There is never an easy way to break up with someone, it just sucks no matter the length of time and how much you think something has a chance of working. There are two in that equation.
I can’t believe myself sometimes. After everything that is going on and not going on and the bloodied experience I just went through with the narcissist, and my depression and other pieces of merde I still gave the dating thing a go. And there was hope, no scratch that…I STILL HAVE HOPE, AND FAITH that the universe has something wonderful in store for me around the corner and that if I hold myself upright and take one step forward everyday then everything is going to be better.
Last night, on the day my eldest son turned 21 (by god I am so very grateful he made it to 21, against the odds) I got a an uncomfortable text;
“Hi Roz hope all is well:) have been thinking about you and me and as much as we have had lots of fun together and I enjoy your company I’m not sure long term if your the girl for me…don’t know how you feel but I have been thinking about it alot:) I value your friendship and hope we can still have that xx”
And after telling him that I appreciate his honesty (I did say to him on the weekend that if he felt it wasn’t going to be it or he wanted to date others to just be honest with me as I would be with him and although that may sound heavy for a new thing I had to be true to me whether he liked it or not…looking after me finally..), I thought he was a lovely man (because, actually he was and even though we wined and dined, had some fantastic dates and had good nights in together and plenty of texts and calls…initiated by him, not me, I have learned my lessons about chasing a man! It was all in a very short space of time and I had only just started to feel something and he gave me the opportunity to nip it in the bud before it hurt and for that I am very grateful) and that yes we can still be friends (!) he said;
“Thanks for understanding I appreciate that…and you are a beautiful person too and I am glad that we can still remain friends xx”
and then after my reply;
“I felt it best now than later and like you said that once feelings get involved its always difficult..but I hope that we can maybe catch up from time to time xx”
Now the cynic and negative side of me..the BShitometer..the one that was negative through life patterning and experiences did emerge for a nanosecond and thought this;
“you want your cake and eat it to you bastard. You want to keep me there when you need a quick fuck or a fallback (which is fine by me because he did have a nice ….hmmm! And I just might want to do the same…what? I have needs too!!…madness )”
But that was a nanosecond, and the new me is trying to see things from a more positive side and well just learn to think and handle things differently, a change of mindset I have been working so hard on.
He was the type of guy that was all in very quickly, very attentive and loved to cuddle and kiss. Sweet really. And a bit naughty where it mattered! Our conversations flowed and we had alot in common. It seemed like a gift. But then yesterday it was over. Now I must admit I felt a bit yuk after reading the initial text. But this morning in the light of day I realise that instead of the old me..taking everything to heart and internalising it “what’s wrong with me?” “why am I not lovable” yada yada. I believe that this is yet another in a series of lessons that I must learn and that my capacity to turn this around in this difficult time (I still have many stresses financially.. and on the job/biz front..there is no work…my latest depression and time off has had a marked effect on my marketability, my son is deteriorating and I have no idea how much longer we have with this insidious bloody disease, I am still looking after an injured elderly mother and staying with her in a place where transport is barely existent which is either isolating (and when you have just recovered from a depression the last thing you need to be is isolated) or very costly in taxi fares, I still on some days think of and email the narcissist against all sanity because I guess I am hoping that he will give what we had together some dignity and care…I guess that is one thing I really need to completely cut off from and being with someone else gave me that mental space away from him…not the right way to do it but it worked and it was nice and I was willing to see where it might lead…openly and honestly..and perhaps therein lies part of the problem…he is still there not as much but is there and it shows even though I try hard for it not to.
After reading this back I am always mindful that there are many others worse off. I say that again and again but I know its true and I feel bad about how overwhelmed I feel at times.
But I have to get back on the horse and keep riding that sucker. I have to keep moving and standing upright. I must believe and hope…or at least fake it until I make it.
A quote well repeated in various forms but in its simplest “With every end there is a new beginning” says it best…I need to stay strong and look upwards…the universe will provide…love and whitelight x