I know I am certifiable at times! I even make myself laugh.
I am writing this in a slight haze after a night out which I hadn’t intended to be a night out, especially not on a Monday but sometimes the best times out can be off the cuff.
I had yet another job interview yesterday in what we call the port city (Fremantle) here in Perth because it is where the ships come in. It is a harbour. I hadn’t been there for a long time and I had particularly been avoiding it because I still for some damned reason relate it to the place Joe (the Narc yank) and I spent some time together before his ship went out (the USS Constellation) and we weren’t to see each other again for some 30 odd years.
But it was ok. The feeling I was trying to avoid only hit for a few minutes and then I was swept away by the beautiful view of the ocean and all the massive ships lined up to come in or go out and the fantastic atmosphere around all the shops, restaurants and cafes. It has changed quite a bit and yesterday was a beautiful hot summer’s day and the place was bustling.
I had a lovely lunch near the water to kill time before my interview and then walked to the the massive office on the water, it is a large marine/offshore company. Good interview although I sense I may not get it. Not being negative, sometimes you just know.
I had texted a message to the man I have kinda been seeing, the ‘good one’, we had caught up again on the weekend and spent time together Friday night /Saturday. It was fun and lovely as usual. But something inside wasn’t feeling right as I ventured home Saturday. That feeling you get when you know you could be but shouldn’t be falling for someone yet know that they are not in the same place and he had a number of months ago let me go honestly after I said please tell me if this isn’t it. It is why we remained friends and it had been working well until now. But you can’t stop yourself from feeling things in the heart, it doesn’t work that way no matter how hard you try.
He messaged me back but the tone was fairly perfunctory even with the smiley face and 2 kisses!
So I decided whilst I was all the way down in the Port city and the day was beautiful I would find a nice place to have a glass of wine and enjoy the rest of the afternoon, lift the spirit a bit!
And I did. I met a man at the bar and we immediately hit it off and sat chatting for hours. He was Scottish with a marvelous thick accent and absolutely funny yet also spoke about things we seemed to have very similar views about. I told him about both the yank and the current one and he imparted some male words of wisdom (!) which I really did appreciate because what he said I knew to be true. I hadn’t been working on myself all this time this year after everything that has gone on only to set myself up for another heartbreak, so on the way home I messaged the ‘good one’ and told him I didn’t think I could do this ‘friends thing’ anymore, it was too difficult. He was surprised but told me he understood because he had ‘been there’ before. He asked if we could talk about it tomorrow, I guess he knew I was a tad tiddly, but my response was that there really wasn’t anything more to talk about. He had told me how he felt long ago. So that was that.
So today with hand on forehead, looking out and up into the sunny day, well it is actually going to be very hot today 39 degrees Celsius, I am back to being just me. And I am actually OK with that. And I am quite proud of myself for putting me first for a change, respecting myself and making a good decision about protecting myself, my heart, that has been long trampled and beaten because I always loved the wrong person.
Lesson learned. Finally!
I guess I just had to write about it today. This blog has been my cathartic friend. Over good and troubled times.
But at this point I envisage more good. The universe has guided me again and I am grateful.
Love and whitelight xx