As I woke this morning that old familiar feeling “oh god, am I there again” was back. What am I referring to? That horrible thing called the ‘friend zone’. That thing you are relegated to if you are stupid enough to accept it because you really like someone and if you choose to accept becomes a ‘damned if I do’ situation that can be a hell of your own making.
I have been in regular contact with ‘the good one’. We speak very frequently now on the phone, in fact he has been a bit of a solace because right now even though other things in my life are going well my son has deteriorated again this time more rapidly and I have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach constantly that this disease may take him much sooner. He talks me through even though most times I don’t want to talk about it, but he tells me I need to have a cry sometimes and let it out by talking to someone. He often says “I don’t know how you do it” and to always know that he is there to talk to whenever I need him. And so far he really has meant it. To my surprise. And generally it is him that will message ‘hey, how are you?” etc.
My other son is currently here with me, he came over yesterday to stay the weekend and for us to spend our time together away from the pain and worry about his brother. Just us time..release.
But the night before (Friday night) the “good one” and I spent the evening and night together which is also reasonably regular taking into account our jobs, our kids and other life factors. As a reminder, this was the the guy I referred to in my post “the gentle breakup…back on the horse etc” in October. Yes, we have managed to stay in the “friend zone” which is what he initiated and when he did originally I did not know if I could do it because I had already developed feelings and was feeling quite gun shy from that idiot self serving narcissistic yank whom I never think about these days.
We talk about anything and everything, we share intimacy and intimate things and we consider each other for the most part. We enjoy our connection.
But the other night as we were having a great time a few drinks and making out to music, we had a moment where we were talking quite openly where I mentioned this woman he had openly told me he liked, not long after the gentle breakup, he has known her for longer than I and wanted a relationship with her but she has been keeping him at arms length for a year and I know darned well that as a natural instinct we all but particulary men love a challenge; what we can’t have. Over time a fair number of weeks back he told me he had stopped calling her and had realised he was where I was trying not to head with him and gave up on her.
I’m not silly, whether he chooses to admit it or not I know I was his fallback in a sense because around that same time he started to contact me more regularly and we started seeing each other again and it has remained that way. He told me the other night she called him and asked to see him so he went to see her where she was working in a shop and said that he thought it was pretty much not worth pursuing, he had finally got over it. So I revealed that over the last months I had been dating other men because we had no commitment and he asked if I had slept with them and I say yes. His reaction was slightly annoyed and indignant “I thought I was the only one” and I said “no, we weren’t committed and I told you I was dating others just as you were” “Yes but…” and I just said “well, I am not dating anyone else now I am sick of all the wank and bullshit from you men and I don’t need that crap in my life with what is going on” he seemed satisfied with that but then proceeded to kiss me senseless and make love to me. Sheesh. I still to this day can not believe the double standard and I won’t tolerate it. If we are not committed, I am free to date if I want..which I don’t want to at the moment its too exhausting!
And then the oddest thing was the next morning we were cuddling and talking and he deliberately asked me more about what was happening with my son and more about the disease and I bloody well started to cry and he just held me, soothed me and gave me what felt like love and support. I was confounded.
So what to do? I wake up this morning and he is in my head. My instinct says do not fall for him again. Enjoy what you have but don’t fall for him because you were not his first choice then and you probably are not now. And I also think if this looks like it is going go too far I need to get out before that happens but I will lose what I do have with him.
My instinct also tells me to leave it as it is, he initiating contact but me getting on with other things and not being so available. But am I wrong remaining in the “friend zone” well the “Friends with benefits zone” and is there ever a chance it may turn into something more and should I care if it does or doesn’t? I know I want a real relationship that gives me all that I deserve and not be second choice.
I am so glad my work has me flat out and long hours during the week. It is so full on I no longer have the time to think about this rubbish or the pain of my sons illness. And I am much closer to moving into my own place again and being closer to my sons, being able to do things without having to worry about money to do it with like paying bills.
I guess in essence I should just “go with the flow” and see where this takes me. Today I am going to enjoy my sons company again and go to the gym and try not to think about this friend zone rubbish. Get my strength back. The strength I’ve been working hard to get…
Love and whitelight xxx