Beyond it all..6 months on…I can hear Barbara!! hahaha

It occurred to me today that  it has been exactly 6 months since I got off the plane from my heartbreaking trip to the U.S and when I think about how devastated yet numb I was that day I still sometimes think…my god..did it really happened that way. Was that person really someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and held so high that I thought he could walk on water?

How could I have been so naive and fall for months of BS? The quick and lethal buildup; “This is our second chance, some people never even get a first”, “There is a reason we are here, lets take this chance now…I am not the kind that waits we need to do this now” “Can I tell you something? I LOVE YOU” (said in the 2nd week of our reconnect over the phone in a 2 hour phone conversation), “I am not comfortable with not speaking over the weekend; call me at 1pm your time” (said when I wanted to give him a break over a weekend because I knew he was having a party for his daughters birthday so I said we would speak on the Monday but he was having none of that and continued to message me through the ‘party’, if there really was one “The party feels naked without you” “I miss my hostess being by my side” “We should be doing this together, I imagine us doing everything together”) YADA YADA….

Sadly, there is so much more, that can’t be conveyed in these posts it was full on and fast and thick. IT WAS LIES, and manipulation crafted by a sociopathic narcissist whom I actually believe that he believed every word coming out of his mouth at that point in time…the classic first phase “Idealization” where they put you on a pedestal, make you the centre of their world, are in contact frequently showering you with praise and flattery and telling you you are so connected in so many ways, soul mates even….I remember Joe even said a number of times “Oh that’s so weird, did we just do that? We wrote to each other at the same time, so far across the water and yet”

I FELL FOR IT, ….HOOK… line and massive sinker in the end…!

I can laugh about it now, and I actually do. The pain is gone but it is replaced by embarrassment but only temporarily because I know I am not the only one who has experienced this ‘out of body’ situation. And I feel very sorry for the numbers of people not just women but men too who live for years in the crazy hell that is a narcissists world of “Idealization, devalue and discard” and in many cases horrific long term psychological abuse and very possibly physical too and many who stay in that hell for 20, 30 years….my god. I got off lightly.

As quoted by the blog the Thought catalog one of thousands of well written blogs of experience in this phenomenon;

The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, stonewalling you, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their extreme “standards.” Since the “hot” aspect of this phase relies on intermittent reinforcement in which the narcissist gives you inconsistent spurts of the idealization phase throughout, you become convinced that perhaps you are at fault and you can “control” the narcissist’s reactions.

And the lessons I have learned from it make it so worthwhile. It forced me to take a long hard look at my life. The depression that followed was tough. The first I had survived without medication in nearly 2 decades and I am so damn proud of myself for that. Grateful that my spirit never waned for very long although it threatened to.

It is hard for many to understand how it is difficult to ‘let go’ when you go through this type of experience. Unless you have been there I guess you never will. But, once through it and as a survivor it brings with it many wonderful things you learn about yourself and a strength you never thought you had. But I do have a slightly ‘crazy’ side to me and in a weird way I allow it out every now and then…to play…to entertain myself…sometimes I make up a more positive scenario where it was all some silly mistake and we find our way back to each other again…third time lucky! Yes, I know….don’t say it…think it, but don’t say it!

I still have days when I feel him. I still write to him (I know..in every instance you are told ‘no contact’ is the only way) but I know he doesn’t read my emails anyway (they probably go to spam, but they do go and are not ‘blocked’ as such) and in a sense I get to tell him what I feel and in some crazy way it helps. I even called him again the other day, in a drunken stupor, heard that caramel voice (yes I have a sick obsession with his voice) and left a phone message which I am sure he listens to and gets some weird thrill from the fact that I still seem under his spell. And he is controlling me without having to do anything…and from what I saw when I was with him…he LOVES CONTROL.

I sometimes wonder if this is the same as the sick world of bondage, discipline and masochism where people get a thrill out of being tied up and whipped, are yelled at and spoken down to and they love it, it excites them sexually. I remember watching a documentary on that crazy world on tele one day…there are whole industries around it and other ‘out there’ behaviour. I guess as long as you are not hurting anyone and there is mutual consent, why not if you are that way inclined.

So 6 months on…I hear Barbara “Memories…light the corners of my mind, misty watered coloured memories..of the way we were…..”….:)

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