It’s Sunday morning. A dear friend woke me from my strange dream and sleep in with a phone call and whilst I love her to death and she knows I am there for her no matter what, this morning my mind was not ready for the first world problems I heard. But they are hers and they are very valid to her, and as a friend I understand that. So I listened and responded as she asked my apparently valuable opinion. Bless her, she trusts my judgement!
The last few days I have felt a bit blah again. Friday night after a long week at work (don’t get me wrong I am so grateful to have work and be back in the real world again!) I met up with another dear friend who flew in from Sydney for the weekend and we toasted each other and the weekend off with 2 bottles of very good expensive champagne at a rooftop city bar full of PYT’s (pretty young things) and young cockerels all parrying and thrusting. It was interesting to watch although I was fairly engrossed in conversation with my friend. We always have a great time together. I sometimes feel like I no longer fit in in some of these venues. Where are the people in my age range? They are there I guess but not as many as the young things.
I wonder if it is just that I am single at this age (50 this year in May) and should be embracing this wonderful freedom I have to do what I want when I want (aside from what is going on with my son of course) and then I realise that most of my friends are scattered far and wide and the ones here in Perth, alot of them are partnered or married and here I am still wondering when the ‘right one’ will make his entrance. I am so ready for it. There was a time it did not bother me at all until I met “the yank” and even though that was a complete and painful debacle it brought me to place I hadn’t quite been before. Ready for a REAL commitment. Sadly I know I wasn’t there when I walked down the aisle with my ex husband many years ago. A few of my friends said they knew it, but I being hormonal and pregnant at the time could not see the forest for the trees.
I called off the ‘friendship’ with benefits with “the good one” Monday morning in a completely honest text. I question my timing on it because I had to really push myself through the day at work and hold back the lump in my throat and the profound disappointment I felt at losing not only access to an awesome penis when needs be but what was becoming a pretty good and caring friendship. He really did make the effort to listen and we really did enjoy each others company. But that was the problem. It made me want more, and he just wasn’t in the same place. We had discussed it before and I thought that I could do it but I found after thinking long and hard about it over that weekend after our last time together, I just could not without it tearing my soul apart.
He was sad about the loss too but accepted it, apologised and said he knew what I was feeling because he had been there a little while ago and it was difficult and he knew I didn’t need anymore pain. I told him it wasn’t his fault, it just was what it was.
But I have to say, it kept coming back to me during the week the sadness, the memories, the loss and it was hard it was almost palpable. Thank goodness my work was so flat out that I did not really have time to think about it during work hours. And I am determined to kick some goals on the work front now, its my time so I buried that feeling until after hours.
Today, and at times this weekend, I have thought about the yank and that whole crazy mess that put me into another depression yet also forced me to deal with so many things I needed to from childhood on. Things that were buried deep. It also forced me to really accept what was going on with my son (when I say accept, it is not really acceptance, you never really accept that your child is going to die but you learn how to deal with it, kinda..) I was determined this time and am still thankful I did the work and felt the raw pain. Cause no matter how slightly off I feel right now I know it will never be a ‘depression’ again because of that dealing. Sadness and disappointment is a natural part of life, the Yang to the Yin or vice versa and everyone has it, in different measures. But sometimes, maybe selfishly I wish for a reprieve. For things to just go right for a reasonable length of time and to not have to worry and feel sad.
Yesterday I sat and thought “is that all there is?” and I wondered why I couldn’t feel satisfied with my life right now. I guess I am just acquiescing to what I feel are my problems, just like my friend did this morning. She did ask me after her rant, which really wasn’t a rant if there was anything she could do for me, if I needed to talk. But I said thanks anyway. I know I will get over this…feeling. To feel is human, it means you are alive. And for that I should be grateful.
Love and whitelight xx