It’s been a week since my last post and I have missed writing but I have kept myself busy. Things are moving forward finally, consistently, which is what I was aiming for but it took such a darn long time to get here. Time and persistence which even at my lowest, I could never quite give up even when at times I felt very close to it.
The last 5 months have been a psychological minefield, it was as if I was trying to get to the other side and the little bastard mines were setting off after so many steps forward one after the other. It had to happen. That statement may sound ridiculous but it is the truth. What started from a place of incredible hurt has turned into probably the greatest period of personal growth I have experienced in my life. The lessons learned…amazing.
The most important lesson I learned was to love myself. For most of my life I didn’t even like myself. I didn’t realise it, that I felt that way and ironically the person who made me start to think about it was ‘him’, the man that broke my heart unlike anything I have ever felt, played psychological games with my mind and pushed me to the brink.
It brought out stuff I hadn’t realised still held so much power but had remained hidden, deep in my psyche.
It took this long to go through another blinding depression and finally come out of it, without medication. This time the feeling was raw and powerful without it. For those who experience this pain for the first time and don’t get help (often because they don’t realise or fear what others will think) it’s not hard to understand how so many attempt to take their own lives. The despair, the nothingness, the pain. But for me it was more than just a depression it was a melting pot of everything that needed dealing with from deep within and if I did not do it this time my life would continue the way it always has and to me that was JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
On my good days I would say to myself ‘surely there are better answers to this’ there must be a better way to get through this and deal with things so that I never allow it to take me down again. Surely everyone has the capacity to do the work and find enough inner strength to push through it, surely I must have? Because this I can not take anymore. There are very good answers out there, you just have to search for them but they are there AND you need to search within yourself, reach deep and have faith in yourself. When you come from a place of self loathing (which is often caused by acts of others long held deep) it is a very difficult things to do. Difficult but not impossible.
As I think I saw that beautiful person and actress Audrey Hepburn once quoted as saying “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”
So now for me it is about continuing forward and growing stronger and self capable. I have always been capable of things but never believed enough and ended up self sabotaging by choosing relationships with the wrong people, taking the wrong turn and being impulsive.
None of that in general is abnormal. Everyone makes these mistakes, it is human and generally we learn from it. But when you operate consistently like that and there becomes a pattern of that behaviour which leads to hurt heartache and pain regularly you need to see, find what the root cause of this is.
I found mine. I am so grateful I have. There are things I know for certain will never have the power to hurt me again. For a while I may be hyper-vigilant in watching for the signs but over time as my self acceptance and love cements itself it will become second nature. That is my goal (one of many!!:)). And I will continue to write about it all because I believe we all have it within ourselves to become whole and happy and live a good and authentic life.
I am going to the gym again this morning. I am back to going regularly and it feels great and really helps my mind. I did take a slight backwards step on the weekend when I had a few too many red wines ( I enjoyed it far too much and had alot of laughs) but I knew what to watch out for the next day (Alcohol being a depressant) and I was strong enough this time to say ‘hey, you knew you were going to feel a bit blah today from the partying yesterday, eat well today, sleep some more and things will be fine tomorrow’. And it worked.
Presence of mind, mindset. All my research and reading on healing etc is paying off. Having an understanding and practicing the exercises with your mind work. You can rebuild new ways of thinking and replace the old bad patterns entrenched for years.
Better go for now, love and whitelight.
A great song for myself and all those out there who have been through some tough times lately AND for my favourite footy team (West Coast Eagles, Aussie rules football) who are in the finals and so far kicking arse!! :
https://youtu.be/OnlTrq6wLf0 (Steve Miller band, Fly like an Eagle)
It is possible, keep trying and you can rise above it all…