A crossroads is often thought about in the literal sense, like the point where two roads meet, but for me right now it is the point in my life where I have important decisions some of which will dictate a large part of what my future will look like. It’s scary, especially since the last many months I worked my way through some pretty tough days. Getting over depression unmedicated, a broken heart and mind caused by a classic narcissist’s manipulations, dealing with ghosts of a past that had a profound effect on the decisions I’d made throughout my life so far and learning to accept that I can not control the outcome where my son’s degenerative disease is concerned as much as I wanted desperately to.
What a journey. It’s only been in these last few weeks that I am starting to handle all of that without daily tears, pain and frustration. I kept fighting, but I was fighting in the wrong way, often internalising my frustrations without realising it. Habits of a lifetime.
I think many of us don’t realise how damaging taking on pain and hurt that was given to us not caused by us and turning it inwards upon ourselves. Then we live in a state that is constantly heightened (our fight and flight response) because we harbour unknowingly so much rage and anger inside at what we have had no control over not realising that this exhausting and what the overall effect on our bodies this is having is.
We hear people say “you need to learn to love yourself” and often we lightly dismiss it thinking ‘of course I love myself, what a daft thing to say’ but not realising that the things we are not acknowledging or ‘dealing’ with, refusing to accept is having such a profoundly negative effect on our lives, minds and body. From where I stand now, and what I have learned I am completely baffled that we can live in such self ignorance, but we do and it is human. We make mistakes.
I have come to realise that this time in my life has been a watershed moment. That all things were leading up to this and I am very grateful for the lessons I have learned, some as my psych told me the other day is monumental stuff that usually takes people many years of therapy and work to move through.
There has been no magic bullet. Just a profound desire to change. A want to take control of my life’s direction a little more than I had and make things happen rather than allow life to hand me often some pretty shit cards and just say ‘ok’ let me have it! Shall I bend over?!
There will always be things we just can not control, it just is. But I think James Dean once said;
“I cant change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination”
and Oscar Wilde;
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all”
Well, I have adjusted my sails and I choose to live.
I had another meeting with my boss the other day and not unexpectedly they have decided to pay out the last part of my contract. It was due to end soon but the time I was ill was long and they had to make the crucial decisions they did and yet they afforded me the safety net of thinking I still had a job whilst I was ill. For that I am very grateful. Many companies would not have done that, as many do not view employees as human, they are just a means to an end. I have worked for some absolute arseholes but I must admit I have always been the type of person to say ‘you may shove your job up your arse, I will get another!’
In this time of my life it will not necessarily be as easy to go back to my current career because of the gap and how things are not as they were on the work landscape. Things have changed.
But I hold no fear. I know I can trust myself now and I have been given a marvelous opportunity..the gift of confidence in self and the freedom to choose. Many don’t have that, I know and I am thankful.
I will write about how I got to this point of learning and healing because I feel it important to share, it may help others it may not. But I do appreciate the knowledge that others pass on from their experiences etc, it has been invaluable.
Right now I need to visit my mother in hospital, it is funny, after the many things that happened years ago and finally her apology to me recently something happened a few days ago and now she needs me. I am happy now to help, our relationship is better, healed. I have let the poison that was sitting inside of me go.
I had a bit of an adventure yesterday, with my old ‘friend’ the Fin! I wrote about him many posts before, months ago, he is back and it was fun. But I am enjoying my new found sense of freedom and health and I intend on taking my time to enjoy it….
Love and white light x