To medicate or not to medicate?

Like the sands through the hour glass….I sit this morning and hear the clock ticking in the hall. I sit on my bed laptop on lap…reading, contemplating. I was enjoying the peace until some twat burned down the road in his …yes…a Holden Commodore…souped up..and disturbed my inner peace which lately has been hanging by a thread anyway…and my eardrums. It is only 0930am and this idiot and his phallic rev has managed to annoy me.

I am annoyed alot lately, annoyed alot and I cry alot.

Only the other day I was at the Doctor, finally back at my regular Doctor whom I quite respected, because I could finally afford her. After a half hour visit about a few health issues and an $145 bill I came out of there with the obligatory 3 prescriptions of which only one I filled and I still have not taken the meds yet.

She has decided that since she could not cajole me into taking antidepressants again the only option for my physical and mental state was to take Hormone replacement therapy and she also threw in a script for a sedative and then an antibiotic for a lung issue I thought had cleared but apparently hasn’t after 2 lots of antibiotic anyway. I filled the antibiotic but I haven’t taken it. And there is no way I will fill the script for sedative and HRT until I am really sure it is a road I need to go down. I want to know the side effects; there is always a risk/reward ratio and if there simply is no other way to deal with everything that has been battering my troubled mind lately.

Exercise worked exceptionally well up until recently when I have not been able to get to the gym because of work…long hours and long commute which seems at present to make it impossible to get there and I am very annoyed at that because I know it would help some. I am going to go today a bit later.

I already tried to resign from my new job twice last week. 5 weeks in and the stress was mounting, the ridiculous hours; unpaid, underpaid and overlooked. Rude and unreasonable clientele and I did not want to be back in a bad situation again…after everything life is too short to be a battery hen. But they have managed to talk me out of it for now; god knows why and I will persist a while longer because at this point the alternative…no work is also untenable..but it is a horrible feeling waking up with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach knowing what the day has in store for you and not wanting to go there but having to.

I was ready, prepared to fire on all cylinders so I thought. But issues like my ailing degenerative son and other things that I have mentioned before compounded by a job that is relentless have pushed me about as far I can go at this point. But I am sick of feeling this way and this weekend I have tried to do things that are enjoyable and relaxing, extra sleep because at present I do not sleep well and staying connected with people who are decent, and compassionate and I can talk to.

My yank; mark 2 has been a godsend. We are still just having friendly conversations but it is daily now. And they are fun and without pressure or expectation and light. We seem to have alot of common ground. He is cultured, witty, intelligent and appears to be quite sane as opposed to version 1!

He was telling me that he is going to an Oscar’s party Sunday night in Chicago..he hangs out with the bohemian arty types as he is also very creative and has been involved in some interesting projects and things and I envied that in wonderful places like Chicago, and the the states you can do those things; the people, the venues, the events the options….ah yes, options…

Perth is limited that way. As much as this is a beautiful city and things are improving it still has a hell of a way to go. Cue crickets  and prickly bushes….and nothing…

It is not surprising that many who live here and are able to high tail it out of the country at every chance they get! Many Perthites go to Bali, it is cheap, cheaper than here and many feel at home there. It is enough of a cultural experience for the uncultured…

I am perhaps exaggerating a tad but I have never felt the spirit in this city as I have many others like Sydney and particularly in the states. But I don’t think may places can beat our beaches, that I will say.

Every time I think about my options at present I drift away to the things I want to do knowing that it is impossible right now. I may take a trip to the states later this year as I have discussed with my friend. And also one of my dear friends is leaving Perth for good soon and moving with her husband to Seattle in the US and I so envy her and I am going to miss her. So I will kill 2 birds on that visit and it at least gives me a little something to look forward to.

But in the meantime…the mire…to medicate or not to medicate…I fought so hard to do without and have done so for over 18 months now. I really do not want to go there…even HRT. But I really wish someone could give me some good reliable advice on it…

Ultimately…I guess I will go with my gut. That thing I did not trust for so long but more recently started to pay attention to…we’ll see

Love and whitelight xxx

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