Right now is yet again not an ideal time to write this blog but I am going to because besides needing to distract myself for so many reasons; because life is a bit challenging at present as my previous posts have described and I still have moments when I feel like I should be in a straight jacket and heavily dosed!! (And I have not yet reached the ability to do the saintly thing and volunteer at a homeless shelter or some other wonderful act of humanity that I always feel guilty about not doing but I simply can’t just yet. Paid work would help immensely but there is still nothing….and having a wonderful day with my son yesterday yet seeing him struggle in front of me to eat and swallow is somewhat affecting me psychologically too…but I am trying to hang in there and keep it together).
It’s about keeping good thoughts rather than allowing the negative to overtake..it takes diligence and practice.
Yesterday, for some hours I felt at peace, with my beautiful boy and being able to hold him and love him..it seems like the only time lately that I feel totally at peace….like being wrapped in a wonderfully warm soft blanket in the middle of winter.
When he is gone, then it is me, just me and all the things I must deal with and most of the time I feel strong enough now but I must admit that after he left I cried…for a long time knowing the inevitable….
So in my crazy, madness I went back online and reactivated my dating membership and immediately got a nice message from someone who contacted me prior to my short weeks of dating the man who just nicely broke it off….
Or so I thought it was nicely. I had the trail of our initial contact in my inbox and it showed that he had already reactivated prior to me (yes that bloody wonderful feature of time and date stamp that some dating sites have…ugghh).
Fair enough, I thought, he did have the courtesy to tell me he didn’t think I was the one, long term and as I had asked let me down before it was too late…got to appreciate that! Don’t you?!
This morning I went back on to answer a message that had been sent and I see he has deactivated his profile again, which was something he did when he first started dating me and of course my immediate reaction was one of sting…jesus..he’s moved on already and found someone just like he did with me a few weeks back….the guys a fast mover…
Or is he? had he already had in mind that he would get what he wanted out of us and keep the ‘date’ he supposedly cancelled when he started dating me in reach and now he was seeing her…maybe concurrently..is he a serial dater the one that uses this dating tactic to create a social life and an constant stream of ‘physical intimacy’ on tap so to speak?
Or am I just a freakish cynical biatch because I have been hurt recently, so my trust is at an all time low.
My wonderful narcissist once drawled at me “man, you think too much”. !
I do believe that was probably one of the most truthful things he ever said to me. I do think, I think about things from various perspectives, I think alot. But I do have alot to think about.
So…the marvelous world of dating in your almost 50’s (I am still 49, so I am not claiming 50 just yet!). And the dating landscape to boot!
IT’S A FREAKIN JUNGLE OUT THERE…AYE CARUMBA
In previous posts I have mentioned the different types I have come across; cougar hunters, commitment phobes, men who say they have sorted their shit and believe me they haven’t (but who am I to judge?!), narcs, weaklings or ‘big girls blouses’ …..ISH…
The old way of dating or finding a mate just doesn’t seem to exist anymore…it just seems so bloody hard now…
But I believe in love…still…I believe that as much as it is wonderful to find yourself and be comfortable being on your own and in your company, being independent and free. Deep down, I still believe there is a beautiful love out there for everyone. A person to share your life journey with, your experiences and ultimately your twilight years….
No matter what is going on around me…I still believe and I won’t give up the dream….right now I am smiling to myself thinking how crazy I am…but thinking this way just helps..it means you are not giving up on one of the best things in life…
Love and white light xxx