The morning after…contemplation

My post last night was written in haste and tiddly haze after what was a very disappointing day. Life is full of days like that I know, but I guess the secret in life is not to expect too much and then you won’t be as disappointed.

I had that conversation with the yank, about expectations. At times we had some good conversations in our early days prior to his true colours being revealed. Or  at least my ability to witness it first hand. It takes time for someone to reveal their real self. Added to the mix is the cover of Social media, and our method of communicating these days. Alot of it is just not real or pretence disguised as real. It is so easy to pretend these days.

I think that is where I fall down. I can’t pretend to be anything other than me.

After my job interview yesterday I felt I had been as open and honest as I can be. I admitted to the interviewer that my work record in the last 2 years was a bit scattered because I had been dealing with life’s curve balls as profoundly as I could and had suffered major depression (on top of some really challenging real life issues). I don’t think that went down well even though he pulled all the right facial expressions and uttered the ‘right’ words. The thing is, it is harder to pretend when face to face. I think I read people fairly well when they are in front of me, it is intuitive.  I am well qualified for the job, in fact he seemed concerned it might be a bit too basic with no chance of moving up. But to me work is work, I am at a different point in my life.

Then I went to meet the man I’ve been dating. He asked me the day before but I wanted to prepare for the interview, go to the gym and just have a good nights sleep. He messaged me alot with the dumbest jokes, it was as if he needed to keep talking to me, but I was trying to cook dinner so I said I would see him the next day. So as planned I met him at the Pub we met at originally. He works hard physically and then goes to the pub nearly everyday after. Or drinks at home. I hadn’t realised initially that was how it was going to be and when it dawned on me the reality saddened me. He is an alcoholic. He doesn’t care what he is doing to himself, he even said so and when I tried to talk with him about it he would argue that I was being judgmental. Apparently he was starting to feel like I was judging him about everything. It seemed as if he wasn’t feeling stimulated unless he was arguing. I won’t do that. It’s a waste of time.

So after several drinks he insisted on going home to his house and continuing there. Once there, it was on again. So I packed up and walked out. Seems like  a common theme to me lately. I walked out on the Yank in Arizona after flying half way around the world to see him (his behaviour was unacceptable too, but not alcohol fuelled, just narcissistic manipulative games). I think both of them thought I would participate in their games and crap. NO. Hell no.

So back to the drawing board. If I give up on love it will be a sad and lonely life. Love is the thing and I do believe in it wholeheartedly. It will come. The right person is near I feel it, and when it’s right, it’s right. FAITH.

Love and white light xx

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