F#^&$ Valentines Day…hamster wheel again

OK. I know this won’t be popular with all those loved up couples and googly eyed girlies who think they will be lucky enough to get a Rose this year, but me;”frankly my dear I don’t give a damn!” to quote Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind. The frequent bombardment of marketing, ads and sickly sentiment everywhere makes me want to VOMIT in technicolor.

Buy a Pool we will colour the water red as a Valentine day’s special, Special sale for Valentine’s day…kiss my arse you stupid idiots I am not going to buy anything that has ‘on special for Valentines Day’ on it. Crock of merde! (French for sh.t!)

DO THEY REALISE THAT NOT EVERYONE FINDS THIS DAY INTERESTING??? Or exciting, and it is also the one day that if your self esteem is under the floor you feel even more like shit! Fuck that crap….royally….

I am sorry for my foul language and negativity but it really gets my goat…ARRRGGGHHH!

I shall now descend from my soapbox.

Possibly in disgrace for not believing in this butterflies and unicorns day tomorrow..arrgghh..yet again..

Could be where I am right now. Back on the Hamster wheel of life. Groundhog day etc etc. Midlife existential crisis, hormonally fluctuating like bitch!

And damn it I have been so good and positive and much stronger than I have been for years recently but as my last post said there are still challenges around me but I am getting so damn tired of it all and when I think of my beautiful son and what he is going through and the plight of many others I keep saying to myself when I am in whinge mode; YOU NEED TO BE GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE MANY BLESSINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.you have food, shelter, a job, good friends even though they are scarce alot of the time because their own lives are busy, sons you love dearly etc and as I said alot of first world problems but by god I felt weak this week.

And I need to let it out. I can’t talk to people because they are probably sick of hearing negativity, we all are…and even my regular blog readers will read this and go uggghh..that wasn’t worth reading..but this log is still my cathartic outlet…I need it right now…I WILL not descend into depression EVER again…NOT AN OPTION….

Now for the hamster wheel;  my sons deteriorating health; a photo was sent to me whilst I was at work of him sleeping on a couch, exhausted and where I could see his tongue stuck out of his mouth because he can no longer control it and it gets in the way, his arm and hand no longer useful legs and feet starting to curl inward, fading and skinny from not being able to eat properly now..it is….devastating even though I knew it was coming…trying to focus on my new job because I need to earn a living in this goddamn expensive city and move closer to the city so I can be at hand for him and my other son but trying to save the money for bond and rent in advance and moving costs to get my things out of storage..of which the cost is expensive, work days long including a 3 hour total commute and feeling exhausted after as I have had pain in my right lung when I breathe (my right lung is scarred from 2 bad bouts of pneumonia and am a bronchial asthmatic) and a chest infection/virus but I must go to work, must persist…keep my job in this bad economy and to move forward. Every morning on the bus and train in I fight to not think about my son and hold back tears of frustration and sadness, but I know I can not stuff up my work chances again after the last 2 years. I have been doing well at work funnily enough. The frustration of not being able to go to the gym, which has been my absolute saviour for my health and mind because of this lurgy. The disappearance of my period and the related hormonal crap and I know and understand I am going through the change hence my inability to hold back tears at times…those bloody hormones…but exercise helps…arrrgghhh

I so wanted to drink several Martinis last night but I am on strong antibiotics so that would be counter productive…oh my god, a nanosecond of ‘thinking straight’ in the midst of everything…amazing..sleep patterns fucked up because of hormones and external stresses…AYE CARUMBA..there is more, much more but I can’t be bothered now;

even I am tired of reading it!

And then last but not least, it has taken 2 weeks to finally stop thinking about the loss of the “good one” yet another failed relationship of sorts with no prospects in sight (and intermittent thoughts of the yank debacle still because there is no one else in sight probably or maybe he will always be there and the dream I thought was to be us still lingers in the background even though I know now it was never real…he did not mean a thing he said…narcissists don’t and it took a long time for my hearts scars to cover over) but with all of it why should I want it.  Even the dating site has gone quiet on me..which is kind of a relief at the moment but then this FUCKING VALENTINES DAY TOMORROW reminds me that the last time I got roses and spent time on Val Day with someone I really cared about was 1984 and I feel miserable and cranky again….WTF?!?!

Breathe….or try to without pain. Eat some Lindt Dark chocolate. Center. Rest. Be calm and know that the universe will provide…….

Love and whitelight xxx





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