gone. Just like the experience I have bemoaned  written above. It must be let go.

I’ve felt a profound sense of loneliness lately and some really sobering realizations. Firstly, but most obviously (of course you stupid stupid woman) I miss my sons terribly. In quite the period before leaving Perth I did not really get to spend time with them as often as I would have liked anyway, but I was ‘there’. Secondly, it doesn’t matter where you go the fact remains that if you are not happy it is not really the place that makes the big difference it is how you feel about yourself inside, and I thought I was feeling good and strong but now I question that on a daily basis even with many things going right like getting a job almost immediately when getting here and my relationship with Yank 2 going as well as can be expected considering the distance apart geographically. I have a dear friend who I am getting to spend time with but he is not necessarily in a good place himself at present and that is difficult to watch.

It’s about connectedness, not only externally but internally. I have been running on disconnect for so long I realise that my world feels empty for the lack of true human connectivity that most have, although I know there are also a lot of other lonely people out there and sometimes it manifests itself as depression and other wonderful (!) illnesses because you feel you are on your own in this goddamned shitfight that is life but really if you really  seek better and more deeper and lasting connections I have seen the difference in life that it makes. As Taylor Swift would put it its her tribe or posse or some other term that escapes me at this point in time that keeps her world flowing. (Did I really just mention Taylor Swift?!!).

I spent alot of my more recent years wanting to spend every bit of time I had with my boys, especially Jordy with his illness progressing and then when it was my time to crumble (when they were with their father pretty much full time except weekends) I did in spectacular fashion away from them so they couldn’t see it (no child, well they were older teens by then, but even so they do not need to see their parent falling apart so I did it alone and in the isolation of my room for long periods of time). People thought I was alright but I wasn’t and I would often decline invitations from friends because of it, making excuses because I simply could not face it. And what that got me was solitude in life alright. But now I am much better in so many ways and the solitude I once coveted I no longer wish to have and yet it is still there. People have moved on. I have a reasonable amount of Facebook friends and i get to watch how magnificent their lives are; parties and get togethers, travel, family functions, all sorts of connectedness and I am watching it all from the outside; like Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s where she peers into the window and sees these beautiful jewels but they are so far out of reach in reality, yet still she hopes and dreams. I do go out, my friend and I did the usual Friday night bar hop in this big beautiful city Friday and had a blast, but on my way home and in a drunken stupor and even with people everywhere, around me, there was this profound sense of loneliness.

My boss this week told me that the trip I was planning to take to Chicago in July to go see my new ‘love’ meet and be with him at his family wedding he so kindly invited me to, was a definite no go because she was on leave over that time and anyway “we just assume that because you are only a contractor you don’t need to take holidays/leave”…and after that another dream became so out of reach that I struggled for a while to see the point of it all. What am I working for apart from putting food in my mouth and trying to find an affordable roof over my head here in a very exciting but truly expensive city rent and housing wise?

Dear god, it is the Hamster wheel all over again.

So where is that magic ‘on’ button? Where you flick the switch and the A ha occurs and you say; yep today I am truly satisfied with my life. I am happy. What is it within me that still manages to not allow me to feel that true sense of gratefulness daily…I even feel bad about these things I am moaning about considering what so may others are going through. What is the answer?

Love and whitelight xx