It’s been a while since I have written and probably a good thing. There has been a myriad of shit running in my head and mind AND life. Isn’t there always something? I got to a point yesterday again where I felt..ohh shit WHY AM I HERE? Yes it happens still. But less frequently, and I have had many good good days. Isn’t life like that? Up and down. Isn’t that normal?
I am quite inebriated right now, I watched my beloved AFL (Aussie rules football team) get their arse kicked royally today…sadly..BUT at least they got there, to the GF (the Grand final). And they did try but I think we were just too West Australian.
It was almost compensatory in some weird way, it made me happy for a small window of time and made me proud of my city and where I live currently and was born. Aside from that I would prefer not to be here…living in Perth that is.
It’s expensive, parochial, the people, well alot of them, seem to think we are a very special species, exceedingly good at everything, financially secure (at least via credit card and inflated asset values!), smart, gorgeous…there is just a damned attitude here. But I guess when you are the most isolated and admittedly one of the most beautiful cities in the world, you can kind of understand it. The people I used to know, I don’t seem to hold to any commonalities with anymore. It’s not sad, it just is. I just can’t see things the way they do. And that will isolate me more.
I have, as written previously just come out of a difficult time. But it is nowhere near as difficult as others out there. Unfortunately I have found myself feeling ‘stuck’. I now feel stronger and more able to move forward and yet I look around at what is out there…in this vicinity.. and I say to myself…really?
With the change I went through, my psych said “you have pretty much stripped back everything you have known for many years, everything”
It’s true, I feel that. I did recently, out of complete boredom and frustration and slight drunkenness, email and call and leave a message with the narcissist I was in love with. I still see him constantly in my mind. Is that why the medical profession prefer us to take medication? How else do we handle the ridiculous psychological torture from a person that rocks our world so profoundly that we find it hard to see a life without them even thoughw e know they are completely wrong for us and will not give us, are not capable of giving us or any other human being what could be construed as a normal and loving, caring relationship? Even if they have managed to inseminate someone and produce satanic spawn, not of the poor child’s doing but the very act of producing from two obviously intensely flawed individuals..ie like my parents…egads…what hope has the world?
I am waffling. I know it. And I fully intended to NOT ever write this blog again. It has too many memories of things that I have ‘let go’ or maybe not quite. Originally my intentions were good with this blog, and it did help, but now?
As I keep reading, there seems to be a barrage of good advice and intention to help the world by bloggers everywhere. And that is a good thing too, yet, I still feel substance lacking…maybe its just me.
Anyway, I need to end this right now, I just want to listen to some good music and feel somewhat happy and immersed in ‘culture’, poetry, beauty…for a little while. Or what I can here and in this moment. I have been out alot lately which is a change for me considering my months of relative isolation, depression etc, but it seems to do not alot for me…what? Do I do?