Expectations…

This time of the year I wish I was living in America or Europe, where they really get into the spirit of the holiday season. Where each day prior to Christmas is counted down with excitement and people seem generally uplifted irrespective of the craziness going on around us. Here, not quite the same. Sometimes I feel the Aussie spirit has waned and I guess it is a different look here at Christmas because we are usually walking around with shorts and bathers on because it is summer and somehow all the depictions of Santa and his reindeer in snow scenes seems a tad odd.

We are almost at the end of the year. 13 days til Christmas eve, 20 til New years eve and by god I can’t wait until it is all over. The last few years I have said “good riddance” to the year that has been and predicted how wonderful and different the coming year would be and I have been wrong each time (with the exception that my beautiful son is still with us and that is truly a blessing). Negative? Perhaps a little but true, sadly.

This time of the year alot of us have expectations.

I just wrote a whole paragraph of words here and when I read it back I realised that I was being ungrateful and bellyaching so I deleted it and started again.

Reality is that it has been another tough year. One of painful lows and few highs yet after everything the most amazing thing has happened.  I started to feel a sense of pride in myself and I have never been proud of me. I have berated myself endlessly more often than not for things that others have done to me..although I allowed it…or that was my way of thinking. I accepted what happened and always took the blame for it and internalised it to such an extent that it was I who did more damage than the damage itself.

Not anymore.

Habits of a lifetime are hard to break but, it can be done. And I have gone a long way towards breaking bad habits in thinking this year and although it sounds trite, when you have spent years as a prisoner of your mind to sever those chains is incredibly freeing.

I will never forget the magnificent ‘high’ I felt as the plane started it’s descent into Phoenix and I knew I was only moments away from seeing the man that had made my heart beat so hard..more than anyone, ever. We hadn’t seen each other for 30 or so years and then had been talking again for the good part of a year prior to me leaving.  The words and conversations leading up to it all and then the feeling of shock and heartbreak that this person was nothing like the expectation he, and even I had created. Alot can change in 30 years.

Ahhh, ‘expectation’; a strong belief that something will happen or be the case. A dangerous state of being because expectation is a high that only leads in one direction most times….a devastating low or disappointment in the least. When people say ‘it exceeded my expectations’ surely the starting point was much lower than it should have been? Is there any use in expectation?

So at the end of this year, instead of creating the expectation of a fantastic year to come I am going to give it up to the universe. In complete faith that what needs to happen will.

I can feel faith and hopeful about the future but I have no way of predicting nor should I waste my time trying. As Doris Day (gosh I loved her songs and movies as a kid, especially Calamity Jane) would say “Que sera, whatever will be will be”.

Now it is one day at a time, doing my best, loving, caring, smiling as much as I can, not looking forward necessarily and rarely looking back, just looking  up! (As opposed to hanging my head down). Accepting the sad times and rolling with it.  Working toward a sense of inner peace I have never known; no, scratch that…..When I hold my sons in my arms..even now great hulking things they are, that is when I DO feel inner peace.

I want more of that. In a world of selfies and selfishness, noise and chaos, it is a hard thing to find. But not impossible, and worth seeking.

So instead of starting the day worrying about finding work, my son’s illness, how am I going to afford the bills coming before Christmas with no income to pay for it, this, that and all the rest of the merde! I will finish this post with some quotes I like. Don’t worry, I am sure (damn sure!:)) I will have more hi-jinx and interesting posts to come (I have been told by some followers that they love my blog and look forward to new posts…for which I am very grateful x), but for today…

“Never say that you can’t do something, or that something seems impossible, or that something can’t be done, no matter how discouraging or harrowing it may be; human beings are limited only by what we allow ourselves to be limited by: our own minds. We are each the masters of our own reality; when we become self-aware to this: absolutely anything in the world is possible.

Master yourself, and become king of the world around you. Let no odds, chastisement, exile, doubt, fear, or ANY mental virii prevent you from accomplishing your dreams. Never be a victim of life; be it’s conqueror.”- Mike Norton (Author and US Military Veteran)

“A good half of the art of living is resilience.” Alain De Botton

-OSCAR WILDE

Love and whitelight xxx

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