Are we there yet? A change of view…

I am counting down the days and minutes for this damned year to be over. It has been, to quote our regent “an annus horribilis”, well most of it anyway. I wonder was it just me or did this year seem just slightly more ghastly than usual?

Although I can say with all truthfulness and gratefulness that the lessons learned and the growth I have experienced this year has kind of counterbalanced that yukkyness of the year. And hand on heart I feel that I have emerged a better person for it and my outlook on the future not as bleak and negative irrespective of current challenges.

There are days still lately that I feel like things are just hanging in suspended animation and I am like a marionette hanging in the closet waiting for the puppet master to take me out onto stage of life and see how this plays out…..the clock ticking…ironically I can here the clock in the hallway ticking right now. It seems quite loud.

I am waiting on a response from my job interview last week, they said they would decide by today. I have applied for others what little there is at his moment in time and time of year. Waiting.

I had a long phone conversation 2 nights ago with “the good one”, yes, the one I let go of a week or so ago. He seemed at the time not to know what to say or do but appeared happy to receive my message of  “I bought ‘Evie’ parts 1,2 and 3 by Stevie Wright (an Aussie rock legend from the Easybeats and solo work who passed away boxing day sadly) and am playing it full blast and it made me think of you”, you see we both love the same music genres and era’s and when we spent time together it was often kissing and making love and jamming in the nude (with him playing guitar, music on and me singing sporadically) and it was always very enjoyable, easy and fun.

So after my message he called me and we spoke for hours. And that was nice. But once again I feel like I am…waiting…kinda…

And my sons and I had an awesome Christmas lunch and afternoon together, those days I treasure and hold dear to my heart. Memories to be cherished because his brother and I are trying to make use of the time we have left with my eldest son, this bloody disease….I will not say ‘waiting’ again because a part of me still refuses to believe we will lose him even though this year he has degenerated more than before and it is very painful to watch as a mother because you just want to take away his pain and burden and when you can’t….well it is …..beyond description how it feels….

I am about to go to the gym, the one constant that ironically the Yank Joe (narcissistic wanker) got me started on over a year ago and is now my savior from a health and psychological perspective. The effect of it for me has been far greater than all the years on anti-depressant meds which I now realise I never really needed long term and am damned sure will never again. That has been a positive from this year. The emergence from a psychological ‘coma’ of sorts, and the awareness that I had within me all that I needed to rise above the merde of years gone by let alone this year….not so horribilis:)

So this year has been a gift of sorts. I think when you start to see it from a different view and realise that the things that have hurt you or caused you pain have a hidden gift then you start to feel a well of strength you didn’t know existed. It isn’t easy to say ‘thank you for my pain’, but when you survive and move past it life seems that much sweeter somehow and promising…

That is how I choose to go into this New Year…with a different view….

Love and whitelight xx

Batter up…strike…lesson learned

I know I am certifiable at times! I even make myself laugh.

I am writing this in a slight haze after a night out which I hadn’t intended to be a night out, especially not on a Monday but sometimes the best times out can be off the cuff.

I had yet another job interview yesterday in what we call the port city (Fremantle) here in Perth because it is where the ships come in. It is a harbour. I hadn’t been there for a long time and I had particularly been avoiding it because I still for some damned reason relate it to the place Joe (the Narc yank) and I spent some time together before his ship went out (the USS Constellation) and we weren’t to see each other again for some 30 odd years.

But it was ok. The feeling I was trying to avoid only hit for a few minutes and then I was swept away by the beautiful view of the ocean and all the massive ships lined up to come in or go out and the fantastic atmosphere around all the shops, restaurants and cafes. It has changed quite a bit and yesterday was a beautiful hot summer’s day and the place was bustling.

I had a lovely lunch near the water to kill time before my interview and then walked to the the massive office on the water, it is a large marine/offshore company. Good interview although I sense I may not get it. Not being negative, sometimes you just know.

I had texted a message to the man I have kinda been seeing, the ‘good one’, we had caught up again on the weekend and spent time together Friday night /Saturday. It was fun and lovely as usual. But something inside wasn’t feeling right as I ventured home Saturday. That feeling you get when you know you could be but shouldn’t be falling for someone yet know that they are not in the same place and he had a number of months ago let me go honestly after I said please tell me if this isn’t it. It is why we remained friends and it had been working well until now. But you can’t stop yourself from feeling things in the heart, it doesn’t work that way no matter how hard you try.

He messaged me back but the tone was fairly perfunctory even with the smiley face and 2 kisses!

So I decided whilst I was all the way down in the Port city and the day was beautiful I would find a nice place to have a glass of wine and enjoy the rest of the afternoon, lift the spirit a bit!

And I did. I met a man at the bar and we immediately hit it off and sat chatting for hours. He was Scottish with a marvelous thick accent and absolutely funny yet also spoke about things we seemed to have very similar views about.  I told him about both the yank and the current one and he imparted some male words of wisdom (!) which I really did appreciate because what he said I knew to be true. I hadn’t been working on myself all this time this year after everything that has gone on only to set myself up for another heartbreak, so on the way home I messaged the ‘good one’ and told him I didn’t think I could do this ‘friends thing’ anymore, it was too difficult. He was surprised but told me he understood because he had ‘been there’ before. He asked if we could talk about it tomorrow, I guess he knew I was a tad tiddly, but my response was that there really wasn’t anything more to talk about. He had told me how he felt long ago. So that was that.

So today with hand on forehead, looking out and up into the sunny day, well it is actually going to be very hot today 39 degrees Celsius, I am back to being just me. And I am actually OK with that. And I am quite proud of myself for putting me first for a change, respecting myself and making a good decision about protecting myself, my heart, that has been long trampled and beaten because I always loved the wrong person.

Lesson learned. Finally!

I guess I just had to write about it today. This blog has been my cathartic friend. Over good and troubled times.

But at this point I envisage more good. The universe has guided me again and I am grateful.

Love and whitelight xx

 

Patience grasshopper! The universe will provide…

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope” – Martin Luther King Jnr

Things are challenging right now. Yesterday again I went to a last minute interview in response to a phone call late the evening before, for a very early am interview and I had been having a glass of wine that afternoon.  (Maybe several! through boredom and frustration and trying to stave off profound disappointment leading to sadness again NOT depression NEVER AGAIN but true sadness because things are YUK right now from a living point of view as well as personal, even though I have been trying my arse off to improve things…I know I am not the only one; we are now in record unemployment in this city, the one trick pony that is Perth, and I did commit professional suicide through my misguided and misdirected love for the yank and my subsequent depression/breakdown, but I am having to summon up strength and courage after the year that has been and it isn’t always easy, but as I keep saying lately after doing the work my mind is now pretty strong).

That was the song post day. So yesterday the interview went well but late yesterday again I was told they had gone with the other person (there were 3 of us apparently) and this seems to be happening alot. It is an employer’s market, extremely competitive and they have you running back and forth at the drop of a hat for no result, and that is difficult for me at present because I have no car anymore and it is a 1 &1/2 hour commute one way and then the same back…3 hours added to whatever you do, because I can not afford to move closer to the city right now and even if I could I am restricted to finding a place that is easily accessible for my eldest son with NBIA (degenerative disorder) (no stairs, preferably ground level or an elevator) when he visits.

But the one thing I am finding is that even though I am straddling the line between taking it personally and saying fuck it! I am able to bring my faith and hope back into it and stay firm in the belief that the right thing will come all of a sudden and with reason. Faith that the universe will provide. It is all about belief and not allowing the negative thoughts to get in and swirl round, well for too long if they happen to!

Why do I go on about this? Because it is an amazing thing to have been at the depths of despair over a prolonged period (and I am not just talking this last year) and at the point where you feel that leaving this life behind is the only option, and to come out of it all and that way of thinking and viewing life and know you may have sad and down times but you will never feel that level of despair and nothingness again. It is a gift in itself and those that have suffered psychologically will understand that.

So apart from the doom and gloom, I have had an interesting few days being back in touch with the ‘good one’ (we have caught up too). He has been there, when I needed to talk and it has been fun and flirty as well. Light, and lovely. So in the midst of it all something good is there to break the monotony.

I am not reading too much into it, it will be what it is meant to be. We’ve remained good friends which is what we said we would and for that I am grateful.

I just got another phone call about possible work to start next week short term, I guess we’ll see. HOPEFUL,

Love and whitelight xx

 

A song..that’s all for today…

I’m a princess cut from marble, smoother than a storm.
And the scars that mark my body, they’re silver and gold,
My blood is a flood of rubies, precious stones,
It keeps my veins hot, the fire’s found a home in me.
I move through town, I’m quiet like a fight,
And my necklace is of rope, I tie it and untie.

And now people talk to me, but nothing ever hits home
People talk to me, and all the voices just burn holes.
I’m done with it (ooh)

[Chorus:]
This is the start of how it all ends
They used to shout my name, now they whisper it
I’m speeding up and this is the red, orange, yellow flicker beat sparking up my heart
We’re at the start, the colours disappear
I never watch the stars, there’s so much down here
So I just try to keep up with the red, orange, yellow flicker beat sparking up my heart

I dream all year, but they’re not the sweet kinds
And the shivers move down my shoulder blades in double time

And now people talk to me, I’m slipping out of reach now
People talk to me, and all their faces blur
But I got my fingers laced together and I made a little prison
And I’m locking up everyone who ever laid a finger on me
I’m done with it (ooh)

[Chorus]

And this is the red, orange, yellow flicker beat sparking up my heart
And this is the red, orange, yellow flicker beat-beat-beat-beat

Vulnerable, real, raw…Peter Pan syndrome..

I am not quite right yet where he is concerned, I am no longer embarrassed to say it in public..some days still..but rarely now… I talk a good game but every now and then the mad-person comes out and I have to do certain things to get my mind back to where it should be. Perhaps it is that I have too much time on my hands, have lost confidence after so many ‘no’s’ with jobs.   And the men I have dated bar one have been a great disappointment I no longer can be bothered with them, particularly those closer to my age or in their 50’s; they all seem to have Peter Pan syndrome! (And they talk about us women at menopause age?!!)

And other things in my life seem so totally out of my control that it saps my strength…for a window in time. I have no sounding board lately as I have found that friends that I have called and wanted to be able to speak to have not even bothered to phone or message me back. I guess they have had enough or it just makes them uncomfortable or they are just too busy, it is that time of year. I am always introspective this time of year. And as I wrote yesterday I regularly covet solitude anyway.

Out of sheer boredom this weekend my mind has been doing somersaults (nothing seems stimulating enough, nothing at all) and once again I found myself thinking about the yank narcissist endlessly. There is so much else I could be doing or thinking about and yet there he was again all of a sudden and that familiar tug and wondering why things unfolded as they did..yes it still happens and I am writing about it today because it is better out than in. I am OK with my flaws, I own them. When I try to work out why the thoughts of him come back and haunt me as strongly as they do after longer times of no feeling about it the only thing I can think of is that he was the source that opened me up..left me so bereft and so vulnerable and the months that followed after he demolished my heart were like an opened wound that not only festered but was riddled with disease that I never knew was there and it all came seeping out…and right now I need a course of ‘antibiotics’ as the infection has not quite cleared….

I’ve done everything, I thought, to prevent it..feeling this way. So why? Why is his face still so clear in my mind and why do I ruminate over what happened on these days and just can’t let it go. What is it about him? At one stage when I was there it wasn’t so much that he had shut down on me I remember thinking why don’t I feel anything for him right now in this moment? And the only thing I could put it down to was shock. At that time I was walking around numb…I couldn’t work out what had gone wrong and I had no way of gauging what was going through his head because he simply would not not discuss anything…it was the most bizarre thing. In a normal situation you would discuss or react…he just shut down and yet he did not want me to go out..to the shops (which I inevitably did) or walking even it seemed, it was as if he wanted me there he just would not communicate with me. I never had the opportunity to talk to him about it, he never gave me or us a chance to even though it was me that walked out after so many days of deadlock…

Months have passed, I had months of depression, ultimately committed career suicide because of it all, constant psychotherapy and yes my strength has come back more and stronger than ever in a very long time but these days like this weekend and today…I feel vulnerable.

I know that after Christmas and the New Year eventually work will pick up and when I am busy again it won’t give me the time to think as much. I just wish it was now…I should love it but I hate this time of the year lately. I look back at this time last year and he and I were constantly talking and he was being really surprisingly bold even saying things like “you should look at buying us a house in Perth, we can use that as a holiday house, how much are they?”, he was flirting up a storm and I was loving every minute of it. Maybe he was lonely then and entertaining himself and a crazy part of me wonders if he is the same this year, and if he has even thought about me? He doesn’t deserve my love, thoughts or energy and I know it so why? Why now?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS on so many levels…

Maybe I should consider hypnotherapy. If I had the money right now I would hop on a plane and just get out of here for a little while. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I should just take a drive out of here and spend a few days away, from this city and this situation…..escape..

Self exploration…why label it?

I’ve spent a lifetime trying to psychoanalyse myself, work out what the hell I’m all about and why as a general rule I don’t seem to ‘fit’ anywhere. Even this morning I woke and thought ‘ok, another day, groundhog day’….the mind is good finally, pretty much, the body is fit (I still regularly exercise)…it is a weekend and even though I miss certain people and feel I would like to ‘catch up’ another part of me knows that if I go OUT THERE at this point and how I feel at present I will become drained by the energy of many and feel extremely tired by the superficial and forced social interaction.

Recently, as a part of my self exploratory journey; coming out of what is hopefully my final depression sans meds after many years, recovering from a painful love and just general midlife crisis..or ‘crossroads’ I realised that sometimes when I feel alone, at the same time it is that way because I created it that way. When I do venture out and spend time with people I have fun, I enjoy the connection but then I crave solitude after that. Time to recharge

I was reading something about Audrey Hepburn the other day (she is one of my favorite actresses and was a very compassionate and ultra amazing person whom I admire greatly) and had never realised she felt the same way until I read this;

“I’m an introvert… I love being by myself, love being outdoors, love taking a long walk with my dogs and looking at the trees, flowers, the sky.”

“I don’t want to be alone, I want to be left alone.”

“I have to be alone very often. I’d be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That’s how I refuel.”

-Audrey Hepburn

This used to frighten me. I used to think my god I m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I will die a crazy cat person and no one will know for months or the cats will feast upon my rotting corpse and they will have to do a DNA test on my bones (macabre I know but reminiscent of the crisis Miranda was having when she choked on some food and had to Heimlich herself (!)  and worried that being single and living alone in her new Manhattan apartment and thought exactly the same thing about her cat and kept overfeeding it for days! – great expisode -Sex and the City).

I thought I was extrovert. I am actually an introvert. Surprisingly many actors and famous people are, think Johnny Depp, Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford, Barbara Streisand, Bill Gates, Lorde, Jewel, Amy Adams, Tom Ford, Alanis Morrisette, JK Rowling the list is endless…

I remember in my late teens and early twenties I would go out partying with a group of my girlfriends and all of a sudden I just had to leave; often they would say ‘where is Roz? Oh, she’s taken off again’ and they would know more than likely I was on my way home because I would hit a point where the interaction and the energy en masse was too draining and I needed to just be alone…with my thoughts..my create time.

I’ve come to realise now that if I had just understood and embraced it rather than ‘labeling’ it in some derogatory way like ‘unsociable, unfriendly, incapable of cultivating friendships’ worrying that I was some freak of nature and why couldn’t I just be like the others and hang out in ‘packs or tribes’ and be comfortable with it then maybe I would have used that time more productively…like writing songs (I was in a band and did want to make music my career but never really followed through) or creating in some other way. But like everything that is ironic about life I find that sometimes by the time you realise your blessings and gifts it is too late to do something about it. Although, it ain’t over til the fat lady sings as they say!

I guess the lesson learned is to be comfortable in your own skin. Don’t try to change for anyone else or be someone that you are not. Don’t try to label everything or self criticize using others as the rule.

It is not important to run with the herd. There are many animals that run solo and thrive…

 

“Quiet people have the loudest minds” – Stephen Hawking

Expectations…

This time of the year I wish I was living in America or Europe, where they really get into the spirit of the holiday season. Where each day prior to Christmas is counted down with excitement and people seem generally uplifted irrespective of the craziness going on around us. Here, not quite the same. Sometimes I feel the Aussie spirit has waned and I guess it is a different look here at Christmas because we are usually walking around with shorts and bathers on because it is summer and somehow all the depictions of Santa and his reindeer in snow scenes seems a tad odd.

We are almost at the end of the year. 13 days til Christmas eve, 20 til New years eve and by god I can’t wait until it is all over. The last few years I have said “good riddance” to the year that has been and predicted how wonderful and different the coming year would be and I have been wrong each time (with the exception that my beautiful son is still with us and that is truly a blessing). Negative? Perhaps a little but true, sadly.

This time of the year alot of us have expectations.

I just wrote a whole paragraph of words here and when I read it back I realised that I was being ungrateful and bellyaching so I deleted it and started again.

Reality is that it has been another tough year. One of painful lows and few highs yet after everything the most amazing thing has happened.  I started to feel a sense of pride in myself and I have never been proud of me. I have berated myself endlessly more often than not for things that others have done to me..although I allowed it…or that was my way of thinking. I accepted what happened and always took the blame for it and internalised it to such an extent that it was I who did more damage than the damage itself.

Not anymore.

Habits of a lifetime are hard to break but, it can be done. And I have gone a long way towards breaking bad habits in thinking this year and although it sounds trite, when you have spent years as a prisoner of your mind to sever those chains is incredibly freeing.

I will never forget the magnificent ‘high’ I felt as the plane started it’s descent into Phoenix and I knew I was only moments away from seeing the man that had made my heart beat so hard..more than anyone, ever. We hadn’t seen each other for 30 or so years and then had been talking again for the good part of a year prior to me leaving.  The words and conversations leading up to it all and then the feeling of shock and heartbreak that this person was nothing like the expectation he, and even I had created. Alot can change in 30 years.

Ahhh, ‘expectation’; a strong belief that something will happen or be the case. A dangerous state of being because expectation is a high that only leads in one direction most times….a devastating low or disappointment in the least. When people say ‘it exceeded my expectations’ surely the starting point was much lower than it should have been? Is there any use in expectation?

So at the end of this year, instead of creating the expectation of a fantastic year to come I am going to give it up to the universe. In complete faith that what needs to happen will.

I can feel faith and hopeful about the future but I have no way of predicting nor should I waste my time trying. As Doris Day (gosh I loved her songs and movies as a kid, especially Calamity Jane) would say “Que sera, whatever will be will be”.

Now it is one day at a time, doing my best, loving, caring, smiling as much as I can, not looking forward necessarily and rarely looking back, just looking  up! (As opposed to hanging my head down). Accepting the sad times and rolling with it.  Working toward a sense of inner peace I have never known; no, scratch that…..When I hold my sons in my arms..even now great hulking things they are, that is when I DO feel inner peace.

I want more of that. In a world of selfies and selfishness, noise and chaos, it is a hard thing to find. But not impossible, and worth seeking.

So instead of starting the day worrying about finding work, my son’s illness, how am I going to afford the bills coming before Christmas with no income to pay for it, this, that and all the rest of the merde! I will finish this post with some quotes I like. Don’t worry, I am sure (damn sure!:)) I will have more hi-jinx and interesting posts to come (I have been told by some followers that they love my blog and look forward to new posts…for which I am very grateful x), but for today…

“Never say that you can’t do something, or that something seems impossible, or that something can’t be done, no matter how discouraging or harrowing it may be; human beings are limited only by what we allow ourselves to be limited by: our own minds. We are each the masters of our own reality; when we become self-aware to this: absolutely anything in the world is possible.

Master yourself, and become king of the world around you. Let no odds, chastisement, exile, doubt, fear, or ANY mental virii prevent you from accomplishing your dreams. Never be a victim of life; be it’s conqueror.”- Mike Norton (Author and US Military Veteran)

“A good half of the art of living is resilience.” Alain De Botton

-OSCAR WILDE

Love and whitelight xxx

So much for lessons learned! Oh irony..

Some days you just want to go back to bed, pull the covers up around you and sink into blissful non intruded sleep. No worries or concerns, no thoughts or fears, no realities, just blissful nothingness. I guess as I have heard many say more recently ‘first world problems!’ because the fact of the matter is I have a bed, a roof over my head even if tenuous, I have food to eat pretty much most things Maslow speaks about in his hierarchy of needs.

But the funny thing is things can change drastically at the drop of a hat, just look at Paris recently or San Bernadino. It really makes you think how life these days has become..oh god..what is the word? My brain is a tad numb from a bottle of wine yesterday..

I still have days when I feel a bit lost..what next…and when I do I give myself a day or so to just feel it and try rewire my thinking, bring myself back to the present and say to myself ‘just take one day at a time girl, it is all you can do’…eventually I liven up again. Mindset. After years of medicated thoughts I am now in control (hate that word in some ways) and have to pull myself up regularly until it all becomes natural (I will never allow the black dog in again, I will fight it).

So Friday, after another disappointing week on the job front..2 more no’s after running around to meetings and interviews I decided to take an afternoon and just time out. I had a nice meal, a play at the casino (I know, not a good place to go when you are on the bones of your arse but when everyone else is at work, no friends in sight, I’d exercised a number of days that week, cleaned, applied for a gazillion jobs, self educated a bit more..I just needed a timeout for a few hours). I won a few hundred dollars but had a few more drinks and put it all back again! And then I got a text from the beautiful man. The one that got away.

The one that at least was decent enough to tell me he wasn’t sure I was his forever girl and gave me time to kinda get over him..it was a only a number of weeks dating so it wasn’t too hard and his kindness and honesty helped, what a pity he is a rare male these days, I really did want to keep him!! But it has to be a two way street!

Anyway, I called him after he tried to call me (I had messagebank on) after my return text saying Hi! It was so nice to hear his voice, he had been back from Italy for a couple of weeks and we had kept in touch while he was over there and then he messaged a couple times when he got back. He has his kids every second weekend and this was his weekend off so he said why don’t you come over? Which I did, we had dinner and drinks and ended up having a wonderful night together, yes, we did go there, several times…it kinda felt so familiar and yet more passionate than before. Just lovely…

I hadn’t been prepared for a sleepover so after spending the morning together I went home. On the way home I felt warm and wonderful and I took it for what it was and just appreciated our time together. We said we would talk again soon. (Which often isn’t the case when people say that but with us it usually rings true).

Then yesterday on my way to the gym a song by a band we mutually love (we love alot of the same music, and loud!) came on my ipod so I messaged him..he came back with a yeh love that. We text a bit he told me he had gone out the night before, his sister’s husband is a promoter and he helped her on the door of the gig, but of course, me being a bit of a ‘woman’ at times started to think ‘well why didn’t he ask me to go with him?’…..OHHHH GGGEEEZZZZ..then I allowed my outer child to run amok for a little while; pouting and making up scenarios in my head and realised I really did still like this guy…arrgghh

Then I heard the Yank in my head for the first time in a little while “You are 50 man, you should be together by now” (I am not 50 yet I am 49 til May 2016 but I guess it made him feel better as he was about to hit 60!!:P) and “Man you think too much” and other wonderful encouraging words of wisdom he imparted (not)…I realised that even though I have worked hard on myself and tried to change habits of a lifetime I am still a very flawed person when it comes to love and relationships…it takes effort to get my mind back on the right path, but at least I recognise it now..

So I snapped myself out of it yesterday afternoon after gym, had a glass or two of wine put some great music on and said ‘if you love someone, set them free etc ‘ yada, you know the saying…funnily enough we did end up talking again in the afternoon it was fun and funny and I get the feeling we will remain good friends, maybe more, I guess time will tell. But it is funny when you change your way of thinking and actually relax and stop thinking too much what happens….

I guess the yank was kinda right! Ironic….love and whitelight xx

 

 

Things do happen for a reason…

Yesterday on my way into the city for meetings and interview, even as the train broke down I sat in relative peace…felt peaceful because it hit me; even though we don’t always agree with what happens and things hurt us and are generally difficult or even ridiculous, after a while you realise that they occurred for a reason.

It may not have been part of your grand plan. May not have been what you expected, but as things unfold you get A HA moments and in that moment you know there really is a higher power (in whatever form you believe in) working behind the scenes.

I am starting to get more of the A ha moments; a learning and realisation. I love that feeling, when it does come to you and you smile to yourself with a knowing, a contentment.

Life is by no means easy right now, not alot has changed but things are moving and I am becoming acutely aware of things I never used to pay attention to. I now find myself realising the incredible waste of focusing on the past and looking too far into the future because in that you lose today. And that is something you can never get back once its is gone.

The experience with the men I have dated lately (bar one who showed me how a man can behave respectfully and he is still my friend), each time I have come to a greater acceptance that it is better to be alone than with someone who disrespects or abuses you or really only thinks about themselves. I want a relationship but I don’t need it.  I know what I deserve and I would treat my partner with love and respect, I would do anything; for the right person. It needs to be mutual. And they have made me realise how my pining for Joe over all these months (even writing to him at times still) was a ridiculous waste of time because even if he did come back, he was not the person I thought I knew and loved and he would never change and never be able to give me what I deserve; real love and respect, kindness and care and friendship. It is like the universe kept giving me the same kind of men and saying ‘learn the lesson. Toughen up, be wise and do what is right for you’ and at the same time it finally hit me that even though I was madly in love with him and thought he was different, Joe was those kinds of men but even more extreme and wrong.

I remember Joe (the yank narcissist) used to say; “I know how to treat a good woman”, “I want a relationship where you do everything together and have each others back no matter what” (I came to realise what the ‘no matter what’ entailed!) but with all of his mantras he was only prepared to be with someone that did things his way, acquiesced to his needs and desires, under his complete control, a woman who didn’t have a mind of her own and was happy to say “yes Joe, no Joe, how far do you want me to bend over the cliff Joe?” Anyway, that is done. I did in a drunken stupor text him very recently but now I am really done. I guess I will refer to him now and then, what happened with him was a great leveller, it broke me down, made me go in and deep, searching me and why things in my life were as they were, I questioned…stripped down to bare and dealed.  It has taken many months to rebuild and open my eyes.

But they are wide open now.

I am looking forward to this chapter of my life.  Even though the interview I had yesterday with a wonderful international company; which was  teleconferenced with a Manager overseas and here in Australia seemed to go well something tells me I may not have got the job..something is not quite sitting right inside of me..I am feeling things more intuitively lately, except when I have a glass or two of wine or a Dirty martini! But that is OK, there are other options coming forward from the other meetings I had and I feel a strong pull that all of a sudden the right position will just open up. That timing is a part of it considering other factors in my life like my son and getting to spend precious time with him before I lose him. things seem to be occurring to some weird timetable…I know that may sound slightly crazy..but it seems like it…

I have been off  antidepressant medication now for 16 months and in that time I have gone through so much including another depression but this was different and there was a reason behind it and now I look back and know the likelihood of it ever happening again is very minimal because of what I have learned and worked through this time, this one was meant to be. I know I will experience profound sadness but there is difference between depression and sadness and I know I now have tools to deal that I never had before. I know myself finally. I really like me now…finally. It took nearly 50 years!:)

Love and whitelight x