I’ve spent a lifetime trying to psychoanalyse myself, work out what the hell I’m all about and why as a general rule I don’t seem to ‘fit’ anywhere. Even this morning I woke and thought ‘ok, another day, groundhog day’….the mind is good finally, pretty much, the body is fit (I still regularly exercise)…it is a weekend and even though I miss certain people and feel I would like to ‘catch up’ another part of me knows that if I go OUT THERE at this point and how I feel at present I will become drained by the energy of many and feel extremely tired by the superficial and forced social interaction.
Recently, as a part of my self exploratory journey; coming out of what is hopefully my final depression sans meds after many years, recovering from a painful love and just general midlife crisis..or ‘crossroads’ I realised that sometimes when I feel alone, at the same time it is that way because I created it that way. When I do venture out and spend time with people I have fun, I enjoy the connection but then I crave solitude after that. Time to recharge
I was reading something about Audrey Hepburn the other day (she is one of my favorite actresses and was a very compassionate and ultra amazing person whom I admire greatly) and had never realised she felt the same way until I read this;
“I’m an introvert… I love being by myself, love being outdoors, love taking a long walk with my dogs and looking at the trees, flowers, the sky.”
“I don’t want to be alone, I want to be left alone.”
“I have to be alone very often. I’d be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That’s how I refuel.”
This used to frighten me. I used to think my god I m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I will die a crazy cat person and no one will know for months or the cats will feast upon my rotting corpse and they will have to do a DNA test on my bones (macabre I know but reminiscent of the crisis Miranda was having when she choked on some food and had to Heimlich herself (!) and worried that being single and living alone in her new Manhattan apartment and thought exactly the same thing about her cat and kept overfeeding it for days! – great expisode -Sex and the City).
I thought I was extrovert. I am actually an introvert. Surprisingly many actors and famous people are, think Johnny Depp, Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford, Barbara Streisand, Bill Gates, Lorde, Jewel, Amy Adams, Tom Ford, Alanis Morrisette, JK Rowling the list is endless…
I remember in my late teens and early twenties I would go out partying with a group of my girlfriends and all of a sudden I just had to leave; often they would say ‘where is Roz? Oh, she’s taken off again’ and they would know more than likely I was on my way home because I would hit a point where the interaction and the energy en masse was too draining and I needed to just be alone…with my thoughts..my create time.
I’ve come to realise now that if I had just understood and embraced it rather than ‘labeling’ it in some derogatory way like ‘unsociable, unfriendly, incapable of cultivating friendships’ worrying that I was some freak of nature and why couldn’t I just be like the others and hang out in ‘packs or tribes’ and be comfortable with it then maybe I would have used that time more productively…like writing songs (I was in a band and did want to make music my career but never really followed through) or creating in some other way. But like everything that is ironic about life I find that sometimes by the time you realise your blessings and gifts it is too late to do something about it. Although, it ain’t over til the fat lady sings as they say!
I guess the lesson learned is to be comfortable in your own skin. Don’t try to change for anyone else or be someone that you are not. Don’t try to label everything or self criticize using others as the rule.
It is not important to run with the herd. There are many animals that run solo and thrive…
“Quiet people have the loudest minds” – Stephen Hawking