A time of change…moving beyond the crossroads

A crossroads is often thought about in the literal sense, like the point where two roads meet, but for me right now it is the point in my life where I have important decisions some of which will dictate a large part of what my future will look like.  It’s scary, especially since the last many months I worked my way through some pretty tough days. Getting over depression unmedicated, a broken heart and mind caused by a classic narcissist’s manipulations, dealing with ghosts of a past that had a profound effect on the decisions I’d made throughout my life so far and learning to accept that I can not control the outcome where my son’s degenerative disease is concerned as much as I wanted desperately to.

What a journey. It’s only been in these last few weeks that I am starting to handle all of that without daily tears, pain and frustration. I kept fighting, but I was fighting in the wrong way, often internalising my frustrations without realising it. Habits of a lifetime.

I think many of us don’t realise how damaging taking on pain and hurt that was given to us not caused by us and turning it inwards upon ourselves. Then we live in a state that is constantly heightened (our fight and flight response) because we harbour unknowingly so much rage and anger inside at what we have had no control over not realising that this exhausting and what the overall effect on our bodies this is having is.

We hear people say “you need to learn to love yourself” and often we lightly dismiss it thinking ‘of course I love myself, what a daft thing to say’ but not realising that the things we are not acknowledging or ‘dealing’ with, refusing to accept is having such a profoundly negative effect on our lives, minds and body. From where I stand now, and what I have learned I am completely baffled that we can live in such self ignorance, but we do and it is human. We make mistakes.

I have come to realise that this time in my life has been a watershed moment. That all things were leading up to this and I am very grateful for the lessons I have learned, some as my psych told me the other day is monumental stuff that usually takes people many years of therapy and work to move through.

There has been no magic bullet. Just a profound desire to change. A want to take control of my life’s direction a little more than I had and make things happen rather than allow life to hand me often some pretty shit cards and just say ‘ok’ let me have it! Shall I bend over?!

No more.

There will always be things we just can not control, it just is. But I think James Dean once said;

“I cant change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination”

and  Oscar Wilde;

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all”

Well, I have adjusted my sails and I choose to live.

I had another meeting with my boss the other day and not unexpectedly they have decided to pay out the last part of my contract. It was due to end soon but the time I was ill was long and they had to make the crucial decisions they did and yet they afforded me the safety net of thinking I still had a job whilst I was ill. For that I am very grateful. Many companies would not have done that, as many do not view employees as human, they are just a means to an end. I have worked for some absolute arseholes but I must admit I have always been the type of person to say ‘you may shove your job up your arse, I will get another!’

In this time of my life it will not necessarily be as easy to go back to my current career because of the gap and how things are not as they were on the work landscape. Things have changed.

But I hold no fear. I know I can trust myself now and I have been given a marvelous opportunity..the gift of confidence in self and the freedom to choose. Many don’t have that, I know and I am thankful.

I will write about how I got to this point of learning and healing because I feel it important to share, it may help others it may not. But I do appreciate the knowledge that others pass on from their experiences etc, it has been invaluable.

Right now I need to visit my mother in hospital, it is funny, after the many things that happened years ago and finally her apology to me recently something happened a few days ago and now she needs me. I am happy now to help, our relationship is better, healed. I have let the poison that was sitting inside of me go.

I had a bit of an adventure yesterday, with my old ‘friend’ the Fin! I wrote about him many posts before, months ago, he is back and it was fun. But I am enjoying my new found sense of freedom and health and I intend on taking my time to enjoy it….

Love and white light x

It is possible..try, try again..fly like an eagle…

It’s been a week since my last post and I have missed writing but I have kept myself busy. Things are moving forward finally, consistently, which is what I was aiming for but it took such a darn long time to get here. Time and persistence which even at my lowest, I could never quite give up even when at times I felt very close to it.

The last 5 months have been a psychological minefield, it was as if I was trying to get to the other side and the little bastard mines were setting off after so many steps forward one after the other. It had to happen. That statement may sound ridiculous but it is the truth. What started from a place of incredible hurt has turned into probably the greatest period of personal growth I have experienced in my life. The lessons learned…amazing.

The most important lesson I learned was to love myself. For most of my life I didn’t even like myself. I didn’t realise it, that I felt that way and ironically the person who made me start to think about it was ‘him’, the man that broke my heart unlike anything I have ever felt, played psychological games with my mind and pushed me to the brink.

It brought out stuff I hadn’t realised still held so much power but had remained hidden, deep in my psyche.

It took this long to go through another blinding depression and finally come out of it, without medication. This time the feeling was raw and powerful without it. For those who experience this pain for the first time and don’t get help (often because they don’t realise or fear what others will think) it’s not hard to understand how so many attempt to take their own lives. The despair, the nothingness, the pain. But for me it was more than just a depression it was a melting pot of everything that needed dealing with from deep within and if I did not do it this time my life would continue the way it always has and to me that was JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

On my good days I would say to myself ‘surely there are better answers to this’ there must be a better way to get through this and deal with things so that I never allow it to take me down again. Surely everyone has the capacity to do the work and find enough inner strength to push through it, surely I must have? Because this I can not take anymore. There are very good answers out there, you just have to search for them but they are there AND you need to search within yourself, reach deep and have faith in yourself. When you come from a place of self loathing (which is often caused by acts of others long held deep) it is a very difficult things to do. Difficult but not impossible.

As I think I saw that beautiful person and actress Audrey Hepburn once quoted as saying “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”

So now for me it is about continuing forward and growing stronger and self capable. I have always been capable of things but never believed enough and ended up self sabotaging by choosing relationships with the wrong people, taking the wrong turn and being impulsive.

None of that in general is abnormal. Everyone makes these mistakes, it is human and generally we learn from it. But when you operate consistently like that and there becomes a pattern of that behaviour which leads to hurt heartache and pain regularly you need to see, find what the root cause of this is.

I found mine. I am so grateful I have. There are things I know for certain will never have the power to hurt me again. For a while I may be hyper-vigilant in watching for the signs but over time as my self acceptance and love cements itself it will become second nature. That is my goal (one of many!!:)). And I will continue to write about it all because I believe we all have it within ourselves to become whole and happy and live a good and authentic life.

I am going to the gym again this morning. I am back to going regularly and it feels great and really helps my mind. I did take a slight backwards step on the weekend when I had a few too many red wines ( I enjoyed it far too much and had alot of laughs) but I knew what to watch out for the next day (Alcohol being a depressant) and I was strong enough this time to say ‘hey, you knew you were going to feel a bit blah today from the partying yesterday, eat well today, sleep some more and things will be fine tomorrow’. And it worked.

Presence of mind, mindset. All my research and reading on healing etc is paying off. Having an understanding and practicing the exercises with your mind work. You can rebuild new ways of thinking and replace the old bad patterns entrenched for years.

Better go for now, love and whitelight.

A great song for myself and all those out there who have been through some tough times lately AND for my favourite footy team (West Coast Eagles, Aussie rules football) who are in the finals and so far kicking arse!! :

https://youtu.be/OnlTrq6wLf0   (Steve Miller band, Fly like an Eagle)

It is possible, keep trying and you can rise above it all…

The younger me…free your mind…connectivity

Yesterday I posted about the Sisterhood of the World blogger award someone kindly nominated me for and even though it doesn’t appear to be an official ‘award’ as such I think it originated to enable bloggers to reach out to one another and so I participated finally (I received it a couple of weeks ago thanks to mairacharmed.com). I felt chuffed that someone had thought my blog worthy of an honorable mention and wanted to pay it forward. I found it interesting as it made me investigate some of the blogs I’ve been following and some of my readers’ blogs a bit more in order for me to make my nominations. (There are some fantastic blogs out there).

I found there was a common theme of ‘connectivity’. We seem to be so disconnected in other ways these days because of technology and yet there was a huge amount of connecting going on in the blogging world. People following each others blogs and liking articles and postings, sending supportive comments to one another and it made me feel that I was part of something wonderful again. Human kindness. I hadn’t noticed that much over the days of my depression but I felt it yesterday, it hit me.

As part of my three questions to the people I nominated I asked “what piece of advice would you give your younger self today?”. I asked this because I have been referring to my younger self ‘little Roz’ (as separate from adult Roz or my outer child) the last couple of days as part of the abandonment healing exercises I have taken from Susan Anderson’s book ‘The journey from abandonment to healing’. She gets you to see your younger self separately from the adult self (I probably shouldn’t give too much away as it is a business/career for her and there are copyright issues to consider). I don’t like to spruik on this blog and I don’t get any kickback from mentioning it but as I’ve said this book is amazing in it’s accuracy (and ‘taming the outer child’ also by her). She has honestly done the work and managed to really get an understanding of the human psyche where past issues affecting future life is concerned. Abandonment is not just about being left, there is a fallout from its many forms and yes if you were abused as a child, or if your relationships have never hit the mark, or if you self sabotage or belittle yourself and your worth in this world (often resulting in depressive disorders and inability to cope) and other scenarios this may just resonate with you.

I found that my disgusting childhood experiences, subsequent relationship failures and other forms of loss including my recent choice to invest my love and trust in a narcissist again which shattered me, my inability to trust, love and nurture myself and set proper boundaries and a whole host of other things as discussed in my blog are all rooted together and formed a self deprecating, depressed hot mess of a person who has never been able to move beyond repeating circumstances until now. I have to say, I no longer accept that description I just worded of myself as such because I am starting to understand that that person did the best she could with the tools she was given and I applaud her strength and courage in the face of much adversity. It has taken me years to get here. There is still much work to be done but my mind is starting to feel a freedom it never has. I am grateful.

The approach is many pronged. I went to the gym again yesterday, I’ve been watching my diet (not dieting, I never do that I just eat well), supplements like high strength fish oils, Mega B Vitamins, super greens and other super foods and probiotics, cutting ties with certain toxic people, visiting the psych, researching depressive illnesses and becoming aware, practicing mindfulness and other things as above are all helping I feel. The biggest thing I think is my desire to take care of myself and move forward. There are still big issues in my life to contend with such as my sons degenerative illness, that is the most wrenching for me and always has been, the fact that I am getting older the work is drying up and the work landscape changing, I live in the most isolated capital city in the world an it is very expensive but I must be here for my sons,  financially this illness and time I have had away and recovering has been financial and career suicide in a sense, therefore I have to look at creating my own source of income (I’ve always wanted to anyway). But realistically I am getting my health and strength of mind back and that is everything to move on with and be grateful for.

My fellow bloggers give me a source of hope and inspiration as well, we live in interesting times…there is much to enjoy and learn:)

Sisterhood of the world blogger award

Special thanks to mairacharmed for nominating me for

Sisterhood of the world Blogger Award

the Sisterhood of the World Blogger Award.

Please note her link below.

.http://mairacharmed.com/2015/08/25/blogger-recognition-and-sisterhood-of-the-world-blogger-awards/

As part of the award nomination you are asked to write about your blog and how it started and I feel that my ‘about’ pretty much tells you about me but the reason I started it was because I love to write and I found that it helped me to let out my thoughts on the challenges I have been experiencing.  I felt that maybe it could provide some solidarity for others experiencing similar issues. I started to read blogs and realised there is a whole world of connection out there through blogging and I wanted to take part and share with others. We have so much to learn from each other.

There are rules attached to this award nomination and they are:

Rules: Copied from Maira’s blog:
1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and link to their blog.
2. Answer the questions that the blogger who nominated you has provided.
3. Nominate FOUR other bloggers.
4. Create 10 questions for your nominees and notify them of their nomination – this rule I’m going to break. Just three questions for you, ladies:

Answers to the three questions from Maira;

1.Who is my favourite author?

That is a hard one because I read many different genres but the one author I will always remember with fondness is the childrens author Enid Blyton. I loved her books when I was a young girl they took me away to wonderful fantasy worlds and away from the hell of my childhood.

2. Describe your perfect day.

That is also hard because I am torn between the days I spend with my boys (they are nearly always perfect!) and then a day somewhere in nature; the beach, a walk in the forest or national park or just a fantastic lunch or BBQ with friends.

3. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

In a much happier place:)

My nominees are:

  1. http://www.theseeds4life.com/
  2. http://thereporterandthegirl.com/
  3. https://poisonousyvy.wordpress.com/
  4. http://gentlementalannie.com/

My 3 questions are:

  1. What piece of advice would you give your younger self today?
  2. What is your most favourite blog post of all time?
  3. What makes you smile?

Finding peace…hitting the limit…no holding back now..

When I started to write this it was a beautiful bright sunny morning, only 14 degrees Celsius and lovely. To sit and recognise something as simple as the sunshine and to stop and appreciate it keeps you in the moment. And that is imperative when you are trying to mend a mind that tends to ruminate and is recovering from deep depression amongst other things.

I had taken some bad steps back in the last week or so but it was necessary and understandable and I am going to write about it because this blog is about my journey to inner peace, moving forward, overcoming life’s obstacles and living authentically and maybe it may resonate with someone out there as I have said before. And it helps to write. I can’t talk to people here, friends, about it they have reached their limit of care and I don’t want to burden them anyway. Most don’t give a toss and that is fair enough.

I slept well last night, I went to bed satisfied for a change. I watched my Aussie rules football team absolutely kick arse. They are now 2nd on the ladder and in the finals yipppeee.  I am a mad keen West Coast Eagles fan, have been from the start win or lose. I am no fair-weather fan! My sons would take a wide berth if the game was on TV, they would laugh and say ‘mum you are crazy, they can’t hear you through the TV screen!’

I realised last night if I could apply that same passion for my footy team towards many other things I would be out of the hole by now. What a dichotomous thing. But in fairness to myself (and I am trying to do that regularly, be fair to myself) there have been bloody good reasons why I haven’t. And now I am fully aware of it and working on it.

I went to the gym yesterday. I was finally well enough to after the flu and I was so glad I did. The experience was different because this time I enjoyed it knowing it was for me..not trying to get myself all gorgeous for ‘him’, it was for me and my mind and health and when that demon tried to intrude in my thoughts I politely told him to f#%k off and I upped my pace!

My Psych session Friday was draining. I hadn’t seen her for a little while and there was a lot to discuss. I had more recently had flashbacks of some pretty disgusting repressed memories from childhood and that had floored me for days and I found myself clinging to the memory of him and the ridiculous idealisation of that classless blood sucking vampire because as they say ‘better the devil you know’, clinging to false memories of him was safer than to deal with the visions of my repressed memories.

I now realise how he managed to get into my brain, I was ripe for the picking and he knew it. I shared with him things I had never with anyone and he used it and played it well but I am on to him now, really onto him and I no longer want to  play. The game is over. He is as good as dead to me.  I have hit my limit.

I have decided that I can not forgive certain people for the pain they have caused me and I am so fed up with the bullshit that you must. You don’t and it is this realisation that has brought me some peace finally. I may or may not ever and THAT IS OK. People expect you to forgive because it makes them feel good, all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies, they feel as if they have seen you heal right before their eyes…but you need to do what works for you…it is hard for many to understand and these days care factor has a time limit. We are bombarded by so much despair and bad images we desensitize and try to keep away from it for our own peace of mind.

Let me put it this way; would you forgive the snake that bites you and fills you with the poison that just may kill you? (Forgive me Dalai Lama, there are times when you just can’t).

She (my psych) told me she thought I was actually doing quite well and that my backwards steps were understandable especially as I was forced into psycho prison again, bedridden from my flu and that unfortunately gave my mind far too much time to wander and ruminate, my energy was down very low.

She also said that I needed to keep very active if I was going to stave off further depressions without medication and I accept that you must keep active, it is a no brainer but I also feel that it is not as simplistic as that and as time goes on I am starting to see just exactly what is needed and it is daunting but necessary. No one can categorize depression specifically there are many causes and it can incorporate other issues like anxiety and trauma and therefore the approach to protecting yourself from it can be complex and take time to realise. No one size fits all as I have said before.

This time has taught me alot. I won’t shy from saying things that need to be said just because other people feel discomfort. I don’t fear abandonment anymore because I have felt it all my life and it has caused about as many wounds as it can….no more. I have shouldered far too much of that discomfort internally and refuse to do it any longer. It is one thing to say it, now I must follow through. These wounds run deep and the internalisation and self disgust have been part of the landscape for so long it is impossibly hard to be rid of in two seconds. It involves changing an entire belief system and setting up boundaries where there were none and that is not easy the older you get.

For now, its a beautiful day. Too beautiful to stay inside….

Walk forward..one step at a time…ignore the ignorance

I just read an article about an Australian journalist whose husband committed suicide a year ago and she made an incredibly brave statement on air about where she was now a year later in her grief process and the effect of what he did and how it has rippled throughout the lives of those he left behind. She is angry with him, many would say understandably so and how damn selfish it is of him to do what he did.

It was heart-wrenching. But I see both perspectives, hers and her husbands. How? Because I still have days where I struggle to find a sense of joy in life and wonder what the alternatives are. I look at my future and it just seems like more of the same and then I feel despair, because after years of fighting this internal fight I feel incredibly tired of it all. Then I talk myself into staying because I don’t want to cause pain to my sons whom I love more than life itself and at times seem like the only reason to stay.

For a person who hasn’t experienced this profound nothingness in life it is hard to fathom. I have been cycling backwards lately, first with this horrid experience I had with Joe as it raised it’s ugly head again just when I thought I was finally over it and then just trying to walk forward one step at a time, but knowing that I am slowly running out of energy yet the clock is ticking and I am expected to just get on with things. I have had many more good days but the bad is still sometimes quite bad. The last few days have been bad. I am losing patience with myself.

I guess that is why it is so much easier for some to just take that pill. It takes the edge off the bad days. I won’t return to zombie land, I would rather be dead. But I have to question my ability to keep going like this.

Yesterday I spent the day at hospital waiting for my son to be operated on, he is 19 now (my youngest) and all of a sudden his appendix fired up and they decided to remove it was best. Both my sons are remarkably resilient. He was bantering with me in a positive and humorous way and I felt so proud of him and how he handles things. I know he suffers inside with the thought that one day he will lose his brother to the degenerative disease he has but he never complains or shows it. I worry that he doesn’t at times, you must let things out or they will strangle you  in the end. I held my real pain for my eldest in for so many years that it became part of the unholy explosion I have more recently found myself in. For me it is a continual melting pot of shit and yet I remain highly aware that all of my shit is not as bad as some others out there, but that doesn’t alleviate the pain. Why can’t I handle things like others?

My son is good by the way, I spoke with him this morning and they will be letting him out already to convalesce at home. I find this incredible but glad he is doing OK. I live so far away from the city it takes a long time to get in and he told me not to worry about making the journey today.

He is older, he has good other support, but as a mum sometimes I feel I am becoming superfluous. I sat for a while in the hospital room with my ex husband which was a kind of surreal experience. We managed to be quite civil to each other. My son woke at one stage and said “I don’t know why you both are sitting there anyway it’s not necessary” and I said “It’s because we love you” dumb-ass!.  I left a while later, his father was concerned about me getting home at a decent time which was nice of him. But I hated leaving my son. I always do.

I am glad I have a psych appointment tomorrow. There are fewer now because I have progressed somewhat. And I am still fighting to the fight.

I sometimes regret being so public about all this and there is a paranoia that people will find it all so self serving and wallowing. In some ways it is, writing it down is cathartic. Writing it down and exposing it publicly keeps me honest and maybe, someone else out there feels a bit lighter knowing that they are not alone in the quagmire of madness. I am not wallowing though, it is just how my mind is wired right now and I am working my arse off to try change it.

I need to get to a place where I do not care about what others think, and try think more of myself. Just ignore the ignorance….

I need a lobotomy….or a good stiff..drink..diary of a madwoman…

Finally the damned flu that floored me for what feels like two weeks…can’t be bothered counting, is going. I’ve been holed up in my psycho prison again and just when I thought everything was getting better and I was moving forward my brain has latched on to the one thing I should totally forget…for posterity…forever.

I’ve avoided writing because I felt it would go within a day or so I believed it would.  I am being light about it at present but I feel a despair about why I can not seem to let this thing go for any semblance of time. Why all of a sudden am I back thinking constantly about him, wanting so desperately to hear from him, wondering how he is. IT IS PATHETIC. It is soul destroying and I feel like I am losing my mind.

What made it infinitely worse is that I wrote to him, after managing no contact for a reasonable period of time. It has been four months since he wrote to me and since I left him. The catalyst who brought me to my knees, physically and psychologically, what did I expect; a declaration of undying love and an apology for the pain and suffering caused.

I am considering self admittance to a psych ward at the very least or a partial lobotomy…but fuck it maybe I will have to settle for a good stiff drink….

I can have a good…stiff….the younger man I have just started to see now and then is wanting to catch up. I don’t want him right now I want ‘HIM’ but the ironic thing is I know he could not give me what I hold as a fantasy in my brain…he is just not capable on so many levels. Loving him is painful.  I have seen it first hand…experienced it. What is this that is going on in my head?

How can there be so many good steps forward and then a million back? Why did I ever look back in his direction over a year ago….why did I? Why did he? And what is it about him that I can’t let go of…..I’m losing it…..it hurts…