Fruitloop central….It’s a jungle out there…madness..sheer madness

Right now is yet again not an ideal time to write this blog but I am going to because besides needing to distract myself for so many reasons; because life is a bit challenging at present as my previous posts have described and I still have moments when I feel like I should be in a straight jacket and heavily dosed!! (And I have not yet reached the ability to do the saintly thing and volunteer at a homeless shelter or some other wonderful act of humanity that I always feel guilty about not doing but I simply can’t just yet. Paid work would help immensely but there is still nothing….and having a wonderful day with my son yesterday yet seeing him struggle in front of me to eat and swallow is somewhat affecting me psychologically too…but I am trying to hang in there and keep it together).

It’s about keeping good thoughts rather than allowing the negative to overtake..it takes diligence and practice.

Yesterday, for some hours I felt at peace, with my beautiful boy and being able to hold him and love him..it seems like the only time lately that I feel totally at peace….like being wrapped in a wonderfully warm soft  blanket in the middle of winter.

When he is gone, then it is me, just me and all the things I must deal with and most of the time I feel strong enough now but I must admit that after he left I cried…for a long time knowing the inevitable….

So in my crazy, madness I went back online and reactivated my dating membership and immediately got a nice message from someone who contacted me prior to my short weeks of dating the man who just nicely broke it off….

Or so I thought it was nicely. I had the trail of our initial contact in my inbox and it showed that he had already reactivated prior to me (yes that bloody wonderful feature of time and date stamp that some dating sites have…ugghh).

Fair enough, I thought, he did have the courtesy to tell me he didn’t think I was the one, long term and as I  had asked let me down before it was too late…got to appreciate that! Don’t you?!

This morning I went back on to answer a message that had been sent and I see he has deactivated his profile again, which was something he did when he first started dating me and of course my immediate reaction was one of sting…jesus..he’s moved on already and found someone just like he did with me a few weeks back….the guys a fast mover…

Or is he? had he already had in mind that he would get what he wanted out of us and keep the ‘date’ he supposedly cancelled when he started dating me in reach and now he was seeing her…maybe concurrently..is he a serial dater the one that uses this dating tactic to create a social life and an constant stream of ‘physical intimacy’ on tap so to speak?

Or am I just a freakish cynical biatch because I have been hurt recently, so my trust is at an all time low.

My wonderful narcissist once drawled at me “man, you think too much”. !

I do believe that was probably one of the most truthful things he ever said to me. I do think, I think about things from various perspectives, I think alot. But I do have alot to think about.

So…the marvelous world of dating in your almost 50’s (I am still 49, so I am not claiming 50 just yet!). And the dating landscape to boot!

IT’S A FREAKIN JUNGLE OUT THERE…AYE CARUMBA

In previous posts I have mentioned the different types I have come across; cougar hunters, commitment phobes, men who say they have sorted their shit and believe me they haven’t (but who am I to judge?!), narcs, weaklings or ‘big girls blouses’ …..ISH…

The old way of dating or finding a mate just doesn’t seem to exist anymore…it just seems so bloody hard now…

But I believe in love…still…I believe that as much as it is wonderful to find yourself and be comfortable being on your own and in your company, being independent and free. Deep down, I still believe there is a beautiful love out there for everyone. A person to share your life journey with, your experiences and ultimately your twilight years….

No matter what is going on around me…I still believe and I won’t give up the dream….right now I am smiling to myself thinking how crazy I am…but thinking this way just helps..it means you are not giving up on one of the best things in life…

LOVE

Love and white light xxx

The gentle break up…back on the horse! Hope and faith…

There is never an easy way to break up with someone, it just sucks no matter the length of time and how much you think something has a chance of working. There are two in that equation.

I can’t believe myself sometimes. After everything that is going on and not going on and the bloodied experience I just went through with the narcissist, and my depression and other pieces of merde I still gave the dating thing a go. And there was hope, no scratch that…I STILL HAVE HOPE, AND FAITH that the universe has something wonderful in store for me around the corner and that if I hold myself upright and take one step forward everyday then everything is going to be better.

Last night, on the day my eldest son turned 21 (by god I am so very grateful he made it to 21, against the odds) I got a an uncomfortable text;

“Hi Roz hope all is well:) have been thinking about you and me and as much as we have had lots of fun together and I enjoy your company I’m not sure long term if your the girl for me…don’t know how you feel but I have been thinking about it alot:) I value your friendship and hope we can still have that xx”

And after telling him that I appreciate his honesty (I did say to him on the weekend that if he felt it wasn’t going to be it or he wanted to date others to just be honest with me as I would be with him and although that may sound heavy for a new thing I had to be true to me whether he liked it or not…looking after me finally..), I thought he was a lovely man (because, actually he was and even though we wined and dined, had some fantastic dates and had good nights in together and plenty of texts and calls…initiated by him, not me, I have learned my lessons about chasing a man! It was all in a very short space of time and I had only just started to feel something and he gave me the opportunity to nip it in the bud before it hurt and for that I am very grateful) and that yes we can still be friends (!) he said;

“Thanks for understanding I appreciate that…and you are a beautiful person too and I am glad that we can still remain friends xx”

and then after my reply;

“I felt it best now than later and like you said that once feelings get involved its always difficult..but I hope that we can maybe catch up from time to time xx”

Now the cynic and negative side of me..the BShitometer..the one that was negative through life patterning and experiences did emerge for a nanosecond and thought this;

“you want your cake and eat it to you bastard. You want to keep me there when you need a quick fuck or a fallback (which is fine by me because he did have a nice ….hmmm! And I just might want to do the same…what? I have needs too!!…madness )”

But that was a nanosecond, and the new me is trying to see things from a more positive side and well just learn to think and handle things differently, a change of mindset I have been working so hard on.

He was the type of guy that was all in very quickly, very attentive and loved to cuddle and kiss. Sweet really. And a bit naughty where it mattered! Our conversations flowed and we had alot in common. It seemed like a gift. But then yesterday it was over.  Now I must admit I felt a bit yuk after reading the initial text. But this morning in the light of day I realise that instead of the old me..taking everything to heart and internalising it “what’s wrong with me?” “why am I not lovable” yada yada.  I believe that this is yet another in a series of lessons that I must learn and that my capacity to turn this around in this difficult time (I still have many stresses financially.. and on the job/biz front..there is no work…my latest depression and time off has had a marked effect on my marketability, my son is deteriorating and I have no idea how much longer we have with this insidious bloody disease, I am still looking after an injured elderly mother and staying with her in a place where transport is barely existent which is either isolating (and when you have just recovered from a depression the last thing you need to be is isolated) or very costly in taxi fares, I still on some days think of and email the narcissist against all sanity because I guess I am hoping that he will give what we had together some dignity and care…I guess that is one thing I really need to completely cut off from and being with someone else gave me that mental space away from him…not the right way to do it but it worked and it was nice and I was willing to see where it might lead…openly and honestly..and perhaps therein lies part of the problem…he is still there not as much but is there and it shows even though I try hard for it not to.

After reading this back I am always mindful that there are many others worse off. I say that again and again but I know its true and I feel bad about how overwhelmed I feel at times.

But I have to get back on the horse and keep riding that sucker. I have to keep moving and standing upright. I must believe and hope…or at least fake it until I make it.

A quote well repeated in various forms but in its simplest “With every end there is a new beginning” says it best…I need to stay strong and look upwards…the universe will provide…love and whitelight x

Oh dear! ….Excuse the mass expletives…baring the soul

As I wrote in my opening passage last night, in my drunken stupor! (I don’t do it very often anymore but yesterday was just one of those days when you say…stuff it!) I should not have written my blog last night. It revealed the side of me that does come out every now and then still but as I said it is based on learned responses and prior conditioning which as an adult we should be able to control to an extent…but the wine loosened my tongue and I let out a bit of what I had been feeling with added mass expletives! I abhor foul language, but sometimes in tirade it seems to come out like a Technicolor explosion!

I realise that although I have come a long way, dealt with alot of pain, I still have a way to go. Will I ever be rid of it all completely? Probably not, you can’t erase a life lived, good or bad. But you can choose to and work on making the remainder of your life the best it can be. Break the patterns long held. It takes work and persistence but it can be done.

I still feel everything very deeply, I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I am open and honest to a fault. That’s just me.

I find it difficult to trust yet when I do it is completely, but unfortunately my trust in Joe was very misguided and he broke me. Now when the opportunity for a new and wonderful relationship comes I go back into the mode I know; if it comes too easily then it doesn’t feel like there is chemistry and I only feel ‘chemistry’ and interest if I am chasing someone who doesn’t really want me anyway and I inevitably end up hurt or just being with the wrong person. But it’s what I know.

I am comfortable in the abandonment cycle, it hurts like hell but it is now second nature. I just want to be loved. I am chasing the ultimate prize…connection, real and lasting connection. But the more you chase it the more elusive it becomes.

It is as hard as hell to admit these things, especially publicly but it is part of working through the train wreck of my life past and building enough strength to be happy within myself and on my own. I know I am not the only one but unlike many I find it difficult to wear a mask…what you see is what you get.

I haven’t heard from this man now for 2 mornings. I now sit and feel that familiar feeling; insecurity and I want to cling like I am clinging to a life raft! A little of that is normal in any beginning of a relationship, the uncertainty, it is part of the fun of something new and exciting…the unknown aspect. But I don’t deal with it well and my reaction is probably what makes the other person run. I have no problem meeting them, its the keeping them! This time I have held my ground, I haven’t messaged or called him. It’s up to him. And if it isn’t meant to be then there is nothing more to be done. But I feel sad, I had a nice genuine, sincere feeling about him…but my heart can’t take anymore hurt.

My beautiful eldest son turns 21 on the 26th of this month. He was not supposed to make it to 21 but he has, against the odds. Albeit, as I have previously written he now struggles to talk and swallow and chew, and stand. He is on heavy duty pain killers that sometimes alter his personality too. He has always been a beautiful soul but the medicine makes him cranky at times. I don’t blame him, he still handles this thing with such dignity and strength. He is quite thin now. I love him more than life itself and wish there was something I could do to make him well again…I would gladly give my life for him…that tears at my soul.

Realistically, it probably isn’t the time for me to hope to have someone share my life because it is so complicated with looking after my mother, my son’s illness and no work available yet so income depleting at a rate of knots. I will get my business up one day. I will have a good partner in life. I will get through these trials. I WILL.

Perschonkered and the bullshitometer…!

Oh hell, I shouldn’t be writing this right now. I am officially pershonkered (pissed..drunk..depends on where you are!!)..Yes its midweek! Yes it’s 9.30pm..I got a good start and it was not my intention. AND only 15 minutes ago I made a call to America..WHAT THE FUCK WAS i THINKING?

But it was a little….ahhh bejesus..a song that that DEMON fuckhead bastard c..tface (forgive me lord but when I am angry at someone….) made as part of a tape years ago for me. I do, like the songs. It reminded me and I felt the need to say, I am sad about what happened and HAVE A GOOD FUCKING LIFE YOU SHITHEAD BASTARD, well, I did say have a good life!

I am sitting here scratching my head , there is so much I could say, but, well at least I must say; there are some wonderful things happening at present and yet, inevitably when you put your faith in human beings they let you down…c’est la vie!

So, irrespective of the f..n crap…I have managed to find a nice man and we are sorting and getting to know each other right now. We have had several dates in a very short space in time, it’s been practically every second day, the most amazing and wahoo dates…wining dining great conversation, surprising mutual interests yadda and in between he messages me good morning and good night etc, manages to tell me he is thinking of me…until today…

Today, is the first day out of several, many, and my head straight away goes into the mode that it has a set pattern for; he is out of reach…withdrawing…you need to grasp…attach…fear, freak out he is leaving you because you are not worthy, you never have been, lasting conditioning of the past. CONDITIONING

It wasn’t until I read another of my psychology books..Susan Anderson, Taming the Outer Child and the chapter about relationships that she reminded me that those of us who have been blessed (!) with experiences of abuse, psychological, narcissistic, physical and other wonderful pieces of crap in our lives develop neural pathways and rehearsed responses and reactions to new similar stimuli and we react according to those experiences. It takes awareness..to move forward and out of that.

I fully believe for example that Joe, being the very intelligent cerebral narcissist that he was knew exactly who he was dealing with and what he was doing and he psychologically got me at the right time, and I trusted him because of  a past belief, experience of him. I have always been considered a reasonably intelligent woman, not quite Mensa, but street wise on top of clever, smart. But that fucker got into my mind and he knew what he was doing.

And because of the legacy of that raving fucking Narcissistic bastard and past history it totally fucked me..until recently…UNTIL…recently

So I met this ‘lovely’ man. It has been an amazing time in such a small space in time, he has been like a gift and totally reminded me that there are good men out there, and good relationships…well…so far…

But I have to say, I now have a built in BULLSHitometer and I can’t help but be cynical..learnt responses that we need to be aware of to move forward.

Is that Joe and others legacy, do I allow that BS to dictate my future

I haven’t heard from this beautiful man today..only one day out of so many that he has shown me his thoughts about me, his care and respect.

I have also come to realise that when a man wants to be with you he will make that next date, book that time or try, there is no such thing as mixed signals, that is just us fucking women and our BS….

So I guess, if he doesn’t come back, irrespective of his prior actions and professions….I just fucking move on, without internalising rejection….for the first time in my life?

YES…I do..it’s called self awareness and strength. The belief in yourself as a worthy and lovable human being…irrespective of your conditioning and experiences…love yourself..not narcissisticaly..just self respect and healthy self esteem..not selfies every minute of the day, just a sense of self…rising above all the crap….lovenwhitelight xx

Amongst the merde….thank you Universe

It’s funny how in the midst of all that is going and just when you think things are just ‘merde’ (french for excrement) all of a sudden the universe steps in and says I really am on your side, you just need to have faith!

I’ve been busy looking after my mum, she is currently in ‘peel me a grape’ mode but I really don’t mind anymore, I have made my peace with the past and let it go, finally. I have been a bit frustrated and sad about the fact that my son’s illness is progressing and there is not a damn thing I can do about and it in itself threatened to derail me but with effort, exercise and other things I am feeling the best I have felt in quite a while.

And there is still a worry about trying to get work sorted or start this business I have been trying to for a while but I am starting to realise that things happen when they are meant to and sometimes it is not until you really open your eyes you can see the minor miracles you get in life, the times that make you smile like a Cheshire cat and you finally appreciate life’s journey.

I decided amongst all the crap to join a dating site, yes, even though I had chaos going on around me I thought why not? Just out of the blue. Not an altogether sane thing to do when life is a bit messy. Not your casual hook up site but a slightly more genuine one, if you can really say that about dating sites! Something needed to take me out of the ‘I think I still love that raving narcissist even though he hurt me bad’ holding pattern I was in in my mind, and I had worked hard to try purge myself of. And for a while now I have felt it would be lovely to have a nice man in my life even after what I went through with ‘the devil’, someone to share the journey with. So I joined with the mindset that if its meant to be it will be. No rush, no fuss.

So, I managed to talk to a number of fairly nice men, just talk, I wrote some pretty straight up things in my profile and thought ‘that will sort the wheat from the chaf!’ nutters, twats and arrogant arseholes need not apply kind of thing but in a more subtle way.

Blow me down, all of a sudden a good one came…someone who has made me see that there are really some decent men out there that know how to treat a woman, right down to opening the car door for her…chivalry is not dead thank f..ck!

We have gone on some marvelous dates and are really enjoying the getting to know one another, but it feels like and it is mutual we have both found a real connection. It is easy, not hard. It is how it should be, relationships should not be hard. And last night we finally crossed the threshold (!) and by god it was worth the wait! Both of us wanted to wait but our feelings were so strong (both of us, in unison not just one of us in our head!) and it is the most wonderful way to express your feelings for someone. I am smiling…like the Cheshire Cat!

Now I know it is early days, and I have made some really stupid choices in men in my life and my past was a very big reason why I got myself there but these months of working on myself have paid off and I was very prepared to take things incredibly slow and let it go if it wasn’t right. I still am, I have learnt my lessons and I will not ever allow someone into my life that doesn’t consider me and treat me right. I would rather be on my own than bother with that and that is a giant leap for me considering my past history….for my new found sense of self after all this time, I am grateful.

As I write this he has just sent me a text ‘Good morning xxxx’, simple but thoughtful. He is like that. I appreciate that so. He smiles a beautiful smile and it is genuine. It’s a feeling you get and you just know. I hadn’t REALLY felt it before but with him I can. With him I smile, really smile. And we laugh alot. Our conversations are open and honest and no subject is taboo. I have always been open and very honest (to a fault), but it is nice to have that reciprocated and know that it comes from a good place…a true place. After these many tough months there is a warmth and happiness in my life again and I am going to cherish it for how ever long it lasts.

I started writing this well over an hour ago and just after I wrote the above paragraph he called me and we have been on the phone  for a fair while. We are catching up again tomorrow, its soon and appears to be becoming regular which is bloody marvelous but also kind of scary too, but in a good way….I guess time will tell…..love and white light x

Realising the difference…. stay in the moment…it still tugs..

There is one heck of alot going on right now in my life and yet there isn’t much at all at the same time. Quite a dichotomy. But one thing I have realised this morning in particular is that although things are ridiculous and could quite possibly trigger or would have triggered a very poor state of mind leading to another bout of depression and other stuff associated with it my mind is still in a much better place than it has been for a long time, seems more resilient and bounces back, sans medication and irrespective of all the shit; i.e I am caring for an elderly mother right now just returned from a bout in hospital, she is illiterate and very ignorant (she was also part of a yucky childhood that I so fought to be rid of in these last months and to a great extent have done but there is still some residual mental torture there from it all). Our living arrangements are tenuous and she is a hoarder so I have had and still have a mammoth task to get rid of and organise things  with regard to living arrangements etc. (I lost a large sum of money a number of years ago and I have been struggling alot ever since, swings and roundabouts and this city is incredibly expensive to live in).

My beautiful eldest son’s disease is progressing more rapidly now to the point where the other day when I finally got to see him after far too long (that in itself is a story, I would prefer to be the one caring for him but his father is very financial and has a much better environment for him and he is better off there but I miss him every day and it is hard for a mother to give up what comes naturally) he was unable to swallow, chew and talk properly, needs assistance to walk but is able to move with a small gopher vehicle using 1 hand and the other is now completely useless because of dystonia. His limbs are all twisting and soon he probably will be wheelchair bound if he doesn’t choke to death first. I have seen him choking in front of me a number of times and because of the nature of this disease there is not a bloody thing you can do about it…it is harrowing. But because he is no longer upright of his own accord he at least has not fallen and cracked his skull again for a long time now thank goodness.  But amongst it all we still laugh together and he smiles alot and is so strong and absolutely amazing and I am incredibly proud he is my son. His younger brother is studying at University but he still finds the time to help his brother, love him and is an amazing brother and I am equally proud of him. But I know that I may lose him soon from this bastard disease and I hate it, it tears at me.

My contract, what little that was left was paid out and I guess that in itself at this time that was a good thing but months of illness myself has left me in a difficult position financially and workwise and after this small payout I can not get financial assistance for a while (til the money runs out) and I have chosen not to get a carer’s payment for many reasons; but one of them is that if I don’t get this business up and running (that is going to take some time as I have a few knowledge gaps I am working on at present..I am a bit behind the technology 8 ball, I wish I had the ability alot of young people have these days they know their shit about ‘digital’ and I am playing catch up constantly) and get a job in the meantime, at my age I will be forever on the poverty line and the thought of that scares the fuck out of me…but I am trying to use that as a motivator even though as those that have been reading my blog will know I have been struggling psychologically too. But I can’t give up. There are times I feel it would be easier and I did get close to a another spiral recently but I managed to fight it off, come back to being in the moment and now I realise that although I have had those times I am still able to get myself back up again…eventually over rule the negative self talk and anxiety and stress, sadness and despair and keep going and manage to smile too! Smiling is the bomb! What it represents is far more than we give it credit for!

Once again I say; I know there are many others with much greater struggles but mine are mine and they are real and challenging for me at times but I know I have good reason for feeling that way and recognising that helps. Trying to remain kind to yourself, patient with yourself, helps.

And unfortunately, that bout with the devil (I still think about whether it was all a bad dream and that we both misunderstood each other and I remember the good things and then I still feel like I love him at times and miss even talking to him and I long for those things to be real and for us to be able to at least talk to each other as friends even) but I know this is common when you love a narcissist they get into your psych and you are never the same again. And you can’t talk about it to people, they don’t believe you or just don’t understand, they think it’s you!  If he was a normal person things wouldn’t have ended as they did and he would have at least talked things through, I know I have never taken this long to ‘get over’ a relationship and I somehow feel I will never completely forget him. I just wish it was a dream or bad mistake and that he was still in my life (sad, wrong, but true). But at least it doesn’t hurt me like it used to. The flashbacks and longing hasn’t quite stopped, it still tugs. I guess it will over a very long time. But I have enough to deal with and need to stay strong.

I forced myself back to the gym yesterday and am going to go almost daily if I can, it gives me a break from looking after mum and helps my mind. And I will go out and see friends when I can, I have to, staying connected is the key.

I need to write more again, I love writing, and I need to start reading others blogs again. It is one way to stay connected to others at times when I physically can’t.  Love and white light x

When you’ve tried but it threatens to overtake you again…

I have just spent an hour on the phone to a Social worker who originally called to get information about facilitating my mothers return home after some days in hospital and they ended up counselling me, although I have a feeling they may have known I needed it, and my mum did say something to them apparently now I remember her saying. I was sobbing. After a nice run of feeling OK again and looking forward to “getting on with it” as so many put it, I am back in struggle street with my mind, things are just…

This person was good, she managed to ferret out a lot of what I must have been bottling in or what I thought I was handling but obviously I have been impatient with myself and just expecting too much. The last couple of days I have been really struggling. Even to the point where I contemplated ‘leaving’ again. It was only for a short time before I got my senses back again, I used my sons as my anchor again and it worked..even though for a brief moment in my complete despair I even thought they would be better off without me and I barely get to see them anyway these days.

The struggle, the fight with the mind and the negative self talk, the hating yourself for your weaknesses…that is the hardest part of this..I know medication may take the edge off for a while but inevitably for me it doesn’t work and makes me feel even worse..sounds strange but true.

When I reeled off all the things that are contributing to my state of mind she said ‘My god, you have every right to be feeling so overwhelmed look at what you are and have been dealing with’.

But I remember last night watching a tv show about the women being rescued who had been captured in the middle east by isis and how many have endured unspeakable torture, rape and even death of family members. They blurred vision of one woman who was stoned to death by her ‘bastard’ captors those isis bastards and even her own father helped and I felt such anger and hatred for those men and felt incredibly guilty that I even felt any difficulty with my situation…that is what happens with me..I feel everything so deeply and I want to help people but I am not even capable of keeping myself upright for any long length of time at present…and I desperately need to.

I know the fact that I haven’t exercised for 2 weeks and have had a few more drinks than I usually allow myself these days hasn’t helped, it really is a viable alternative to the medication I have found that but you must be extremely consistent with it and also combine with CBT and other therapies and keep it up. I was almost there. Then I had another period of not being able to get the narcissist out of my head and the whole scenario, the trust I had put in him, the love and the hope and realising how stupid I had been and going over the whole association with him from when I was 16 to the reconnect over a year ago now and how things started and then the psychological games he played that I hand;t realised until it was too late and I was hooked.  And how I can’t talk to people about it because after so long as someone said to me recently whom I dared to mention it too “JUST GET OVER IT” it’s time, etc. People don’t understand how devastating and psychologically damaging an association with a narcissist can be especially when they are so covert about their actions, and the devalue and discard can be brutal. That coupled with my complete mental strip down over the last months, dealing with old abuse issues etc its left me not liking many people at all. Even though I do feel for what I see in the news etc daily.  I started to just not want to talk to people again. I got on Facebook and it probably looked OK to people on there but that was almost all I could handle in dealing with people. Right now, the way I am feeling I feel so disappointed with most human beings and there is something wrong with that I know but it is just how I feel.

Writing this publicly may or may not help but writing it out like this seems to…a little

How do you rise above that way of thinking?

I am feeling quite dizzy right now, I need to rest….

the arbitrary left of centre…what is this BS?!

oscar-wilde-dramatist-i-sometimes-think-that-god-in-creating-man

It’s been a while since I have written and probably a good thing. There has been a myriad of shit running in my head and mind AND life. Isn’t there always something? I got to a point yesterday again where I felt..ohh shit WHY AM I HERE? Yes it happens still. But less frequently, and I have had many good good days. Isn’t life like that? Up and down. Isn’t that normal?

I am quite inebriated right now, I watched my beloved AFL (Aussie rules football team) get their arse kicked royally today…sadly..BUT at least they got there, to the GF (the Grand final). And they did try but I think we were just too West Australian.

It was almost compensatory in some weird way, it made me happy for a small window of time and made me proud of my city and where I live currently and was born. Aside from that I would prefer not to be here…living in Perth that is.

It’s expensive, parochial, the people, well alot of them, seem to think we are a very special species, exceedingly good at everything, financially secure (at least via credit card and inflated asset values!), smart, gorgeous…there is just a damned attitude here. But I guess when you are the most isolated and admittedly one of the most beautiful cities in the world, you can kind of understand it. The people I used to know, I don’t seem to hold to any commonalities with anymore. It’s not sad, it just is. I just can’t see things the way they do. And that will isolate me more.

I have, as written previously just come out of a difficult time. But it is nowhere near as difficult as others out there. Unfortunately I have found myself feeling ‘stuck’. I now feel stronger and more able to move forward and yet I look around at what is out there…in this vicinity.. and I say to myself…really?

With the change I went through, my psych said “you have pretty much stripped back everything you have known for many years, everything”

It’s true, I feel that. I did recently, out of complete boredom and frustration and slight drunkenness, email and call and leave a message with the narcissist I was in love with. I still see him constantly in my mind. Is that why the medical profession prefer us to take medication? How else do we handle the ridiculous psychological torture from a person that rocks our world so profoundly that we find it hard to see a life without them even thoughw e know they are completely wrong for us and will not give us, are not capable of giving us or any other human being what could be construed as a normal and loving, caring  relationship? Even if they have managed to inseminate someone and produce satanic spawn, not of the poor child’s doing but the very act of producing from two obviously intensely flawed individuals..ie like my parents…egads…what hope has the world?

I am waffling. I know it. And I fully intended to NOT ever write this blog again. It has too many memories of things that I have ‘let go’ or maybe not quite. Originally my intentions were good with this blog, and it did help, but now?

As I keep reading, there seems to be a barrage of good advice and intention to help the world by bloggers everywhere. And that is a good thing too, yet, I still feel substance lacking…maybe its just me.

Anyway, I need to end this right now, I just want to listen to some good music and feel somewhat happy and immersed in ‘culture’, poetry, beauty…for a little while. Or what I can here and in this moment. I have been out alot lately which is a change for me considering my months of relative isolation, depression etc, but it seems to do not alot for me…what? Do I do?