Difficult decisions…flow

Alot has happened since my last post. I was contemplating my next move and had been for quite some time running it through my head over and over. It was time to make some difficult decisions. One very difficult one in particular.

Our kids are the greatest gift that we can be given. They are a blessing if we are lucky enough to have them and I love my sons more than life itself and have always referred to them as my anchor to this earth. They are older now; one nearly 20 and the other nearly 22 if the degeneration does not progress as fast as it has been so far the end of and beginning of this year. It has been devastating to watch and not be able to do anything but love him immensely and at times I have been so shaken up by it again more recently in frustration and sadness it threatened to overcome me and drag me into the dark abyss but I have been fighting that with all my might…it won’t help him, or his brother and it certainly could be very detrimental to my future which for a long time I actually did not care so much about as long as I was there for my boys. His father is wealthy and has everything so well set up and in place for his care and at times a bit of independence which is what he likes that as it was I was not able to see him as often as I wanted, that was very difficult.

But I am in transition. I will be 50 in May. I have moved through years of sadness, and darkness at times; like an automaton, doing what I should do. I am now realising that some things are out of our control and to fight that is futile…it is a waste of energy and life.

I owe it to myself; yes I am being selfish right now but I have to to ensure that whatever happens I try make some positive flow in life for whatever time there is and not sit and ruminate and stagnate as I have been doing for a while now. Move forward.

This time last week I flew into Sydney, the big beautiful sprawling metropolis that has always been my second home. I have always been bi-coastal even though I was born in Perth I have always felt at home here even though by virtue of the fact it is one hell of an expensive place to live as far as housing goes rent and buying, and worse now more than ever. But there is something about life here. I love it. And I needed to take a breath from the vacuum I was in in Perth. Something had to shift. So after time with my boys and discussing it with them; my youngest said “mum, you have been here for us and its time you did some things for you” and my eldest also understood…but if I discuss how we talked about it I will break down right now so I won’t. I have to stay strong. I am meeting people today and I have managed to secure a job interview Monday. There is so much work here compared to Perth which is slumped right now because mining and resources fell in a hole. If you have read my previous posts you will see what I mean. I have had calls left right and centre and it has buoyed me a bit. Given me a shot of energy that I haven’t had for a while.

I now think that whatever is meant to be will be, there is only so much we can control. The universe has its way of directing our lives if we allow the flow…right now I am all about letting things flow.

My relationship; yes I think I can safely say my relationship with Yank 2 (my darling) has progressed as best as it can considering we are on different continents right now. It has literally flowed over time; we have a skype date at least once a week when he has his days off and we are often on there for hours and hours just enjoying each other…it is wonderful and unexpected. After the last horror; the HIM in life beyond him I was so cautious and was not going to allow myself to let go easily with this but this has worked and flowed freely and unscripted and it feels wonderful. We email at least a few times daily. He always makes sure he has responded so when I wake in the morning his message is there and a great way to start the day and I do the same for him plus we write as we see or do things we want to tell and share with each other…no expectations but lots of REAL and true CARE and we have both been hinting at something much stronger but holding those words back even though we call each other my love, sweetheart and darling (!) we know there is something very exciting to look forward to in the future. I finally feel satisfied in a relationship…even from afar and am happy to wait as long as it takes and so far it appears that he is too. He has asked me to join him as a plus one at a family wedding in Chicago in July, he said a lot of the family will be there…that means alot. After that I want to him to come to Australia. His brother lives here in Sydney with his wife. I am about to meet them today, he has really encouraged it as a support more than anything but also it seems opening his world up to me. I am a lucky girl, he is a good man.

I have to go now and get ready but I will write more soon,

Love and whitelight xxx

 

 

 

The existential vacuum..foolosophy

There have been many days lately when I’ve said “come on girl, get your merde together” do something, feel something, anything, just don’t lose that marvelous impetus you found more recently. That which took months to get to. Months of therapy and work on the mind body and soul, recovery, and I had honestly thought I was there…and then…

And then.

Nothing.

Somewhere I read that the existential vacuum is where a person reaches a point where they doubt that life has any meaning; a neurosis characterised by loss of interest and lack of initiative…is it that or as most doctors and psych’s would be quick to say; ‘ by george YOU ARE DEPRESSED’

And this morning I woke and it felt like ‘fuck, another day of nothingness’.

It’s weird because there is some good in my life right now. That beautiful man in Chicago with a beautiful smile, a gentle nature, an old but wonderful soul. We talk almost every day either via email or phone or skype. Not last night or this morning for the first time in a while but I know we will skype in a couple of days. With him, I just know. He has integrity. Usually I will wake and he has managed to send a thought..a few words..touch base. And this has been regular since Valentines day when we first met on a dating website. Yes I know I lambasted those blasted things but this time it may have come up with something good.

I am taking it a day at a time, more or less, somehow  we will be in each others physical presence in July, we’ve talked about it…how, at the moment I do not know considering I am not working but it will happen. It is something to aim for and look forward to. And I know this time it will be vastly different to…if you’ve read my very early posts you will know what I am talking about.

At the moment there isn’t much else. I am grateful I am alive, I must be. Some people are fighting for their lives so what right have I to squander these precious hours on this earth. My eldest son lives daily with a ticking time bomb and yet he manages to smile…what right have I to frown.

I have flown close to the edge again a few times recently but some vestige of sanity and hope keeps me afloat….just treading water to keep my head enough above the surface to get in air and if I tilt my head enough I see sunlight for a while before the clouds threaten to roll on in…

The vacuum. I am 50 in less than 2 months and I feel like the clock is ticking….and what am I doing…what can I do, what should I do; SHOULD?

This morning I read this quote ; “What’s the use you learning to do right, when it’s troublesome to do right and isn’t no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same?”  From Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain..

According to whose gospel must I live? Mine or the general populus. Some would say ‘yes, she has lost the plot again’, no, I haven’t…not quite…but I am very close…

I do not know what to do with my life now. I have come to a grinding halt. I am AFRAID…afraid of what I am not doing that I should be and of doing what I should not do…analysis paralysis at its best and most damaging…

All I know is that if I stay….here….there is only nothingness. But at present I can’t see forward too far. I don’t want to leave my sons but I don’t want to stay in this funk…this sleepy one horse town of doom gloom…the longer I stay here the more likely it is I will…cease to exist…I am only merely existing now…I rarely see anyone..or go anywhere..I live too far away and everything is so expensive here. I rarely see my sons and yet being here I know I am here if they need me..what if my beautiful boy passes when I am interstate or overseas would I ever forgive myself…

I need to get my mind back to its healthy; life is worth living state..out of the vacuum…NO MEDICATION..I will not ride that treadmill I would rather die…at least I am not feeling like I want to die right now…there is a glimmer…

My beautiful man wants to read my blog (I haven’t told him what it is called, I cant right now) and I am so scared that when he does he will see the very flawed individual who at present is weak and fearful and indecisive and….tired not lack of sleep tired but mentally tired of years of worry and fighting to stay upright and do what is required of her…

I think I will just take a swig of liquid courage and leave the decisions for tomorrow…for now…

Love and whitelight xx