The existential vacuum..foolosophy

There have been many days lately when I’ve said “come on girl, get your merde together” do something, feel something, anything, just don’t lose that marvelous impetus you found more recently. That which took months to get to. Months of therapy and work on the mind body and soul, recovery, and I had honestly thought I was there…and then…

And then.

Nothing.

Somewhere I read that the existential vacuum is where a person reaches a point where they doubt that life has any meaning; a neurosis characterised by loss of interest and lack of initiative…is it that or as most doctors and psych’s would be quick to say; ‘ by george YOU ARE DEPRESSED’

And this morning I woke and it felt like ‘fuck, another day of nothingness’.

It’s weird because there is some good in my life right now. That beautiful man in Chicago with a beautiful smile, a gentle nature, an old but wonderful soul. We talk almost every day either via email or phone or skype. Not last night or this morning for the first time in a while but I know we will skype in a couple of days. With him, I just know. He has integrity. Usually I will wake and he has managed to send a thought..a few words..touch base. And this has been regular since Valentines day when we first met on a dating website. Yes I know I lambasted those blasted things but this time it may have come up with something good.

I am taking it a day at a time, more or less, somehow  we will be in each others physical presence in July, we’ve talked about it…how, at the moment I do not know considering I am not working but it will happen. It is something to aim for and look forward to. And I know this time it will be vastly different to…if you’ve read my very early posts you will know what I am talking about.

At the moment there isn’t much else. I am grateful I am alive, I must be. Some people are fighting for their lives so what right have I to squander these precious hours on this earth. My eldest son lives daily with a ticking time bomb and yet he manages to smile…what right have I to frown.

I have flown close to the edge again a few times recently but some vestige of sanity and hope keeps me afloat….just treading water to keep my head enough above the surface to get in air and if I tilt my head enough I see sunlight for a while before the clouds threaten to roll on in…

The vacuum. I am 50 in less than 2 months and I feel like the clock is ticking….and what am I doing…what can I do, what should I do; SHOULD?

This morning I read this quote ; “What’s the use you learning to do right, when it’s troublesome to do right and isn’t no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same?”  From Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain..

According to whose gospel must I live? Mine or the general populus. Some would say ‘yes, she has lost the plot again’, no, I haven’t…not quite…but I am very close…

I do not know what to do with my life now. I have come to a grinding halt. I am AFRAID…afraid of what I am not doing that I should be and of doing what I should not do…analysis paralysis at its best and most damaging…

All I know is that if I stay….here….there is only nothingness. But at present I can’t see forward too far. I don’t want to leave my sons but I don’t want to stay in this funk…this sleepy one horse town of doom gloom…the longer I stay here the more likely it is I will…cease to exist…I am only merely existing now…I rarely see anyone..or go anywhere..I live too far away and everything is so expensive here. I rarely see my sons and yet being here I know I am here if they need me..what if my beautiful boy passes when I am interstate or overseas would I ever forgive myself…

I need to get my mind back to its healthy; life is worth living state..out of the vacuum…NO MEDICATION..I will not ride that treadmill I would rather die…at least I am not feeling like I want to die right now…there is a glimmer…

My beautiful man wants to read my blog (I haven’t told him what it is called, I cant right now) and I am so scared that when he does he will see the very flawed individual who at present is weak and fearful and indecisive and….tired not lack of sleep tired but mentally tired of years of worry and fighting to stay upright and do what is required of her…

I think I will just take a swig of liquid courage and leave the decisions for tomorrow…for now…

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

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