I have just spent an hour on the phone to a Social worker who originally called to get information about facilitating my mothers return home after some days in hospital and they ended up counselling me, although I have a feeling they may have known I needed it, and my mum did say something to them apparently now I remember her saying. I was sobbing. After a nice run of feeling OK again and looking forward to “getting on with it” as so many put it, I am back in struggle street with my mind, things are just…
This person was good, she managed to ferret out a lot of what I must have been bottling in or what I thought I was handling but obviously I have been impatient with myself and just expecting too much. The last couple of days I have been really struggling. Even to the point where I contemplated ‘leaving’ again. It was only for a short time before I got my senses back again, I used my sons as my anchor again and it worked..even though for a brief moment in my complete despair I even thought they would be better off without me and I barely get to see them anyway these days.
The struggle, the fight with the mind and the negative self talk, the hating yourself for your weaknesses…that is the hardest part of this..I know medication may take the edge off for a while but inevitably for me it doesn’t work and makes me feel even worse..sounds strange but true.
When I reeled off all the things that are contributing to my state of mind she said ‘My god, you have every right to be feeling so overwhelmed look at what you are and have been dealing with’.
But I remember last night watching a tv show about the women being rescued who had been captured in the middle east by isis and how many have endured unspeakable torture, rape and even death of family members. They blurred vision of one woman who was stoned to death by her ‘bastard’ captors those isis bastards and even her own father helped and I felt such anger and hatred for those men and felt incredibly guilty that I even felt any difficulty with my situation…that is what happens with me..I feel everything so deeply and I want to help people but I am not even capable of keeping myself upright for any long length of time at present…and I desperately need to.
I know the fact that I haven’t exercised for 2 weeks and have had a few more drinks than I usually allow myself these days hasn’t helped, it really is a viable alternative to the medication I have found that but you must be extremely consistent with it and also combine with CBT and other therapies and keep it up. I was almost there. Then I had another period of not being able to get the narcissist out of my head and the whole scenario, the trust I had put in him, the love and the hope and realising how stupid I had been and going over the whole association with him from when I was 16 to the reconnect over a year ago now and how things started and then the psychological games he played that I hand;t realised until it was too late and I was hooked. And how I can’t talk to people about it because after so long as someone said to me recently whom I dared to mention it too “JUST GET OVER IT” it’s time, etc. People don’t understand how devastating and psychologically damaging an association with a narcissist can be especially when they are so covert about their actions, and the devalue and discard can be brutal. That coupled with my complete mental strip down over the last months, dealing with old abuse issues etc its left me not liking many people at all. Even though I do feel for what I see in the news etc daily. I started to just not want to talk to people again. I got on Facebook and it probably looked OK to people on there but that was almost all I could handle in dealing with people. Right now, the way I am feeling I feel so disappointed with most human beings and there is something wrong with that I know but it is just how I feel.
Writing this publicly may or may not help but writing it out like this seems to…a little
How do you rise above that way of thinking?
I am feeling quite dizzy right now, I need to rest….