Can you recover from the ‘Friend zone’?!

As I woke this morning that old familiar feeling “oh god, am I there again” was back. What am I referring to? That horrible thing called the ‘friend zone’. That thing you are relegated to if you are stupid enough to accept it because you really like someone and if you choose to accept becomes a ‘damned if I do’ situation that can be a hell of your own making.

I have been in regular contact with ‘the good one’. We speak very frequently now on the phone, in fact he has been a bit of a solace because right now even though other things in my life are going well my son has deteriorated again this time more rapidly and I have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach constantly that this disease may take him much sooner. He talks me through even though most times I don’t want to talk about it, but he tells me I need to have a cry sometimes and let it out by talking to someone. He often says “I don’t know how you do it” and to always know that he is there to talk to whenever I need him. And so far he really has meant it. To my surprise. And generally it is him that will message ‘hey, how are you?” etc.

My other son is currently here with me, he came over yesterday to stay the weekend and for us to spend our time together away from the pain and worry about his brother. Just us time..release.

But the night before (Friday night) the “good one” and I spent the  evening and night together which is also reasonably regular taking into account our jobs, our kids and other life factors. As a reminder, this was the the guy I referred to in my post “the gentle breakup…back on the horse etc” in October. Yes, we have managed to stay in the “friend zone” which is what he initiated and when he did originally I did not know if I could do it because I had already developed feelings and was feeling quite gun shy from that idiot self serving narcissistic yank whom I never think about these days.

We talk about anything and everything, we share intimacy and intimate things and we consider each other for the most part. We enjoy our connection.

But the other night as we were having a great time a few drinks and making out to music, we had a moment where we were talking quite openly where I mentioned this woman he had openly told me he liked, not long after the gentle breakup, he has known her for longer than I and wanted a relationship with her but she has been keeping him at arms length for a year and I know darned well that as a natural instinct we all but particulary men love a challenge; what we can’t have. Over time a fair number of weeks back he told me he had stopped calling her and had realised he was where I was trying not to head with him and gave up on her.

I’m not silly, whether he chooses to admit it or not I know I was his fallback in a sense because around that same time he started to contact me more regularly and we started seeing each other again and it has remained that way. He told me the other night she called him and asked to see him so he went to see her where she was working in a shop and said that he thought it was pretty much not worth pursuing, he had finally got  over it. So I revealed that over the last months I had been dating other men because we had no commitment and he asked if I had slept with them and I say yes. His reaction was slightly annoyed and indignant “I thought I was the only one” and I said “no, we weren’t committed and I told you I was dating others just as you were” “Yes but…” and I just  said “well, I am not dating anyone else now I am sick of all the wank and bullshit from you men and I don’t need that crap in my life with what is going on” he seemed satisfied with that but then proceeded to kiss me senseless and make love to me. Sheesh. I still to this day can not believe the double standard and I won’t tolerate it. If we are not committed, I am free to date if I want..which I don’t want to at the moment its too exhausting!

And then the oddest thing was the next morning we were cuddling and talking and he deliberately asked me more about what was happening with my son and more about the disease and I bloody well started to cry and he just held me, soothed me and gave me what felt like love and support. I was confounded.

So what to do? I wake up this morning and he is in my head. My instinct says do not fall for him again. Enjoy what you have but don’t fall for him because you were not his first choice then and you probably are not now. And I also think if this looks  like it is going go too far I need to get out before that happens but I will lose what I do have with him.

My instinct also tells me to leave it as it is, he initiating contact but me getting on with other things and not being so available. But am I wrong remaining in the “friend zone” well the “Friends with benefits zone” and is there ever a chance it may turn into something more and should I care if it does or doesn’t? I know I want a real relationship that gives me all that I deserve and not be second choice.

I am so glad my work has me flat out and long hours during the week. It is so full on I no longer have the time to think about this rubbish or the pain of my sons illness. And I am much closer to moving into my own place again and being closer to my sons, being able to do things without having to worry about money to do it with like paying bills.

I guess in essence I should just “go with the flow” and see where this takes me. Today I am going to enjoy my sons company again and go to the gym and try not to think about this friend zone rubbish. Get my strength back. The strength I’ve been working hard to get…

Love and whitelight xxx

 

Two weeks on…do not rely on recruiters!

Its been almost 2 weeks since my last post and things have changed quite quickly in that time. I have just finished my first week back in full time permanent employment…yippeee! And by goodness it feels so good even though I am quite tired mentally, but that is normal when you go back to work for the first time in a while.

There is absolutely no way I can write my blog during the week now, well at present, because I am up at 5am and on the bus by 5.30am, at work by 7am; yes it takes an hour and a half commute to work  (2 buses and a train ride and same back), that is how sprawled Perth is, I have a damned solid day at work (lets say usually I won’t get home til between 7.30pm and 8.30pm depending on if I go to the gym also for an hour after work, which I am keeping up because as I have said all along it is my natural antidepressant after 17 years on the pill kind….and now it has been 18 months since I came off them..and it also gives me physical stamina) which even though I have only just started the work is fast and thick, but I love it that way and these days I am physically and mentally up for the challenge! I worked hard to get to this place I did alot of work on myself over a very challenging time. I am pretty chuffed with myself, finally!. LOL.

I have to say that I got the job myself, not via a Recruitment agency..of which I am registered with at least 10 of them here in Perth. As a general rule they are OK, but, they have vested interest. It’s called KPI’s. And if they think you are not a sure thing for their numbers you won’t even get a look in even if you have a storage of experience but had to take some time out for personal and family issues. They are biased and flawed.

I think I mentioned recently in my last post that I was at yet another recruiter going through their standard bullshit, same rote line of questioning and these 20 something know it all’s told me I would have issues finding full-time perm employ because of my time out and that they thought it best to look at temp work to ‘get your foot in the door’; honey, the only interviews I got and went to over these last weeks ( 5 in total in a bad employment market) ie getting my foot in the door was not by your efforts, I went straight to the horse and the horse saw enough potential in me to want to interview me! No thanks to you.

So I called this last recruiter up, who gave me the attitude; oh yes there was more negative feedback and sage advice (not) at that recruiters interview, and I let them know I had secured a job and was no longer available…out of courtesy. “Oh, really, that’s good news; who is it with and who placed you?” thinking it was the competition that did and I just said ‘thank you for your time’, she said ‘please keep in touch, and let us know if you need any further help in the future’ WTF??!!…not bloody likely…and I am not giving you a contact for the business, you can get off your naive robotic arse and work for it!! March to those KPI’s hup ..2..3……LOL.

I am probably sounding a tad resentful, and believe me that is not my usual modus operandi these days but if you could’ve been a fly on the wall in that Recruiters interview with these 2 girls you would understand why I felt as I did. It was a long arduous road, and they weren’t the only ones who wasted my time. But it is over now. Relief. And grateful.

So the sky is blue, finally. There is still the issue of my son’s health but I can not do anything for him at this stage, except love him as much as I do. And I have to earn an income to survive and also get my life back on track. It will enable me to soon move closer to the city and closer to my sons so I can spend more time with them and that is my ultimate goal.

I realise now the rest of the shamozzle will sort itself, and it ain’t that important anyway!

On New Years I hadn’t made any resolutions, but I did have goals. I realised I had to prioritize and compartmentalise things and ultimately not only have faith that the universe would provide but also have faith in myself.

Life and many things can push you to the limit, but ultimately if you believe you will get through it, you will.

Another lot of lessons learned!  Love and whitelight xxx

 

Walk of the EGO…miss you Ziggy..it ain’t pretty

So, I would normally fall into bed at this point of the night. I have imbibed alot (still am against my principles but my off switch tonight seems faulty but at least I am aware of it and as advised by my ‘good one’!! Long story…), alot more than intended and that should occur on a Tuesday night. BUT, I am unemployed..still, and slightly troubled and my brain is in free-fall over a number of things. As my regular readers would know.

It has been a craggy day on many levels. Being questioned by some 20 something year old recruiters who knew the secret to all the world problems and how to cure cancer (do I have an attitude? No, not moi!!). hang fire, love this, love Edith Piaf;

..on my way back on the train I met an old school friend who I had an affair with long ago even though I knew he was married and it was highly AGAINST my principles and therefore very awkward because I think he still wants more…and I WOULD NOT now again, ever ( perhaps Joe was my Karmic retribution on a massive scale?), and then when I visited my so-called new friend, who wanted to become a Facebook friend immediately, against my instincts…WTF? And then ,tonight as I visited him as he had asked me to previously issued a ‘ahh, I have a ‘friend with me right now” Oh hello, so what? I don’t want to shag you  daggy fucker even though we did once with your tiny penis, we were supposedly friends? As you requested. Head fuck or you tried to and HELLO it doesn’t work! HA!

Why do we have to immediately ‘friend’ people on Facebook?  For numbers and self satisfaction? Is it an EGO walk, hell I have 500 FB friends ain’t I the bomb…ahh sorry..DA BOMB!!  Shouldn’t  we take time to get to know each other, somewhat?

Is a fleeting experience enough?  After Joe and I, I am so anti and on guard.

A surprising upside.(.see I told you! I see upsides!)..was that as I was crying my arse off waiting the hour for the next bus from one place (in Perth our bus system is highly useless as well as other essential services so even though the city is pretty DO NOT MOVE HERE IT IS HELL) and then another hour for the next (I was prepared however with a 4 pack of rum and coconut milk), and in that time my ‘good one’ that I had denounced (the other one, Italian, cute but averse to conflict yada), had redeemed himself by talking to me almost the entire time in  caring, somewhat ‘loving’ ….dare I say it..tone…quelle surprise..and it was lovely, even though I realise the yank has made me very cynical and suspicious about most men…well it just shocked the hell out of me but I am grateful..and he actually said tonight that he knew what we had and he was grateful that we met….say what?

Anyway, speaking of what, yesterday one of my most favorite artists passed DAVID BOWIE, Ziggy Stardust, Alladin sane etc.. I guess I am still slightly freaked out by that.

I listened to his music; particularly the album ‘Diamond Dogs’

well, tape actually repeatedly as I tried to switch off from the bullshit background of my alcoholic abusive father and idiotic shrill narcissistic mother fought endlessly, relentlessly.

He was a go to…his music is timeless and will always be a part of me…RIP Mr Bowie..with love and light, always xxx

I guess I should go to bed…its late now and I am completely shamozzled…

Love and whitelight xx

 

 

Trying to stay upright in a tsunami of crap

It is rare these days that I feel as I am right now. But yesterday there was one more thing told to me that made me accept the reality of what is happening with my boy and I caved. And I used the bottle to self anaesthetise and I sobbed like a child who had something precious taken away from her.

And that is rare these days because after so long I had finally found a kind of inner peace. But yesterday that seemed tenuous.

I don’t like to write or talk about this fucking disease that has my eldest son firmly in its grip. If I don’t talk about it it doesn’t exist. I had to talk about it yesterday as it was one of the rare times that my ex husband and I speak now and it was firstly me pointing out to him something I had found about new groundbreaking research about a thing called ‘gene silencing’. I am always alert and reading trying to find some magical cure. But as I thought, my ex husband was already aware of it and told me it wasn’t going to work for our son, but there may be something else; he mentioned this DNA repair mechanism thing which  was long winded and ridiculously titled and although I try to never entertain finality, for a window of time yesterday I did.

And I had never felt so alone and so out of control of things. There was nothing I could do to stop this and it was the worst feeling in the world.

I know that all around shit is happening to others, that I am not the only one. We had bad fires in this state over the last few days and people have lost their homes and livelihoods and that is horrendous. There are people displaced from their countries trying to find a place to call home and being turned away. There are any number of things happening.

But my reality is all I can or can’t handle right now, it may sound selfish but it is true.

I don’t know what to do and I am trying hard to stay upright and it ain’t easy AT ALL. Aside from my financial, job and living stresses and other crap (which is actually nothing compared to my boys’ illness), my ex told me that my son is now losing his voice which indicates that currently the deterioration is currently in his throat and it may close up and he will choke to death and that has always been my worst fear. This hideous thing has made it hard for him to talk, chew and swallow food. His limbs are starting to cripple from dystonia and it has become painful for him so they have him dosed up on heavy duty pain killers. This insidious fucking thing is slowly taking away his ability to live and I can’t do a fucking thing about it. At times I feel I am dying inside from this torturous knot I can not undo.

I rang my youngest son yesterday to make sure he was OK because he is living with it first hand (he lives with his father now and so does his brother. His father is very good provider, he can afford things I just can’t, and very dedicated to our boys and for that I am so grateful). I told him how proud I am of him and how he holds himself in these trying times, that he was on the front line and he said to me ‘I’m not on the front line mum, Jordy is’.  He was so right and he is amazing. The positive out of all this is that I have been blessed with 2 of the most amazing human beings that ever existed…my beautiful sons…my angels.

As I wrote the above in partial tears and with a large lump in my throat a wonderful feeling came over me. The realisation that I can now also see the beautiful side of things. After many months of working through my fucked up mind and working hard to gain some semblance of strength and resilience it just occurred to me that I now automatically see the upside of the situation.

That for whatever time I have been and am blessed to have these beautiful humans in my life I am profoundly lucky and very grateful. They have always been my anchor to this earth and I need to firmly anchor now, in this time…for both of them. Snap out of my self pity and just get on with it.

And I will.

I knew that writing this out like this would help pull me out of it, what I have been feeling….fuck the tsunami of crap…it won’t take me down without a fight..not this time…

Love and whitelight xx

In the spirit of ‘go with the flow’

Its been over a week since my last post (Boy, that almost sounds like a confessional doesn’t it…forgive me father for I have sinned its been so long since my last confession).

I have been laying here awake since some ungodly hour…it is now 0423 am, ruminating, something I do far less these days but I guess we all have times like this when we wake and just can’t get back to sleep and then  thoughts raid our minds.

So I got up and made a hot cocoa and decided to write. Ahhh my dear blog I’ve missed you old friend…

Not alot has been happening since the big hoohaa of New Years. But then again did I really expect it would? It’s been 6 days! I haven’t won lotto, haven’t had a marriage proposal…oh now I am waffling..

You see, I kind of broke my cardinal rule. Do not Facebook friend any men I have ‘dated’ because they will see my blog posts as I post through my page (and then reset the privacy feature) and may out of curiosity actually click through and read it. And this has been my private (semi) pleasure and release, most of my readers are overseas (I know this because of the wonderful stats wordpress shows you). They may just see how really damned kooky I am!

But then I said to myself ‘this is you, this is what you do, it is your life and you don’t need to feel censored by other peoples opinions’ as many of us including me have felt and therefore live an inauthentic life. Just go with the flow, do what you want and just relax. Be yourself.

I just started to write about…him (the yank)..and his expectations of me and then I realised that up until this point and even after my random ‘fuck you…wasted too much of my energy on you …OVER’ text in a drunken stupor on New Years eve I rarely think about him or bring him up in conversation anymore, although I did on the weekend because I was discussing the story with a lovely man I’ve met. And I had decided to really step away from ‘the good one’ because I feel he was only ‘good’ to serve his own purpose and was highly averse to confrontation hence the ‘goodness’ ie it was all part of his modus operandi.

I had a lovely weekend. We walked the beach, drank copious amounts of whiskey, talked and laughed and he invited me to stay over and I did. We watched back to back shows off netflix etc  all the next day and couch potatoed and all up it was just lovely and peaceful and he was very good company.

So easy to be with and talk to.

And the funny thing that happened was that he did not want to sleep with me our first night (I say funny because for me I remember going through a ‘this does not compute’ moment). Now I know this is the ‘rule’ that many espouse but I happen to enjoy…the act..immensely… and if I feel like it I just do it. Why not? I am single, free, and at what I consider my prime and dammit if men can why can’t us women? Or those of us that don’t have a problem with it and actually enjoy sex and haven’t got our sphincters tightly clenched “oh, how ghastly, how ho-ish, you have to play hard to get, make them work for it” …Honey, I don’t play games, games are for children.

I know I am not the only one (That doesn’t make it right, and I don’t think it makes it wrong either…it is personal and subjective), but many will not admit to it let alone put it in a public blog! And he had said to me ‘I have never done that in my life, slept with someone I just met’ and ironically I was thinking ‘what the? How old fashioned’ but I guess this goes back to what is ‘socially’ and morally acceptable and the rules and expectations that have been imposed on us, some of which is necessary for absence of chaos! And then your own personal moral compass.

All I know is, I have had enough of regret and choose to live my life as I want to without judging myself and trying not to judge others also. To just ‘go with the flow’.

So it seems he and I will become good friends, well at this point it does. We seem to connect on a different level and it is nice and easy and honest.

Why not enjoy our experiences with people as they flow into and out of our lives often for very good reasons and lessons. Some for life, some for just a fleeting moment. Isn’t that what life is all about?

Love and whitelight xx