So much for lessons learned! Oh irony..

Some days you just want to go back to bed, pull the covers up around you and sink into blissful non intruded sleep. No worries or concerns, no thoughts or fears, no realities, just blissful nothingness. I guess as I have heard many say more recently ‘first world problems!’ because the fact of the matter is I have a bed, a roof over my head even if tenuous, I have food to eat pretty much most things Maslow speaks about in his hierarchy of needs.

But the funny thing is things can change drastically at the drop of a hat, just look at Paris recently or San Bernadino. It really makes you think how life these days has become..oh god..what is the word? My brain is a tad numb from a bottle of wine yesterday..

I still have days when I feel a bit lost..what next…and when I do I give myself a day or so to just feel it and try rewire my thinking, bring myself back to the present and say to myself ‘just take one day at a time girl, it is all you can do’…eventually I liven up again. Mindset. After years of medicated thoughts I am now in control (hate that word in some ways) and have to pull myself up regularly until it all becomes natural (I will never allow the black dog in again, I will fight it).

So Friday, after another disappointing week on the job front..2 more no’s after running around to meetings and interviews I decided to take an afternoon and just time out. I had a nice meal, a play at the casino (I know, not a good place to go when you are on the bones of your arse but when everyone else is at work, no friends in sight, I’d exercised a number of days that week, cleaned, applied for a gazillion jobs, self educated a bit more..I just needed a timeout for a few hours). I won a few hundred dollars but had a few more drinks and put it all back again! And then I got a text from the beautiful man. The one that got away.

The one that at least was decent enough to tell me he wasn’t sure I was his forever girl and gave me time to kinda get over was a only a number of weeks dating so it wasn’t too hard and his kindness and honesty helped, what a pity he is a rare male these days, I really did want to keep him!! But it has to be a two way street!

Anyway, I called him after he tried to call me (I had messagebank on) after my return text saying Hi! It was so nice to hear his voice, he had been back from Italy for a couple of weeks and we had kept in touch while he was over there and then he messaged a couple times when he got back. He has his kids every second weekend and this was his weekend off so he said why don’t you come over? Which I did, we had dinner and drinks and ended up having a wonderful night together, yes, we did go there, several times…it kinda felt so familiar and yet more passionate than before. Just lovely…

I hadn’t been prepared for a sleepover so after spending the morning together I went home. On the way home I felt warm and wonderful and I took it for what it was and just appreciated our time together. We said we would talk again soon. (Which often isn’t the case when people say that but with us it usually rings true).

Then yesterday on my way to the gym a song by a band we mutually love (we love alot of the same music, and loud!) came on my ipod so I messaged him..he came back with a yeh love that. We text a bit he told me he had gone out the night before, his sister’s husband is a promoter and he helped her on the door of the gig, but of course, me being a bit of a ‘woman’ at times started to think ‘well why didn’t he ask me to go with him?’…..OHHHH GGGEEEZZZZ..then I allowed my outer child to run amok for a little while; pouting and making up scenarios in my head and realised I really did still like this guy…arrgghh

Then I heard the Yank in my head for the first time in a little while “You are 50 man, you should be together by now” (I am not 50 yet I am 49 til May 2016 but I guess it made him feel better as he was about to hit 60!!:P) and “Man you think too much” and other wonderful encouraging words of wisdom he imparted (not)…I realised that even though I have worked hard on myself and tried to change habits of a lifetime I am still a very flawed person when it comes to love and relationships…it takes effort to get my mind back on the right path, but at least I recognise it now..

So I snapped myself out of it yesterday afternoon after gym, had a glass or two of wine put some great music on and said ‘if you love someone, set them free etc ‘ yada, you know the saying…funnily enough we did end up talking again in the afternoon it was fun and funny and I get the feeling we will remain good friends, maybe more, I guess time will tell. But it is funny when you change your way of thinking and actually relax and stop thinking too much what happens….

I guess the yank was kinda right! Ironic….love and whitelight xx




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