There is one heck of alot going on right now in my life and yet there isn’t much at all at the same time. Quite a dichotomy. But one thing I have realised this morning in particular is that although things are ridiculous and could quite possibly trigger or would have triggered a very poor state of mind leading to another bout of depression and other stuff associated with it my mind is still in a much better place than it has been for a long time, seems more resilient and bounces back, sans medication and irrespective of all the shit; i.e I am caring for an elderly mother right now just returned from a bout in hospital, she is illiterate and very ignorant (she was also part of a yucky childhood that I so fought to be rid of in these last months and to a great extent have done but there is still some residual mental torture there from it all). Our living arrangements are tenuous and she is a hoarder so I have had and still have a mammoth task to get rid of and organise things with regard to living arrangements etc. (I lost a large sum of money a number of years ago and I have been struggling alot ever since, swings and roundabouts and this city is incredibly expensive to live in).
My beautiful eldest son’s disease is progressing more rapidly now to the point where the other day when I finally got to see him after far too long (that in itself is a story, I would prefer to be the one caring for him but his father is very financial and has a much better environment for him and he is better off there but I miss him every day and it is hard for a mother to give up what comes naturally) he was unable to swallow, chew and talk properly, needs assistance to walk but is able to move with a small gopher vehicle using 1 hand and the other is now completely useless because of dystonia. His limbs are all twisting and soon he probably will be wheelchair bound if he doesn’t choke to death first. I have seen him choking in front of me a number of times and because of the nature of this disease there is not a bloody thing you can do about it…it is harrowing. But because he is no longer upright of his own accord he at least has not fallen and cracked his skull again for a long time now thank goodness. But amongst it all we still laugh together and he smiles alot and is so strong and absolutely amazing and I am incredibly proud he is my son. His younger brother is studying at University but he still finds the time to help his brother, love him and is an amazing brother and I am equally proud of him. But I know that I may lose him soon from this bastard disease and I hate it, it tears at me.
My contract, what little that was left was paid out and I guess that in itself at this time that was a good thing but months of illness myself has left me in a difficult position financially and workwise and after this small payout I can not get financial assistance for a while (til the money runs out) and I have chosen not to get a carer’s payment for many reasons; but one of them is that if I don’t get this business up and running (that is going to take some time as I have a few knowledge gaps I am working on at present..I am a bit behind the technology 8 ball, I wish I had the ability alot of young people have these days they know their shit about ‘digital’ and I am playing catch up constantly) and get a job in the meantime, at my age I will be forever on the poverty line and the thought of that scares the fuck out of me…but I am trying to use that as a motivator even though as those that have been reading my blog will know I have been struggling psychologically too. But I can’t give up. There are times I feel it would be easier and I did get close to a another spiral recently but I managed to fight it off, come back to being in the moment and now I realise that although I have had those times I am still able to get myself back up again…eventually over rule the negative self talk and anxiety and stress, sadness and despair and keep going and manage to smile too! Smiling is the bomb! What it represents is far more than we give it credit for!
Once again I say; I know there are many others with much greater struggles but mine are mine and they are real and challenging for me at times but I know I have good reason for feeling that way and recognising that helps. Trying to remain kind to yourself, patient with yourself, helps.
And unfortunately, that bout with the devil (I still think about whether it was all a bad dream and that we both misunderstood each other and I remember the good things and then I still feel like I love him at times and miss even talking to him and I long for those things to be real and for us to be able to at least talk to each other as friends even) but I know this is common when you love a narcissist they get into your psych and you are never the same again. And you can’t talk about it to people, they don’t believe you or just don’t understand, they think it’s you! If he was a normal person things wouldn’t have ended as they did and he would have at least talked things through, I know I have never taken this long to ‘get over’ a relationship and I somehow feel I will never completely forget him. I just wish it was a dream or bad mistake and that he was still in my life (sad, wrong, but true). But at least it doesn’t hurt me like it used to. The flashbacks and longing hasn’t quite stopped, it still tugs. I guess it will over a very long time. But I have enough to deal with and need to stay strong.
I forced myself back to the gym yesterday and am going to go almost daily if I can, it gives me a break from looking after mum and helps my mind. And I will go out and see friends when I can, I have to, staying connected is the key.
I need to write more again, I love writing, and I need to start reading others blogs again. It is one way to stay connected to others at times when I physically can’t. Love and white light x