As I wrote in my opening passage last night, in my drunken stupor! (I don’t do it very often anymore but yesterday was just one of those days when you say…stuff it!) I should not have written my blog last night. It revealed the side of me that does come out every now and then still but as I said it is based on learned responses and prior conditioning which as an adult we should be able to control to an extent…but the wine loosened my tongue and I let out a bit of what I had been feeling with added mass expletives! I abhor foul language, but sometimes in tirade it seems to come out like a Technicolor explosion!
I realise that although I have come a long way, dealt with alot of pain, I still have a way to go. Will I ever be rid of it all completely? Probably not, you can’t erase a life lived, good or bad. But you can choose to and work on making the remainder of your life the best it can be. Break the patterns long held. It takes work and persistence but it can be done.
I still feel everything very deeply, I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I am open and honest to a fault. That’s just me.
I find it difficult to trust yet when I do it is completely, but unfortunately my trust in Joe was very misguided and he broke me. Now when the opportunity for a new and wonderful relationship comes I go back into the mode I know; if it comes too easily then it doesn’t feel like there is chemistry and I only feel ‘chemistry’ and interest if I am chasing someone who doesn’t really want me anyway and I inevitably end up hurt or just being with the wrong person. But it’s what I know.
I am comfortable in the abandonment cycle, it hurts like hell but it is now second nature. I just want to be loved. I am chasing the ultimate prize…connection, real and lasting connection. But the more you chase it the more elusive it becomes.
It is as hard as hell to admit these things, especially publicly but it is part of working through the train wreck of my life past and building enough strength to be happy within myself and on my own. I know I am not the only one but unlike many I find it difficult to wear a mask…what you see is what you get.
I haven’t heard from this man now for 2 mornings. I now sit and feel that familiar feeling; insecurity and I want to cling like I am clinging to a life raft! A little of that is normal in any beginning of a relationship, the uncertainty, it is part of the fun of something new and exciting…the unknown aspect. But I don’t deal with it well and my reaction is probably what makes the other person run. I have no problem meeting them, its the keeping them! This time I have held my ground, I haven’t messaged or called him. It’s up to him. And if it isn’t meant to be then there is nothing more to be done. But I feel sad, I had a nice genuine, sincere feeling about him…but my heart can’t take anymore hurt.
My beautiful eldest son turns 21 on the 26th of this month. He was not supposed to make it to 21 but he has, against the odds. Albeit, as I have previously written he now struggles to talk and swallow and chew, and stand. He is on heavy duty pain killers that sometimes alter his personality too. He has always been a beautiful soul but the medicine makes him cranky at times. I don’t blame him, he still handles this thing with such dignity and strength. He is quite thin now. I love him more than life itself and wish there was something I could do to make him well again…I would gladly give my life for him…that tears at my soul.
Realistically, it probably isn’t the time for me to hope to have someone share my life because it is so complicated with looking after my mother, my son’s illness and no work available yet so income depleting at a rate of knots. I will get my business up one day. I will have a good partner in life. I will get through these trials. I WILL.