Venus and Mars and bars…

Oh dear…it’s been a while. I do love blogging but times lately, well..and tonight..several cocktails to the wind…from misery to ball-siness in 10 seconds flat..

Yank number 2 (Chicago boy) has been taking up a little of my time. Over his work break we Skyped (one day for 7 hours, the next for 5 plus numerous emails daily and phone calls over  number of weeks a couple of months ) when I finally managed to fix my ability to skype..bloomin HP laptops and a whole host of other failing issues for which I must say I had a good edumacation (sic) poste haste on reconfiguration, reinstalling drivers yada..

Now I must say, Yank 2 is a vast improvement on Yank 1 (Arizona A-Hat although originally from Pennsylvania does that matter I don’t know..I am not a yank aficionado. ) Mind you they could not be more different. One aggressive and over confident about his ‘achievements an abilities” the other open and able to show his vulnerabilities and crazy quirkiness without being an ass-hat..

One with a supposed decent bank account (quite frankly, I did not give a flying fig about that…been there done that! And honestly I think he vastly overstated!) and amazing achievements in the corporate world..supposed. The other doing honest good work.yet not overly financial..(not that that matters)..somewhat menial but who cares, it is honest and solid, he is cultured, quite intelligent, and he is infinitely better at communicating irrespective of it being the asshats  (yank 1) apparent forte linked to his job….and yet..

I have come to realise that there are shortcomings no matter what. Be they physical, psychological or financial (once again..I do not give a flying fig about that )

Its about real and connection and being a decent human being..

Ohh dear…cocktails prevail..they are kicking in big time…went to the gym today for the first time in weeks and worked hard..I think  body has had enough for now…to be continued…missed you…bloggosphere..

Love and whitelight xx

Ooops a daisy

Yes, it is midweek. And following on from earlier I am slightly blitzed…but happy and loving…why is it that at my …best..no one is here to see it?

Ohhh yehh..ARS (Atlanta Rythym Section) ” I am sooo into you.”..love so much of this American music of old..ok its not that old..I have some fantastic actual older stuff..blues etc  Son House..Grinning in your face..my god America the blessed in terms of its music..yet some of it comes from oppression and pain..it is still…remarkable. ..and I am a loyal fan.

Loyal

I am happy right now, alcohol does it, alcohol and music does it. It is an escape, a very happy escape. It was my solace from a fucking brutal childhood, maybe not so much physically although that was there too in its various forms. But psychologically…

But you can’t wear that as a badge of excuse all your life. That’s just making excuses.

You need to choose not to be a victim. I am so mired in victim mode..even from relationships. I have dated so many f*/%€£ duds..selfish arrogant bastards..its all I kinda feel comfortable with.

We are all patterned by our environment.

But we can choose to break that patterning. I realized that the other day when Yank number 2 asked me via Skype type because my Skype isn’t working  properly to phone him “phone me”..he was drunk and then proceeded to tell me about his dinner with a woman who has always had a thing about him..he is moving in with her to help her with the rent on her condo…bit its OK..because she has a man she is seeing so..that is the proviso..because he is not interested. …hmmm

Am I dumb?

No. My radar is highly tuned, but I am interested in how this story unfolds  ..I am going to write that fucking novel very very shortly. ..man do I have some fodder. .

He is, however, intriguing in other ways. Entertaining even. And I do think there is an element of genuineness.

Believe me. I am highly aware these days after the aftermath of JOE..

I often wonder if he realized that he was bloody tapped. But I will always remember that beautiful young man he was…an officer (!) and a gentleman..if only for that period of life. And wonder what happened to change him to that extent…sad.

I have a thing for yankee men it seems. Poor ‘the good one’ local Italian boy said “what is this thing you have for yanks, aren’t Australian men good enough?”

I can’t answer that. Except for the fact that they seem to fake ‘gentleman’ and ‘romance’ a tad better than Aussie blokes.

In all fairness..a man is a man..if he actually is capable of being a man..no matter what nationality.

Aye carumba. .I am too
to continue this rant right now…

To be continued. ….ahhh..bloomin WordPress app  where is the publish button on my phone ..sheesh

Pressing pause on the despair button

Just a short post today. I am on a train and long commute into the city to another interview as I quit my last job a few weeks ago through exhaustion and stress because the excessive unpaid hours and unrealistic expectations were too much to bear considering other trials in my life at present. Sometimes something has to give and I chose my health and sanity first.

Our state is in a bad situation where unemployment is concerned many are out of work so for me to get interviews is a blessing and a miracle for which I am grateful. And this is far removed from the type of work I just resigned from. Its something I did for a number of years before I got married and had my sons, my first career; in Travel and I loved it and I have been considering starting my own mobile travel business so I figure this can reacquaint me with my old friend. Its much less pay but money isn’t everything. Life is much too short to do what you do not enjoy. And in time I will go independent.

Last week for the first time in a very long time I found myself deep in despair   again. And one night in a drunken stupor I even contemplated permanent peace…but only for a moment. I was sobbing in the cab home and the young taxi driver, a migrant from Africa kept saying “please Miss don’t cry I feel your pain you will be ok you will see” and after a time after the pain was cried out…he was right. I have had words and simple acts of kindness all around but in the depths of my despair I could not see it.

I realized that the saying “this too shall pass is oh so very true” no matter what..

So for now the pause button is pressed on my despair and I can appreciate the small blessings all around..

Love and whitelightxxx

The train to crazy town..

I have just read back a couple of my most recent posts. Even my last one and not only was it not spell and grammar checked…I am usually a stickler for well written sentences and good spelling but they were written on my phone on trains and I was inebriated. Something I have done a bit more than usual lately again because I seem to have hit a very strange stage in my life.

Tired. Tired of alot of things..this constant pulling on my emotions with my son and my love life, one of my best friends leaving and moving to Seattle and my job situation…although I do have an interview today for a contract role which sounds heavenly to me as it is in familiar territory with reasonable hours and commitment. I was still somewhat battering myself about leaving the permanent job but something had to give…I was reaching critical mass. The hours and expectations were just too unreasonable. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do for me but I also know what it will look like to others. But it is not about that. And the one thing I have learnt of late is that you need to be true to yourself and take care of you. No one else can do that.

The yank and I seem to be tanking a bit. Part me part him. Long distance is never easy. He has counselled me alot lately saying things like “Roz, you are going through part of the tough 7 year cycle (at 49) and hang on you are in for a ride” (I am 49 currently and he is 56) this theory that every 7 years there are massive shifts and changes like second set of teeth at 7, puberty at 14 ish, etc etc. He feels that I am at a really difficult stage but says he will be there to help me through because he has been there. He could be right. At times he does seem quite intuitive about things.

There was a series in Britain of similar vain called the “up series” where they followed the lives of a group of people from 7 years onward into their late 50’s and the swings and roundabouts were incredible; from rags to riches and homelessness for some and back again. There could be something in it.  at the moment I am thinking OH..WHAT THE HELL, just roll with it.

And then there is the reemergence of the ‘good one’. We  spoke at length last night and text alot yesterday. The sexual spark is still there and he revealed that he was confused about why we couldn’t take things forward in our relationship and that he had thought about it. Now he tells me! Now when I have struck up this thing with Yank number 2. I am quite confused about this all. When things are good with yank and I they are real good. But we haven’t met in person yet and won’t until probably July when I will try visit because I also want to visit my cherished friend in Seattle. I miss her already and we tried to Skype today but the damn thing is not working probably but she seems as out of sorts as I.

That is the thing. Not only I but a few people I know are currently going through something with life and relationships..now that sounds a bit “well hello, who isn;t??!” but it almost feels as if there is some cosmic shift occurring…cue TWIGHLIGHT ZONE music I am on the train to crazy town!!

Oh damn I just realised the time…I have to go to this meeting in town another long commute to and fro…but I will write again later…

Love and whitelight xx

 

Hell..its the Simpsons sky…

I am on a train into the City I have become to loathe. The sky jas am amazing the ‘Simpsons ‘ hue and view about it..am I that fucking bored?!

I woke this morning with full intention of making a decision. The right one. But Yank number 2 had asked to Skype with  me today and as I woke with indifference in my gut as most days lately I thought ‘oh fuck’ maybe he is THE ONE…haha

Are you ever supposed to get that belt in the stomach. ..of the one?

I though Joe eas the one and he managed to elicit feelings in me I never thought possible yet at the point of contact. ..it fell painfully short. When he kissed  me I remember thinking of a lizard. ..what a bamboozling experience. I was by all intents and purposes made in love with this inept freaking narcissist  that somehow destroyed my heareat.  Where was my head and heart at?

I have had several very heavy doses of reality in the last couple of years

After my failed skype yet phone call long to him today…yank 2..I realized that I am now finally firmly in touch with a part of me I never knew…my essence.

That although I feel a connection with this man, when I listen to him I cannot but help judge him by past history and a feeling  ..hello. ..I have heard it before. ..the me…me me…

I don’t want to go there again…I messaged my ex lover…the ‘good one’.. he seems engaged because I know in essence he is a physical being like  I and we will probably meet..and fuck..even clandestinely…but ultimately my soul cries out for the one that matches me…is he there?

Live and whitelightxxx

Empty

I am on a train back from a part day with my dear friend. After this long ride I will have to pay nearly  $40 for a cab home. This is where my life is.

London Grammar is on my ipod..Strong. it is anything but what I feel right now. The nana police on our trains.. I guess I should be grateful for the protection just waved at me, I was head down writing this..where’s you card/ticket? I waved it at him…I am nearly 50 and I  am straggling back from a night out..on public transport. I guess  I am being responsible. .I am not drink driving.

The casino was packed. I couldn’t help feeling I was in a pig pen..not some semi classy establishment. Not possible. It is Perth.

Ohh..Cream..sitting on top of the world  ..good and torturous at the same time…it is hard to write right now..hard to contemplate life going forward. ..

Back tomorrow. ..

 

 

 

 

The leap…

It has been a very trying week this last week but ultimately it resulted in change. Change is the one constant in life or so something similar was stated by the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. There are certain things we wish could stay the same forever…but nothing does.

I took a very big leap this past week. I chose to take a leap most with sane head and stable lives would not have. I resigned my job. It is not the first time I have walked out of an untenable situation and knowing me it won’t be the last. But it had started to affect my health and mental well being and I had to make the tough choice. In this day here in Perth particularly the timing is not great…to say the least. Our economy and record levels of unemployment made it even foolhardy and the reaction I have had from some I have told has been what I expected.

But they have not been through what I have been through, am still going through and I took a decision to make my mental and physical health a priority. In essence, I know life is short…I am watching the life being drained out of my beautiful eldest son and everyday I wake wondering if that phone call is coming. If I dare think about it for a moment my eyes well up with tears and I feel helpless.

Only recently I went back to my so called ‘good’ doctor and after an expensive consultation the end result was what I have come to expect from most doctors; medication..

Do they dare to think that things can be overcome without it, that it takes time and effort but it can be done? No. Our reliance on chemical intervention is outrageous. Someone the other day said they had thought half the worlds population are on Anti depressants. What does that say about life and our ability to cope with it unaided.

I chose to do the hard yards. In the last 18 months I have ridden a pretty tough tsunami of emotions but whilst I have been very emotional I know that those emotions come from the fact that there is shit going on in my life that is real. Real life. And it is tough but you put one foot in front of the other and you keep moving. This coming from a person who spent 17 years on anti depressants and finally was rid if them in the last couple of years. Unfortunately, the timing sucked but when is it a good time to take a leap of faith in yourself. Nothing is ever  sure thing.

I may have committed career suicide from one perspective and at first the leap made me feel incredibly sick in the stomach and worried sick. But I know what I am capable of and that there is still a wealth of untapped ability there, we all have it but many of us chose to take the practical road where the ups and downs are not as variable and we can have some semblance of control. And that is logical. It is safer.

Even though three different psychologists and psychiatrists over the years have told me I am definitely not bipolar or similar my doctor the other day chose to say that she thought I did have episodes a mild hypomania. She said “even I have times when I am hypomanic”…in my mind I was thinking ‘yes I can definitely see that!”, she is a smart and fairly dynamic woman..has what you would probably call ‘charisma’. Only yesterday I was reading in Psychology today about what it will take to be the U.S’s next President and they noted that Bill Clinton an extremely smart and charismatic man was hypomanic to an extent. If you look at many famous and successful people closely you will find there is an element of hypomanic behaviour and often it is in those times that their best work is done. It is a propellant, it moves them to do extraordinary things.

Why would I want to put a cap on that? Why would I want to stifle the ability to create something good, although I do know I need to apply it to good and not evil!:)

So this last couple of days I have been working out my next steps. Working through the fear of the future from a practical perspective and thinking about the possibility ahead of me. Possibility. Possibilities.

All roads have been leading to this point. The only limitation is the one I put on myself and if I listen to the wrong advice. But ultimately what happens next is in my hands…well mostly..

Love and whitelight xx