It’s human I guess…forward, backward or the same…

It feels like everything is almost at a standstill right now, I can hear the tick tock of the clock in the hallway which tells me it isn’t but as I look out at the garden from my window I am aware of this moment and yet my mind keeps flitting into ‘go’ mode; what next, what should I be doing now, how do I make the most of this time and where am I headed in the future. It’s ridiculous, the mind chatter. I have learnt to be in the moment a bit more and yet I struggle at times to keep the chatter at bay still, it takes practice, persistence and patience.

Realistically, things are almost at a standstill. I am still recovering from flu and a long depressive bout, heartbreak, soul search, life transition…what am I expecting of myself? My life?

On the up side I met with my company yesterday, my boss and the inevitable HR rep. They were for the most part very welcoming and understanding and we are working on a time frame. It was at times difficult to answer some of the questions without feeling a lump in my throat but I have come to accept that I am still slightly more emotionally heightened as my mind and body tries to regulate and find ‘it’s groove’.

There seemed to be a concern at why I did not choose to go back on medication, as if that would be the answer to all my woes. I am used to this. The lay person and medico’s alike are all for it..with gusto.

I guess that is a common human response these days, if there is a quick fix, a magic pill let’s just do that and get on with it. Who has the time or inclination to do the work on self, unmedicated, why would you?

I do not, agree. My choice is right for me, I know it and if it takes time and the ride is difficult I don’t care the effort is worth it I am already seeing that. There is an undercurrent of strength there that I recognise had not been there before even though I had been told many times I seem like a strong person, I had never believed it until now. That is a big thing for me. Those that have questioned their value in this life will understand that.

So, even though I am forced to semi standstill at the moment I can be conscious of what I need to do to keep going forward and keep working on strengthening my mind and body. I have been invited out to Friday drinks, a farewell to an ex colleague many companies ago. A couple of the girls I stay in touch with and know we probably always will. I really want to go but the antibiotics (yes, I did cave on that one but it was necessary in this case!) have not quite kicked in and I want to be well enough to go back to gym as soon as possible, it is important for my mind.

I will probably have a glass of good red this afternoon and put some good music on, I need my music, it feeds my soul. I did ask the pharmacist and he winked at me and said a glass of red wouldn’t hurt.

‘He’ (Joe the narc) used to say to me that my ‘partying’ (meaning drinking) would be a contentious issue between us. He had very specific ideas on how I should behave and what I should do I came to realise, part of his need to control every aspect. I don’t ‘party’ often. I did not drink at all for the many months we were connected because of his issue with it.

Ironically it did feel good being alcohol free for a long period of time, it helped my mind and body and it also proved I could be. But I now make the decision for myself  and try to self regulate. There is no point in fooling yourself.

I have felt slightly reflective in the last day or two about a number of things including him. But one brought a bit of sadness, a dear friend I have known since I was 8 years old was just married for the first time. We are both 49. They had the ceremony in Koh Samui, Thailand. I love Thailand and Koh Samui.  I have seen photos it looked amazing. She looked beautiful and happy. And I am so glad she is happy, she deserves it.

Somehow, our friendship is not what it used to be. I felt sad that I couldn’t be there with her, she was my maid of honour at my wedding many years ago. I am long divorced. We had some crazy times together as kids like trying to catch fish using canned sardines for bait! Obviously without success!  Over the years I was so involved with my sons especially my eldest and what his neurodegenerative disease would do to him (he was priority and trying to keep my depressions hidden from the boys as they grew up and function on high at all times was difficult but necessary) and she was never really there for that and equally just over a year ago she lost her mum from breast cancer and I wasn’t there for her or really seeing her son (my godson) as he grew up.  I regret that, hers was a friendship that meant alot to me. We still support each other from afar via Facebook with the odd ‘like’ and comment. I am so happy for her she has found a partner for life, I hope it will be for life.

I have come to accept there are things we can’t change, it is past. Friends grow apart, our lives go in different directions, c’est la vie.

In the future I hope to rekindle some of the old friendships that I treasure and perhaps put more into it than I have been capable of until now. Time will tell. Right now an almost standstill, but that is not so bad when you need it…..

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