The last week or so I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but the wondrous thing is I now know why and I fully accept and embrace these days and the future which I know will be difficult at times but also marvelous. Because I said so.
I won’t reel off the list of crap that still exists in my life, it’s in previous posts and frankly I get sick of talking about it because it is what it is and everyone has problems of varying degrees. In some ways its enough to make a grown man cry but I know that the strength gained over time this year has enabled me to say “oh fuck it!” (sometimes the power of the expletive is the only way to create the impact!) and after a good bawl I pick myself back up again and go at it!
I have written alot about how I have moved past depression without medication this time and done it over a very challenging period of my life. One of the biggest changes and mechanisms for a stronger mind has been exercise, a good diet and supplements (including high strength fish oil, B group vitamins, Probiotics and Super Greens). Cliche but true. And I do have Joe to thank for the exercise thing..he was my initial impetus and he was very encouraging in our beginning…something to thank him for!
There is mounting evidence that regular and proper exercise has just as much (if not more) of an effect as antidepressants and I have to say, for me, it’s true. The natural boost from endorphin’s and the like seems to bring a clarity that allows me to put things more into perspective and help allay the rumination that so frequently wears away at you when you have mounting pressures and an impending feeling of doom.
You need to take into account what the root cause or causes may be and go to the heart of it and do the work. I know, I have been there. By no means do I belittle the fact that for some ‘chemical’ imbalance or physical cause is the root and that is when traditional methods; medication and therapy are still the most reliable way to stay upright.
And there are days when amongst it all your body just says ‘NUP’, no way, so you listen and give yourself the time to rest and nurture your aching spirit. IE give yourself some love and care. Have that glass of fabulous red (or several in my case!), sleep that extra hour if you can, read a good book, listen to some good tunes, whatever makes you feel in the moment and brings your energy back to centre.
I’m not trying to preach. There are many blogs out there doing that already. I am simply writing about my own experience and maybe if it works for me it may for someone else. I started this blog for that reason..catharsis and connection.
So it’s Friday and old habits die hard! Years of working in the city and Friday drinks and the excitement from the unwind still sit in my wiring even though I am not working at present (not through choice but circumstance and believe me that is temporary, I am damn sure of that now I am well again and the brain is in ‘go get’em’ mode!)
Funny story; I’ve been doing the dating thing, well not as fervently as recently because I have finally settled into my own groove and rather than try work through the quagmire of men who only want to ‘horizontal mambo’ straight off the bat (seriously, I don’t know if it is just Perth men but it feels like they are spoilt for choice and behave like insolent teenage boys needing their quick ejaculation at any cost…and they get it!…or in my case one guy, 3 years younger than me, who keeps texting me out of the blue…persistent bastard…probably because I won’t give it to him! He is slightly seedy in the sex department, he showed me by his behaviour after one coffee although he was an hilarious bastard as well! Which is the only reason I haven’t blocked him! What? I like a good belly laugh:).
Then there is a 35 yo who every time he opens his mouth I hear ‘waaaahhhh’ and realise why it is he is still single….he needs a mother figure and I guess at 49 I’m it temporarily but he did have some redeeming qualities…somewhere, although I haven’t heard from him for 2 days now after I told him his temper tantrums won’t work with me and frankly I don’t care if he doesn’t message again.
I did speak to the handsome Italian 52 yo I was dating recently this week, it seems we may keep some kind of friendship going as he had said. He is going through a difficult family thing right now (and dating on the side, I’m quite sure….I don;t think I was quite ‘adventurous’ enough for him in the sack…fervent but not adventurous!). And it is true what they say about the so called ‘quiet, gentlemanly ones’! 😉
I am damned serious; some of these men out there really want some seedy shit, they want the porn queen in the bed and the saint in the kitchen and man trying to keep up with this crap is tiring so I am happy to just ‘be’, have a laugh when I want and just enjoy my new sense of self and freedom. (Well partial freedom, I’m still caring for my mum although she is becoming more self sufficient now as her leg is healing and my son is….not as well as he has been…nature of the degenerative disease he has but there is still so much light in him even so and he is well cared for and is kept occupied which is good for him…I wish it could be me all the time but there is another story in that…so I have to get on with my life when I am able…keep connected to life outside of the issues and keep moving forward as best I can).
So yesterday, in the gym the young lass said to me’ how old are you?’ after I was talking about stuff and I said ’49’ and she said ‘no way, oh no way, my god I thought you were 40 at the most, look at your skin and your energy, you glow, my god if I look like you at that age I would be very happy, awesome”.
And I have to say I walked out of there with a big cheesy smile on my face and I realised that for all the crap there are also so many blessings and things to be grateful for…. and even though recently one date said he thought I was a modern hippy! I don’t know quite what he meant by that but hopefully not mutton dressed as lamb…damn it stuff the lamb…mutton is tastier…slow cooked! hahaha