It has been a very trying week this last week but ultimately it resulted in change. Change is the one constant in life or so something similar was stated by the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. There are certain things we wish could stay the same forever…but nothing does.
I took a very big leap this past week. I chose to take a leap most with sane head and stable lives would not have. I resigned my job. It is not the first time I have walked out of an untenable situation and knowing me it won’t be the last. But it had started to affect my health and mental well being and I had to make the tough choice. In this day here in Perth particularly the timing is not great…to say the least. Our economy and record levels of unemployment made it even foolhardy and the reaction I have had from some I have told has been what I expected.
But they have not been through what I have been through, am still going through and I took a decision to make my mental and physical health a priority. In essence, I know life is short…I am watching the life being drained out of my beautiful eldest son and everyday I wake wondering if that phone call is coming. If I dare think about it for a moment my eyes well up with tears and I feel helpless.
Only recently I went back to my so called ‘good’ doctor and after an expensive consultation the end result was what I have come to expect from most doctors; medication..
Do they dare to think that things can be overcome without it, that it takes time and effort but it can be done? No. Our reliance on chemical intervention is outrageous. Someone the other day said they had thought half the worlds population are on Anti depressants. What does that say about life and our ability to cope with it unaided.
I chose to do the hard yards. In the last 18 months I have ridden a pretty tough tsunami of emotions but whilst I have been very emotional I know that those emotions come from the fact that there is shit going on in my life that is real. Real life. And it is tough but you put one foot in front of the other and you keep moving. This coming from a person who spent 17 years on anti depressants and finally was rid if them in the last couple of years. Unfortunately, the timing sucked but when is it a good time to take a leap of faith in yourself. Nothing is ever sure thing.
I may have committed career suicide from one perspective and at first the leap made me feel incredibly sick in the stomach and worried sick. But I know what I am capable of and that there is still a wealth of untapped ability there, we all have it but many of us chose to take the practical road where the ups and downs are not as variable and we can have some semblance of control. And that is logical. It is safer.
Even though three different psychologists and psychiatrists over the years have told me I am definitely not bipolar or similar my doctor the other day chose to say that she thought I did have episodes a mild hypomania. She said “even I have times when I am hypomanic”…in my mind I was thinking ‘yes I can definitely see that!”, she is a smart and fairly dynamic woman..has what you would probably call ‘charisma’. Only yesterday I was reading in Psychology today about what it will take to be the U.S’s next President and they noted that Bill Clinton an extremely smart and charismatic man was hypomanic to an extent. If you look at many famous and successful people closely you will find there is an element of hypomanic behaviour and often it is in those times that their best work is done. It is a propellant, it moves them to do extraordinary things.
Why would I want to put a cap on that? Why would I want to stifle the ability to create something good, although I do know I need to apply it to good and not evil!:)
So this last couple of days I have been working out my next steps. Working through the fear of the future from a practical perspective and thinking about the possibility ahead of me. Possibility. Possibilities.
All roads have been leading to this point. The only limitation is the one I put on myself and if I listen to the wrong advice. But ultimately what happens next is in my hands…well mostly..
Love and whitelight xx