Yesterday I posted about the Sisterhood of the World blogger award someone kindly nominated me for and even though it doesn’t appear to be an official ‘award’ as such I think it originated to enable bloggers to reach out to one another and so I participated finally (I received it a couple of weeks ago thanks to mairacharmed.com). I felt chuffed that someone had thought my blog worthy of an honorable mention and wanted to pay it forward. I found it interesting as it made me investigate some of the blogs I’ve been following and some of my readers’ blogs a bit more in order for me to make my nominations. (There are some fantastic blogs out there).
I found there was a common theme of ‘connectivity’. We seem to be so disconnected in other ways these days because of technology and yet there was a huge amount of connecting going on in the blogging world. People following each others blogs and liking articles and postings, sending supportive comments to one another and it made me feel that I was part of something wonderful again. Human kindness. I hadn’t noticed that much over the days of my depression but I felt it yesterday, it hit me.
As part of my three questions to the people I nominated I asked “what piece of advice would you give your younger self today?”. I asked this because I have been referring to my younger self ‘little Roz’ (as separate from adult Roz or my outer child) the last couple of days as part of the abandonment healing exercises I have taken from Susan Anderson’s book ‘The journey from abandonment to healing’. She gets you to see your younger self separately from the adult self (I probably shouldn’t give too much away as it is a business/career for her and there are copyright issues to consider). I don’t like to spruik on this blog and I don’t get any kickback from mentioning it but as I’ve said this book is amazing in it’s accuracy (and ‘taming the outer child’ also by her). She has honestly done the work and managed to really get an understanding of the human psyche where past issues affecting future life is concerned. Abandonment is not just about being left, there is a fallout from its many forms and yes if you were abused as a child, or if your relationships have never hit the mark, or if you self sabotage or belittle yourself and your worth in this world (often resulting in depressive disorders and inability to cope) and other scenarios this may just resonate with you.
I found that my disgusting childhood experiences, subsequent relationship failures and other forms of loss including my recent choice to invest my love and trust in a narcissist again which shattered me, my inability to trust, love and nurture myself and set proper boundaries and a whole host of other things as discussed in my blog are all rooted together and formed a self deprecating, depressed hot mess of a person who has never been able to move beyond repeating circumstances until now. I have to say, I no longer accept that description I just worded of myself as such because I am starting to understand that that person did the best she could with the tools she was given and I applaud her strength and courage in the face of much adversity. It has taken me years to get here. There is still much work to be done but my mind is starting to feel a freedom it never has. I am grateful.
The approach is many pronged. I went to the gym again yesterday, I’ve been watching my diet (not dieting, I never do that I just eat well), supplements like high strength fish oils, Mega B Vitamins, super greens and other super foods and probiotics, cutting ties with certain toxic people, visiting the psych, researching depressive illnesses and becoming aware, practicing mindfulness and other things as above are all helping I feel. The biggest thing I think is my desire to take care of myself and move forward. There are still big issues in my life to contend with such as my sons degenerative illness, that is the most wrenching for me and always has been, the fact that I am getting older the work is drying up and the work landscape changing, I live in the most isolated capital city in the world an it is very expensive but I must be here for my sons, financially this illness and time I have had away and recovering has been financial and career suicide in a sense, therefore I have to look at creating my own source of income (I’ve always wanted to anyway). But realistically I am getting my health and strength of mind back and that is everything to move on with and be grateful for.
My fellow bloggers give me a source of hope and inspiration as well, we live in interesting times…there is much to enjoy and learn:)