I have just read back a couple of my most recent posts. Even my last one and not only was it not spell and grammar checked…I am usually a stickler for well written sentences and good spelling but they were written on my phone on trains and I was inebriated. Something I have done a bit more than usual lately again because I seem to have hit a very strange stage in my life.
Tired. Tired of alot of things..this constant pulling on my emotions with my son and my love life, one of my best friends leaving and moving to Seattle and my job situation…although I do have an interview today for a contract role which sounds heavenly to me as it is in familiar territory with reasonable hours and commitment. I was still somewhat battering myself about leaving the permanent job but something had to give…I was reaching critical mass. The hours and expectations were just too unreasonable. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do for me but I also know what it will look like to others. But it is not about that. And the one thing I have learnt of late is that you need to be true to yourself and take care of you. No one else can do that.
The yank and I seem to be tanking a bit. Part me part him. Long distance is never easy. He has counselled me alot lately saying things like “Roz, you are going through part of the tough 7 year cycle (at 49) and hang on you are in for a ride” (I am 49 currently and he is 56) this theory that every 7 years there are massive shifts and changes like second set of teeth at 7, puberty at 14 ish, etc etc. He feels that I am at a really difficult stage but says he will be there to help me through because he has been there. He could be right. At times he does seem quite intuitive about things.
There was a series in Britain of similar vain called the “up series” where they followed the lives of a group of people from 7 years onward into their late 50’s and the swings and roundabouts were incredible; from rags to riches and homelessness for some and back again. There could be something in it. at the moment I am thinking OH..WHAT THE HELL, just roll with it.
And then there is the reemergence of the ‘good one’. We spoke at length last night and text alot yesterday. The sexual spark is still there and he revealed that he was confused about why we couldn’t take things forward in our relationship and that he had thought about it. Now he tells me! Now when I have struck up this thing with Yank number 2. I am quite confused about this all. When things are good with yank and I they are real good. But we haven’t met in person yet and won’t until probably July when I will try visit because I also want to visit my cherished friend in Seattle. I miss her already and we tried to Skype today but the damn thing is not working probably but she seems as out of sorts as I.
That is the thing. Not only I but a few people I know are currently going through something with life and relationships..now that sounds a bit “well hello, who isn;t??!” but it almost feels as if there is some cosmic shift occurring…cue TWIGHLIGHT ZONE music I am on the train to crazy town!!
Oh damn I just realised the time…I have to go to this meeting in town another long commute to and fro…but I will write again later…
Love and whitelight xx