Alot has happened since my last post. I was contemplating my next move and had been for quite some time running it through my head over and over. It was time to make some difficult decisions. One very difficult one in particular.
Our kids are the greatest gift that we can be given. They are a blessing if we are lucky enough to have them and I love my sons more than life itself and have always referred to them as my anchor to this earth. They are older now; one nearly 20 and the other nearly 22 if the degeneration does not progress as fast as it has been so far the end of and beginning of this year. It has been devastating to watch and not be able to do anything but love him immensely and at times I have been so shaken up by it again more recently in frustration and sadness it threatened to overcome me and drag me into the dark abyss but I have been fighting that with all my might…it won’t help him, or his brother and it certainly could be very detrimental to my future which for a long time I actually did not care so much about as long as I was there for my boys. His father is wealthy and has everything so well set up and in place for his care and at times a bit of independence which is what he likes that as it was I was not able to see him as often as I wanted, that was very difficult.
But I am in transition. I will be 50 in May. I have moved through years of sadness, and darkness at times; like an automaton, doing what I should do. I am now realising that some things are out of our control and to fight that is futile…it is a waste of energy and life.
I owe it to myself; yes I am being selfish right now but I have to to ensure that whatever happens I try make some positive flow in life for whatever time there is and not sit and ruminate and stagnate as I have been doing for a while now. Move forward.
This time last week I flew into Sydney, the big beautiful sprawling metropolis that has always been my second home. I have always been bi-coastal even though I was born in Perth I have always felt at home here even though by virtue of the fact it is one hell of an expensive place to live as far as housing goes rent and buying, and worse now more than ever. But there is something about life here. I love it. And I needed to take a breath from the vacuum I was in in Perth. Something had to shift. So after time with my boys and discussing it with them; my youngest said “mum, you have been here for us and its time you did some things for you” and my eldest also understood…but if I discuss how we talked about it I will break down right now so I won’t. I have to stay strong. I am meeting people today and I have managed to secure a job interview Monday. There is so much work here compared to Perth which is slumped right now because mining and resources fell in a hole. If you have read my previous posts you will see what I mean. I have had calls left right and centre and it has buoyed me a bit. Given me a shot of energy that I haven’t had for a while.
I now think that whatever is meant to be will be, there is only so much we can control. The universe has its way of directing our lives if we allow the flow…right now I am all about letting things flow.
My relationship; yes I think I can safely say my relationship with Yank 2 (my darling) has progressed as best as it can considering we are on different continents right now. It has literally flowed over time; we have a skype date at least once a week when he has his days off and we are often on there for hours and hours just enjoying each other…it is wonderful and unexpected. After the last horror; the HIM in life beyond him I was so cautious and was not going to allow myself to let go easily with this but this has worked and flowed freely and unscripted and it feels wonderful. We email at least a few times daily. He always makes sure he has responded so when I wake in the morning his message is there and a great way to start the day and I do the same for him plus we write as we see or do things we want to tell and share with each other…no expectations but lots of REAL and true CARE and we have both been hinting at something much stronger but holding those words back even though we call each other my love, sweetheart and darling (!) we know there is something very exciting to look forward to in the future. I finally feel satisfied in a relationship…even from afar and am happy to wait as long as it takes and so far it appears that he is too. He has asked me to join him as a plus one at a family wedding in Chicago in July, he said a lot of the family will be there…that means alot. After that I want to him to come to Australia. His brother lives here in Sydney with his wife. I am about to meet them today, he has really encouraged it as a support more than anything but also it seems opening his world up to me. I am a lucky girl, he is a good man.
I have to go now and get ready but I will write more soon,
Love and whitelight xxx