Is the moon constantly on FULL??

OK, I think  am officially in the twilight zone. I keep wondering if the moon has stayed on full for the last year because the instances of looney tunes continues…

Friday evening I caught up with my ‘friend’ he invited me over for the weekend I think I mentioned it in my previous post and it all started well. Although a bit crazy, his idea of having fun was a dive bar with women wearing skimpy and at times next to no outfits and very drunk men shoving money into their G-strings and then either falling over or punching each other! I should’ve known the weekend wasn’t going to go well after that, but I am open minded even if I was slightly overdressed for the evening both in class and clothing!

Then home to his house in the hills for an evening of Country music and watching him dance around the lounge room half naked with cowboy boots and hat!  OHH my freaking god…!

Aside from the fact that watching an italian dressed that way and his love of country music (I have known him for a little while and by no means did I have a clue he was that way inclined…I’m afraid I have a distinct DISLIKE for country crooning although the odd stuff is OK)..but I went with it good sport that I am..

Oh and he took me outside and uncovered his prized possession a beautifully restored and polished Monaro..the Aussie equivalent of one of those American classics I so love and wanted to do the horizontal mambo in the back seat….OK, I’m game…DON’T Judge, I’m all for the horizontal mambo when it feels right!:)

Thank goodness for copious amounts of al-cy-hol ending in American honey on the rocks in large quantities…

After a very late night or early morning he told me he had to do some work that morning..a rare Saturday and he wanted me to be his truck wench (yes I have sunk another level)! Drives a huge Volvo truck that carts Asphalt and then has to deliver and dump it over a very long period of time and waiting around…OHHH JOY…my head throbbing and more country music blaring in the cabin…arrgghh

But I went with that too and by lunchtime we were back home and gathering stuff for the evening, food and drinks. More drinking (it is a sad thing in a way but Aussies do use alcohol as a drug of choice regularly, its as part of the landscape as the Sydney Harbour bridge unfortunately…perhaps it is just a way of making things better temporarily), and a barbecue later that afternoon which initially was nice. Some friends came over, all good, until he started to take pot shots at his mate. And eventually over time at me and believe me after all the bullshit and wank I have gone through with men of late like Yanky Joe and crazy Chevvy guy there was no way on gods great earth I was putting up with that shit.

Being stuck up there in hills late my only course of action was to go to bed, so I did. I think he got it then. Then first thing in the morning I told him to take me to the station (which was a fair way away) and then I went home. After his sheepish demeanor and profuse apologies, trying to salvage our friends with benefits connection, as I got out of the car at the station he tried to kiss me; but I said thanks and look after yourself Joe (yes another bloody crazy Italian Joe) and I know he knew I was wishing him a good life!

Oh and yesterday I get a call that my mother has gone and discharged herself from the hospital against the doctors wishes and that was the last straw for me too because the whole reason she was back there was because she would not do what they told her too. I have helped her with absolutely everything constantly over many many weeks now and tried to get her to do the right thing and ‘listen’ but to no avail so I am now wiping my hands of that too…she is a grown woman, I can’t wipe her backside for her, not that she was ever much of a mother anyway, manipulative, selfish and expecting everyone to help and the only time she is ever nice to me is when she wants something. Finito.

If there is one thing I am learning from these looney tune events is that if people don’t want to help themselves or know how to behave you can not be responsible for them you have to let them learn the hard way. You can only do so much and just look after yourself and after everything I am now doing that….me first.

Ahhh then yet again a minute ago I get a call from a social worker from the hospital and she is meant to go to an appointment today and instead she has gone to the casino…even in her state…FINITO for good, you can not help someone who does not want to help themselves, bar having them committed! 

I have meetings this afternoon and tomorrow about work, fingers crossed, and I am going to the gym after having a week off it. I need to keep my mind in good shape or I will end up in the asylum…

Many will think I am mad for continuing to date when there is so much else going on but it takes my mind off things for a little while and that helps. I will be so much happier when I am back at work. I can’t change certain things like my sons illness, my mothers dumbness and the male arses in this world but I can keep going, trying to move forward and stay smiling when I can….maybe the moon will start to wane finally…

 

 

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Later in the day…ahhh men..

So please excuse my aberration…earlier…Some days are still a huge effort in patience and other required and expected outward appearance! However, as the day slowly slips away…I have had an interesting afternoon…a couple of glasses of wine…Dianna Krall..”the look of love” and other good mushy classics , Stevie Wonder oh yah haha…

This morning I woke feeling shite. I have not managed to get work still, YES, I have tried, every morning I start the same shooting off my resume, making phone calls etc etc and I am also now not looking just at what I am qualified to do.(and in the meantime trying to self teach on knowledge gaps to get my biz together). I will do anything..to earn an income and not be on welfare! I have a scant amount of savings left, I guess my trip to America didn’t help..stupid me..tight arse arsehole him, guess as well..should’ve known!! ..that should have been a clue?!!…oh dear..Australia, but particularly Perth is really suffering in the aftermath of the boom…I know its not just me. As I have said before, it is a one trick pony this city. And I have considered going East again (I did get a call recently) but with my son going downhill more rapidly I really do not want to leave at this point…Probably a good thing Joe and I never made it…I could’ve been living in the U.S and trying to fly back regularly…anyway…

So after doing what needed doing this morning, I was back in touch with a couple of crazy men I have dated…it was good because it took my mind off..

One is incredibly Italian in his outlook and manner..there is a ‘profile’ about these guys, sometimes I feel I could write a book about how these men are predictable! it is funny.

The other, incredibly British. They are all stiff upper lip and yet there is a real seedy side to them when  it comes to relationships.

I must admit, they both, highly entertained me and made me smile. And I needed to.

Ohhhh hang on…speaking of BRITS; Rod Stewart and “you wear it well” just came on…need to have a sing and dance!!  Here is the link to the video  https://youtu.be/hQqNUwNNkTo

OK anyway, we had highly animated conversations both on phone and in person. But one of the conversations was about me and how I appear to the male population out there in neverland!!

“no offense sweety, but you come across as wanting to be dominated (sexually) and then you just take over and take charge. No man wants that! They want to call the shots! ” OH FUCK, REALLY???

Then the other “you are quite intimidating to men that don’t know you well. You’re intelligent, very switched on, classy, strong…it really makes a guy feel like you are too high maintenance!”…NOW if that ain’t an oxymoron I don’t know what the bloody hell is!!

So..how is a girl to proceed? I guess I should not put any emphasis on a man and his thoughts..because, to be quite frank..sometimes I think they are more confused than us women!

Tomorrow night I am going to the Italians house! For the weekend apparently? No Joe just maybe for the evening..no I want you and us to spend some ‘time’ together, yes,  by some fucking freak of nature he is a ‘Joe’ too.

Dear god. is the irony lost on me? NO.

Ahhh..too may wines..many FB and phone conversations..

Lets discuss the moral dilemma tomorrow when I am compos mentis …aye carumba…no more wine…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a world of arseholes…how do you keep faith?

I am having a crisis of faith right now. I am finding it hard to stay positive and believe when people keep saying ‘good things are coming’ and then I look around…. If I hear anyone say that at this point I would probably be tempted to tell them to ‘go f%#$ themselves’.

Life is not all beer and skittles, I know that. It has ups and downs, and then those ups and downs can be extreme and at times the downs can be relentless.

I keep telling myself ‘there is always someone worse off than you’ ‘keep it in perspective’. I look at my son who I also managed to have another day with yesterday and he struggles to eat, chew, swallow, balance , walk, be free from pain and dystonia, recover from choking because this darned disease has very much taken hold and he struggles everyday to do things, even simple things that many of us including me take for granted.

And then I look at everything going on not only in my life but around me and in the world; like Paris and all I see are the arseholes in this world prevailing and the good people…suffering and struggling. And I say to myself “WHY?” why is there so much imbalance, unfairness and injustice in this world.

Take America for example; there are people admittedly SOME talented and they make a disproportionate amount of money from simply pretending to be someone else (actors), or they sing a song and entertain you for five minutes and wiggle their arses around half naked, or they take prolific photos of themselves and gain a following for just taking a good photo of once again their almost bare arses (think Kardashians)(IE predominantly the narcissists of this world) and they make gazillions and are revered and yet there are people not only in their own country but all over the world that are starving, being displaced, suffering from diseases yet can not get access to medication they need to live IE Charlie Sheen and his access to retro-viral drugs for AIDS and yet millions worldwide and in particular Africa go through painful suffering and death because they simply can not access it. WHY? Survival of the fittest and most admired? Do you have to be narcissistic and self serving to go far in this world?

I am tired of people saying it’s ok, just accept it, stay positive, be mindful, the universe or god will provide. I AM WAITING TO SEE SOME BALANCE IN THIS WORLD. I am trying to create some in my life but I seem to keep banging my head, and I have a conscience, I won’t do things to harm others and I have a soft centre, compassion and empathy…its called a heart.

It is so hard to not lose your faith and will to live amongst it when all you see and hear are arseholes prevailing and good people suffering.

That is all I needed to say today…my energy an outlook on life is low today…I am not depressed, I won’t allow it. I just see things as they are and call it….I don’t live in FAIRY LAND where Glenda the good witch makes everything right with the wave of the wand….it is not reality….

The morning after…contemplation

My post last night was written in haste and tiddly haze after what was a very disappointing day. Life is full of days like that I know, but I guess the secret in life is not to expect too much and then you won’t be as disappointed.

I had that conversation with the yank, about expectations. At times we had some good conversations in our early days prior to his true colours being revealed. Or  at least my ability to witness it first hand. It takes time for someone to reveal their real self. Added to the mix is the cover of Social media, and our method of communicating these days. Alot of it is just not real or pretence disguised as real. It is so easy to pretend these days.

I think that is where I fall down. I can’t pretend to be anything other than me.

After my job interview yesterday I felt I had been as open and honest as I can be. I admitted to the interviewer that my work record in the last 2 years was a bit scattered because I had been dealing with life’s curve balls as profoundly as I could and had suffered major depression (on top of some really challenging real life issues). I don’t think that went down well even though he pulled all the right facial expressions and uttered the ‘right’ words. The thing is, it is harder to pretend when face to face. I think I read people fairly well when they are in front of me, it is intuitive.  I am well qualified for the job, in fact he seemed concerned it might be a bit too basic with no chance of moving up. But to me work is work, I am at a different point in my life.

Then I went to meet the man I’ve been dating. He asked me the day before but I wanted to prepare for the interview, go to the gym and just have a good nights sleep. He messaged me alot with the dumbest jokes, it was as if he needed to keep talking to me, but I was trying to cook dinner so I said I would see him the next day. So as planned I met him at the Pub we met at originally. He works hard physically and then goes to the pub nearly everyday after. Or drinks at home. I hadn’t realised initially that was how it was going to be and when it dawned on me the reality saddened me. He is an alcoholic. He doesn’t care what he is doing to himself, he even said so and when I tried to talk with him about it he would argue that I was being judgmental. Apparently he was starting to feel like I was judging him about everything. It seemed as if he wasn’t feeling stimulated unless he was arguing. I won’t do that. It’s a waste of time.

So after several drinks he insisted on going home to his house and continuing there. Once there, it was on again. So I packed up and walked out. Seems like  a common theme to me lately. I walked out on the Yank in Arizona after flying half way around the world to see him (his behaviour was unacceptable too, but not alcohol fuelled, just narcissistic manipulative games). I think both of them thought I would participate in their games and crap. NO. Hell no.

So back to the drawing board. If I give up on love it will be a sad and lonely life. Love is the thing and I do believe in it wholeheartedly. It will come. The right person is near I feel it, and when it’s right, it’s right. FAITH.

Love and white light xx

Really? Again? Are there any normal people around?

So it’s happened again. I seem to pick them. Total tossers, or men who need their mother to wetnurse them.  One minute I give them the benefit of the doubt and then they just shit all over it. Dude, he really wanted a thing with me but he just could not communicate properly…he would make a statement and then expect an answer…and if it wasn’t the answer that best suited him he would just say :oh, its me I’m not right hey? After a number of days dating… he seemed quite keen…. more than me I’d say which was kind of freaking me out slightly…but I said, Roz, just go with it, go with the flow. I did NO chasing. He seemed ‘normal’, nice, gentlemanly even. Then WHAM.

It just seemed that  he wanted a conversation but he didn’t want an honest one. And by god, after everything lately….I can only give honest. I can not change for anyone. That, is not authentic.

Even today, after  job interview which was quite tiring for me because the man interviewing me seemed ill at ease and frantic to me in some way. I sat thinking; “men are telling us women we are emotional and difficult to deal with” and yet, I am finding them even more so at times!

Am I doomed to being alone in this life? Quite frankly, now, at this point I really don’t give a flying Feck.

I, myself, find that immensely sad in one way…but is it the general way these days?

I espoused the man shed theory… is it real? Or is it creative avoidance?

This man, who had up to a point behaved as an absolute gentleman, was starting to show his colours even only a few days ago. We spent the weekend together as well, and he invited a friend around and said this is my girlfriend! Believe me my eyebrows nearly shot off my face!!. We have seen each other nearly every second day and he would call or message consistently.

But,  not only does he drink like a fish, nearly every day but he calls it “partying”! It’s our time to party, we’ve brought up our kids…so lets drink ourselves stupid….

I’m sorry, but aside from growing out of it recently, yes, Joe the schmoe helped me with that but, why is it one or the other.. I meet a saint or a sinner?

The upshot is, I have finally sat there, listening to the wank and bullshit and said to myself; “this is NOT what I want, not what I deserve”, so I’m letting this one go too because, sadly, it is he, not I who has issues to deal with that sadly I can not help him with.

God knows I have enough shit on my plate.

And after everything, I really do deserve better….Love and whitelight x

 

 

 

Part 2 Man shed theory….still going with the flow

I started to write this 2 days ago; It was a lovely day yesterday. The weather was beautiful and we went to an old historic hotel/Inn not far from where I live in a national park. He came to pick me up in a hulking great Chevvy which kind of suited him he is a big man 6’2 ft tall! It put the biggest smile on my face (I love cars but I really love American classics especially Caddy’s, Chevs, Mustangs, Camaro’s, Trans Am’s, Corvettes). They drive like Sherman tanks but god you feel safe in them and the sound of the engine and the power…love it.

It was beautiful sitting amongst the trees after a lovely lunch. The conversation flowed. He’s lovely and good company. We were going to catch up again today (he runs his own business so can take time off when he wants to) but I needed a day off to do things, look for work, go to the gym…I really need to go to the gym regularly to keep my mind in the right place. We are having a day together again tomorrow (now today). We will see….I am still going with the flow, oh thank you healing.

Anyway, the man-shed theory!

Prior to meeting my man friend the other day I was just writing my journal, listening the the great music they had on and observing the goings on in the bar. It was quite full of men! There was only a few women there and this was not some ‘dingy’ bar. But I guess being afternoon on a weekday most would be at work or other.

As I had said previously I had just been to an appointment, had my healing session and then bought myself a nice lunch and decided to just go on with it for the rest of the afternoon. Quite content to just be.

I moved from the Chesterfield I was sitting on to a table near the window so I could write in my Journal. After a while and another glass or two feeling quite relaxed and happy I realised as I looked around the room that the men were either just seated on their own, a couple were in couples, and the rest were just 2 sitting and having a drink and a chat. It came to me that these days rarely the man has a ‘man-shed’. In the old days houses always had a reasonable sized shed in the backyard where the man would retreat to get his ‘time out’ away from his wife often friends would go to when they visited and they would pow wow there and tinker; with the lawnmower, building something out of wood, fixing or pretending to fix something, but it was their territory and their time out.

Often these days and with housing the way it is, regularly now built without a shed but if there is it is usually so minute you can’t sit in it or create a space.

I thought to myself ‘is this the equivalent of the man shed?’. There they sat, peacefully chatting, rarely as animated as we women get and I kind of felt for them. Believe me that was a bit of a quantum leap after what I have just been through and how it had tainted my feelings slightly about the male species! My eyes were finally opening up again.

Recently I had been using a dating website and only a few days back I decided to put my membership on hold because as I had said previously it seemed to be a free for all and I wasn’t sure I had the energy for the wank and bullshit!

Yet sitting there that day, it came to me that although we single women complain there is a man drought or a lack of decent men to date some of these men can be found in the man shed equivalent.. they have just removed themselves from the dating scene because to quote a man I was talking to that day “it is all just too hard!”.

From the horses mouth. And then at one stage I had been chatting with a girl behind the bar and she and I had a laugh about it and she told me she thought there was definitely something in my theory. She told me about the ‘regulars’ and had some other great tales.

I think women are so tied up in “I am woman hear me roar” and all this self sufficiency and self love and confusing strength for aggression that men (who, lets face it ladies, really are a simpler, less complicated bunch than us!!) simply just give up on the process. At least they have the brotherhood! And I guess there is the also alot of male aggression and manipulation out there and it really kills how we see the other half as well, kind of spoils it for the good men out there that are genuine and relatively normal!! And they are out there, really!

My man friend and I met that day. He was about to go outside when we looked at each other at the same time and smiled. He said something, then I did and then he came and joined me at the table and we talked and laughed for hours well into the evening where after he insisted on taking me home in a taxi (believe me that is huge because I live a fair way away ) and then literally dropped me off with a sweet goodbye kiss and then went straight back home in the taxi which isn’t far from the venue we were at earlier!

It was lovely, and it was an organic meeting. None of this ‘swipe left swipe right’ bulldust. It was the old way. And it renewed my faith both in the males and that you can meet nice people the organic way even these days.

Now I don’t know what is going to happen from here, as I said, today we are going out again. He is taking the day off. Something Joe would not do for me even though I had flown half way around the globe at his request to see him after so many years and what I thought was a deep connection. But enough of that, that is well and truly over now. I guess even though the healing helped to cut the chains it will be a little while before it completely leaves my memory. I am now happy to just take things one day at a time. It’s all we can do.

Happier times ahead, love and whitelight x

Removing the chains that bind….the man-shed theory!

Every day lately starts the same way, well, until today. I had to go to an appointment yesterday about possible work and then after I had a ‘healing’ session with a very good spiritual healer and card reader! Yes, I know, you either believe or you don’t..whatever works for you. Me, I am taking a multi-dimensional approach..haha. After that I took myself out to lunch, but more about that later.

I had been feeling a bit ‘stuck’, as written in my previous post and quite frankly aside from doing things the stock standard way I also thought I would shake it up a little. I have always believed in a higher power, whether that be god, the universe, people have their own beliefs but I also look at things from a scientific approach. To me that is balance. Science deals with the form we take here on this earth and the rest..the spiritual realm by the higher power or powers.

Yesterday after my meeting the impetus was strong to go see this healer and when I walked in to make an appointment she was free immediately (these people are often busy), it was like it was meant to be. I find that. When something is meant to be it flows and there is rarely a roadblock in sight.

Needless to say, she and I sat in a blaze of ‘energy’ that I found quite uplifting after a while, after she had done the healing part and helped by removing the chains or as she called it ‘the mass of balls and chains that have you completely bound, predominantly by the will of others’. She was right. There was alot she said that I had already knew to be true but I guess confirmation in an uncanny way was great.

We spoke about ‘this man’, Joe, and how I could not seem to kick him completely so I asked her how do I break this ridiculous hold he seemed to have over me. Apparently we had strong ties from several past lives (as I said, believe or not but I believe in reincarnation of sorts).

Now this was a bugger to break. Every time I tried to focus as required, eyes closed, hands linked something was doing it’s best to distract me. I had to really focus. Eventually, it happened and the lightness that came upon me at a certain moment was incredible. It made me feel lightheaded even for a time.

Now I don’t know exactly what shifted but as I walked out into the warmth and sunshine my brain felt less scattered and I had a sense of peace about things. Even this morning I have more certainty in what I need to do for myself and feel more grounded even though as I said, after the session I took myself off to lunch and had a few glasses of wine into the mix! Yesterday was a just go with the flow day!

So, I entered the Hotel’s restaurant, solo as I have done many times before. I like to eat out even on my own, I really do not mind my own company and inevitably I end up chatting with people around anyway. I travelled alot for many years and I love the spontaneity of talking to new and interesting people which you are often forced to do when you travel.

The waitress said “is it just you?” and in a slightly miffed moment I said “yes its JUST me”. Inside I was thinking ‘yes it is me only but I am not ‘just”!! Feisty.

After an overpriced and not very tasty lunch (the wine however, was nice), I went into the bar area where they have music videos and great chesterfield type couches and sat down to have another wine, listen to the music, write in my journal. I always carry it with me. It is a leather bound one I bought at Barnes and Noble in Gilbert, Arizona when ‘he’ had dropped me off on a lonely shopping trip to get out of the house because he was just too busy to spend time with me (and was giving me the cold shoulder on and off even by then, I never knew what face I was going to see each morning or if he would even talk to me) even though he said he would take time off when I flew over and never did.

Oh dear, I have just seen the time, I need to write part two later, perhaps tomorrow (Man-shed theory etc, its hilarious) as I have a lunch date again…yes, I have done my job search for the morning and I am not being light hearted about it all but yesterday I met someone and he wanted to take me to lunch and in the spirit of “go with the flow” I decided to say ‘yes’!….part two to follow:)

When you’re feeling stuck…the one trick pony..

I’m about to have a brain explosion. I had a bit of a conniption the other night after copious amounts of Dry Dirty Martini, boredom and had a tirade on Facebook. Luckily most of my FB friends are loyal and I think mainly understand where I come from when I do that but then again Facebook these days seems a bit like a lonely wasteland…cue dried prickle bushes blowing in the dusty Arizona desert…or crickets!

I’ve spent all morning on my laptop applying for jobs not just in Perth (Cue crickets again!!) but also in Sydney, yes I have decided that if nothing comes up pronto I will move back East as there are far more opportunities over there and I am going to work on my Biz idea in my spare time as I am still trying to refine and fill a few knowledge gaps. I need an income and there is no way you can survive on welfare here (don’t want it anyway, won’t do that!)

I know I need to be patient, I have only just become well again after a killer depression and an almost PTSD from the Narcissist (sounds extreme but apparently you can develop a form of it from narcissistic injury and I had years of it from my dad too so I came to realise that the obsessive return memories  were part of that and I had to work my arse off to get to a point where they do not haunt me anymore.)  Mum is finally getting better and needing my help less, my son’s illness is always on my mind but I can’t sit and wait for things to just occur. I need to make them happen. Life is too short to sit like a waiting duck……can’t do it anymore..this life has thrown me far too many curve balls, it’s time I start hitting them out of the park!

Sometimes when things seem to be going nowhere it’s hard not to sink into despair. Some of the issues in my life, the derailments stem from things that have been completely out of my control. But there are some things I can.

Right now Perth’s jobs market is bad. The city, is one of the most beautiful places in the world yet it’s heavy reliance on the resource industry makes it a one trick pony. As soon as Mining and resources goes south, as it has now, everything else does. So we alternate between boom and bust but the cost of living pretty much remains on boom because people are greedy here and have no idea about economics. And many then wonder why alot of businesses go bust, unemployment becomes rife and so does dissatisfaction about life here in general. I hate it. But my anchor here has always been my sons, it is so hard to stay here in ridiculously difficult circumstances because you love your kids yet also try make a good life for yourself with a decent job and an affordable place to live and some semblance of a social life. This city is so sprawled it is impossible to catch up with people regularly. Which only adds to the sense of isolation.

Then I struggle with the things I SHOULD do as opposed to the things I want to do, for me, to keep me upright and engaged in life….so after a struggle with that I made the decision to become unstuck by whatever method I must.

Sometimes there is good reason why you seem constantly in reactive mode rather than proactive. You feel overwhelmed and paralysed. You get stuck in fear, negativity and worry and you feel like ‘if only’, if only one thing would change..some chance or opportunity things would become so much better. But the only way you can combat that is to create your own change if it is not happening itself.

I can’t change the events that have occurred it is the past and obsessing too far into the future is a debilitating waste of time. But I can take steps in the now. Focus on what I want and need for my sanity, health and well being. Time to ‘get away from the funk’ .

Freaking fabulous at 49…stuff the lamb!

The last week or so I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but the wondrous thing is I now know why and I fully accept and embrace these days and the future which I know will be difficult at times but also marvelous. Because I said so.

I won’t reel off the list of crap that still exists in my life, it’s in previous posts and frankly I get sick of talking about it because it is what it is and everyone has problems of varying degrees. In some ways its enough to make a grown man cry but I know that the strength gained over time this year has enabled me to say “oh fuck it!” (sometimes the power of the expletive is the only way to create the impact!) and after a good bawl I pick myself back up again and go at it!

I have written alot about how I have moved past depression without medication this time and done it over a very challenging period of my life. One of the biggest changes and mechanisms for a stronger mind has been exercise, a good diet and supplements (including high strength fish oil, B group vitamins, Probiotics and Super Greens). Cliche but true. And I do have Joe to thank for the exercise thing..he was my initial impetus and he was very encouraging in our beginning…something to thank him for!

There is mounting evidence that regular and proper exercise has just as much (if not more) of an effect as antidepressants and I have to say, for me, it’s true. The natural boost from endorphin’s and the like seems to bring a clarity that allows me to put things more into perspective and help allay the rumination that so frequently wears away at you when you have mounting pressures and an impending feeling of doom.

You need to take into account what the root cause or causes may be and go to the heart of it and do the work. I know, I have been there. By no means do I belittle the fact that for some ‘chemical’ imbalance or physical cause is the root and that is when traditional methods; medication and therapy are still the most reliable way to stay upright.

And there are days when amongst it all your body just says ‘NUP’, no way, so you listen and give yourself the time to rest and nurture your aching spirit. IE give yourself some love and care. Have that glass of fabulous red (or several in my case!), sleep that extra hour if you can, read a good book, listen to some good tunes, whatever makes you feel in the moment and brings your energy back to centre.

I’m not trying to preach. There are many blogs out there doing that already. I am simply writing about my own experience and maybe if it works for me it may for someone else. I started this blog for that reason..catharsis and connection.

So it’s Friday and old habits die hard! Years of working in the city and Friday drinks and the excitement from the unwind still sit in my wiring even though I am not working at present (not through choice but circumstance and believe me that is temporary, I am damn sure of that now I am well again and the brain is in ‘go get’em’ mode!)

Funny story; I’ve been doing the dating thing, well not as fervently as recently because I have finally settled into my own groove and rather than try work through the quagmire of men who only want to ‘horizontal mambo’ straight off the bat (seriously, I don’t know if it is just Perth men but it feels like they are spoilt for choice and behave like insolent teenage boys needing their quick ejaculation at any cost…and they get it!…or in my case one guy, 3 years younger than me, who keeps texting me out of the blue…persistent bastard…probably because I won’t give it to him! He is slightly seedy in the sex department, he showed me by his behaviour after one coffee although he was an hilarious bastard as well! Which is the only reason I haven’t blocked him! What? I like a good belly laugh:).

Then there is a 35 yo who every time he opens his mouth I hear ‘waaaahhhh’ and realise why it is he is still single….he needs a mother figure and I guess at 49 I’m it temporarily but he did have some redeeming qualities…somewhere, although I haven’t heard from him for  2 days now after I told him his temper tantrums won’t work with me and frankly I don’t care if he doesn’t message again.

I did speak to the handsome Italian 52 yo I was dating recently this week, it seems we may keep some kind of friendship going as he had said. He is going through a difficult family thing right now (and dating on the side, I’m quite sure….I don;t think I was quite ‘adventurous’ enough for him in the sack…fervent but not adventurous!). And it is true what they say about the so called ‘quiet, gentlemanly ones’! 😉

I am damned serious; some of these men out there really want some seedy shit, they want the porn queen in the bed and the saint in the kitchen and man trying to keep up with this crap is tiring so I am happy to just ‘be’, have a laugh when I want and just enjoy my new sense of self and freedom. (Well partial freedom, I’m still caring for my mum although she is becoming more self sufficient now as her leg is healing and my son is….not as well as he has been…nature of the degenerative disease he has but there is still so much light in him even so and he is well cared for and is kept occupied which is good for him…I wish it could be me all the time but there is another story in that…so I have to get on with my life when I am able…keep connected to life outside of the issues and keep moving forward as best I can).

So yesterday, in the gym the young lass said to me’ how old are you?’ after I was talking about stuff and I said ’49’ and she said ‘no way, oh no way, my god I thought you were 40 at the most, look at your skin and your energy, you glow, my god if I look like you at that age I would be very happy, awesome”.

And I have to say I walked out of there with a big cheesy smile on my face and I realised that for all the crap there are also so many blessings and things to be grateful for…. and even though recently one date said he thought I was a modern hippy! I don’t know quite what he meant by that but hopefully not mutton dressed as lamb…damn it stuff the lamb…mutton is tastier…slow cooked! hahaha

Beyond it all..6 months on…I can hear Barbara!! hahaha

It occurred to me today that  it has been exactly 6 months since I got off the plane from my heartbreaking trip to the U.S and when I think about how devastated yet numb I was that day I still sometimes think…my god..did it really happened that way. Was that person really someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and held so high that I thought he could walk on water?

How could I have been so naive and fall for months of BS? The quick and lethal buildup; “This is our second chance, some people never even get a first”, “There is a reason we are here, lets take this chance now…I am not the kind that waits we need to do this now” “Can I tell you something? I LOVE YOU” (said in the 2nd week of our reconnect over the phone in a 2 hour phone conversation), “I am not comfortable with not speaking over the weekend; call me at 1pm your time” (said when I wanted to give him a break over a weekend because I knew he was having a party for his daughters birthday so I said we would speak on the Monday but he was having none of that and continued to message me through the ‘party’, if there really was one “The party feels naked without you” “I miss my hostess being by my side” “We should be doing this together, I imagine us doing everything together”) YADA YADA….

Sadly, there is so much more, that can’t be conveyed in these posts it was full on and fast and thick. IT WAS LIES, and manipulation crafted by a sociopathic narcissist whom I actually believe that he believed every word coming out of his mouth at that point in time…the classic first phase “Idealization” where they put you on a pedestal, make you the centre of their world, are in contact frequently showering you with praise and flattery and telling you you are so connected in so many ways, soul mates even….I remember Joe even said a number of times “Oh that’s so weird, did we just do that? We wrote to each other at the same time, so far across the water and yet”

I FELL FOR IT, ….HOOK… line and massive sinker in the end…!

I can laugh about it now, and I actually do. The pain is gone but it is replaced by embarrassment but only temporarily because I know I am not the only one who has experienced this ‘out of body’ situation. And I feel very sorry for the numbers of people not just women but men too who live for years in the crazy hell that is a narcissists world of “Idealization, devalue and discard” and in many cases horrific long term psychological abuse and very possibly physical too and many who stay in that hell for 20, 30 years….my god. I got off lightly.

As quoted by the blog the Thought catalog one of thousands of well written blogs of experience in this phenomenon;

The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, stonewalling you, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their extreme “standards.” Since the “hot” aspect of this phase relies on intermittent reinforcement in which the narcissist gives you inconsistent spurts of the idealization phase throughout, you become convinced that perhaps you are at fault and you can “control” the narcissist’s reactions.

And the lessons I have learned from it make it so worthwhile. It forced me to take a long hard look at my life. The depression that followed was tough. The first I had survived without medication in nearly 2 decades and I am so damn proud of myself for that. Grateful that my spirit never waned for very long although it threatened to.

It is hard for many to understand how it is difficult to ‘let go’ when you go through this type of experience. Unless you have been there I guess you never will. But, once through it and as a survivor it brings with it many wonderful things you learn about yourself and a strength you never thought you had. But I do have a slightly ‘crazy’ side to me and in a weird way I allow it out every now and then…to play…to entertain myself…sometimes I make up a more positive scenario where it was all some silly mistake and we find our way back to each other again…third time lucky! Yes, I know….don’t say it…think it, but don’t say it!

I still have days when I feel him. I still write to him (I know..in every instance you are told ‘no contact’ is the only way) but I know he doesn’t read my emails anyway (they probably go to spam, but they do go and are not ‘blocked’ as such) and in a sense I get to tell him what I feel and in some crazy way it helps. I even called him again the other day, in a drunken stupor, heard that caramel voice (yes I have a sick obsession with his voice) and left a phone message which I am sure he listens to and gets some weird thrill from the fact that I still seem under his spell. And he is controlling me without having to do anything…and from what I saw when I was with him…he LOVES CONTROL.

I sometimes wonder if this is the same as the sick world of bondage, discipline and masochism where people get a thrill out of being tied up and whipped, are yelled at and spoken down to and they love it, it excites them sexually. I remember watching a documentary on that crazy world on tele one day…there are whole industries around it and other ‘out there’ behaviour. I guess as long as you are not hurting anyone and there is mutual consent, why not if you are that way inclined.

So 6 months on…I hear Barbara “Memories…light the corners of my mind, misty watered coloured memories..of the way we were…..”….:)

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