Walk forward..one step at a time…ignore the ignorance

I just read an article about an Australian journalist whose husband committed suicide a year ago and she made an incredibly brave statement on air about where she was now a year later in her grief process and the effect of what he did and how it has rippled throughout the lives of those he left behind. She is angry with him, many would say understandably so and how damn selfish it is of him to do what he did.

It was heart-wrenching. But I see both perspectives, hers and her husbands. How? Because I still have days where I struggle to find a sense of joy in life and wonder what the alternatives are. I look at my future and it just seems like more of the same and then I feel despair, because after years of fighting this internal fight I feel incredibly tired of it all. Then I talk myself into staying because I don’t want to cause pain to my sons whom I love more than life itself and at times seem like the only reason to stay.

For a person who hasn’t experienced this profound nothingness in life it is hard to fathom. I have been cycling backwards lately, first with this horrid experience I had with Joe as it raised it’s ugly head again just when I thought I was finally over it and then just trying to walk forward one step at a time, but knowing that I am slowly running out of energy yet the clock is ticking and I am expected to just get on with things. I have had many more good days but the bad is still sometimes quite bad. The last few days have been bad. I am losing patience with myself.

I guess that is why it is so much easier for some to just take that pill. It takes the edge off the bad days. I won’t return to zombie land, I would rather be dead. But I have to question my ability to keep going like this.

Yesterday I spent the day at hospital waiting for my son to be operated on, he is 19 now (my youngest) and all of a sudden his appendix fired up and they decided to remove it was best. Both my sons are remarkably resilient. He was bantering with me in a positive and humorous way and I felt so proud of him and how he handles things. I know he suffers inside with the thought that one day he will lose his brother to the degenerative disease he has but he never complains or shows it. I worry that he doesn’t at times, you must let things out or they will strangle you  in the end. I held my real pain for my eldest in for so many years that it became part of the unholy explosion I have more recently found myself in. For me it is a continual melting pot of shit and yet I remain highly aware that all of my shit is not as bad as some others out there, but that doesn’t alleviate the pain. Why can’t I handle things like others?

My son is good by the way, I spoke with him this morning and they will be letting him out already to convalesce at home. I find this incredible but glad he is doing OK. I live so far away from the city it takes a long time to get in and he told me not to worry about making the journey today.

He is older, he has good other support, but as a mum sometimes I feel I am becoming superfluous. I sat for a while in the hospital room with my ex husband which was a kind of surreal experience. We managed to be quite civil to each other. My son woke at one stage and said “I don’t know why you both are sitting there anyway it’s not necessary” and I said “It’s because we love you” dumb-ass!.  I left a while later, his father was concerned about me getting home at a decent time which was nice of him. But I hated leaving my son. I always do.

I am glad I have a psych appointment tomorrow. There are fewer now because I have progressed somewhat. And I am still fighting to the fight.

I sometimes regret being so public about all this and there is a paranoia that people will find it all so self serving and wallowing. In some ways it is, writing it down is cathartic. Writing it down and exposing it publicly keeps me honest and maybe, someone else out there feels a bit lighter knowing that they are not alone in the quagmire of madness. I am not wallowing though, it is just how my mind is wired right now and I am working my arse off to try change it.

I need to get to a place where I do not care about what others think, and try think more of myself. Just ignore the ignorance….

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