In a half sleep in the early hours of this morning, after coughing and spluttering, I heard my little bell go off. The little bell sound on my smartphone which indicates I have email on one of my accounts. These days it is all wordpress, and I am thankful for that, it tells me about the marvelous people who have taken the time to read my waffle and other things, but that bell used to tell me ‘he’ had written again and it took me ages before my heart would stop reverberating in my chest at that sound, anticipation…excited it was him.
Finally, I no longer feel those sensations and response that had become diligent and in it’s own way a ‘little bell’. The body and in particular the brain is so amazing. How it adapts, new neural pathways develop constantly, our responses like fight and flight, it’s ability to regenerate after onslaught, mind boggling.
I am still only a quarter of the way through Susan Anderson’s 2 books, I keep falling asleep after reading for a while because of this damned flu, but the more I go into them the more I say ‘AHA!’. Sometimes you are drawn to the things you need by coincidence or little serendipities that somehow take you there, little happenstances. I came across her writing by reading blogs. As often happens you read and then you see a link or an honorable mention and you click on it and things just unfold there before you. What an amazing time we live in, worldwide access to information instantly.
We can be more connected than ever and yet there is also a huge disconnect in some ways as we sit eyes focused on our screens. It’s at times mesmerizing, yet isolating. We need to be connected as human beings, we need our clan to provide all the moral, physiological, safety and belonging, love and support.
Often when you are recovering from a broken heart or other relationship breakdown people will say you need time to heal, space and time to look within find who you are and love and nurture yourself.
But I have found that we too often end up turning ON ourselves and internalizing, we blame ourselves for the breakup or why failures in our connections have happened; why did this person not find me worthy of loving, why didn’t I just do more, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be with me, I should have handled things better, should have tried harder…it goes on.
Self esteem, self worth? Yes, but often it’s more than that. We operate out of learned responses from life, like an automaton we react according to the storage of experiences we have consciously and subconsciously and we do what we know and are familiar with and if that comes from a place of many wounds there are layers and layers of data in our brain and body that makes us react to any circumstance that may create more wounds often exacerbating what we are trying to avoid in the first place. Self defeat, self sabotage.
I don’t know if this makes sense to others reading this but it does to me. After what I have just experienced I need to grow and learn and change somewhat (not everything, I have come to like certain things about myself, finally). I know I need a comprehensive approach to lessen the sting and heal the wounds I have carried for my lifetime so far. Re build those pathways, learn new good habits and responses be aware of my ‘triggers’ for depression, be aware as I take on new connections in my life and stop turning inwards on myself and isolating.
I have missed so many wonderful things because they have coincided with a period of depression or I have not had the courage to follow through because of my mind and body’s learned responses. For example flight..I have walked away from good relationships because I’ve felt inevitably it could never work and they would leave me so I’d better leave them first. I truly feel that some of my depressions have been triggered by the inability to cope with what I feel is the inevitably that I will be left on my own again so I go inward and eventually my lack of self worth envelopes me and I no longer feel of use to this world.
I guess I am over simplifying to an extent, but as my mind starts to recharge and I gain more clarity as the days go on I see so much more than I have seen before and I can chose to work with it or go back into auto mode back into the way things were ready for another bout when it happens.
I am grateful for the lessons learned this time around, it was worth the pain.
Tomorrow I meet with my boss about a possible return to work. I am no longer fearful of going out there and doing that, I am looking forward to it even though I know it will not be a long term prospect. When my contract ends I will hopefully be ready to go it alone from a work perspective, doing what I really want to rather than have to, we shall see.
Days gone by for women my age there would not have been as many options as there are today. Our only limit is ourselves and I’m seriously working on that! Then I am going to the Doctor because I think I may unfortunately need antibiotics to clear up this horrible yuk I am experiencing with this flu as it is not clearing, and nowadays to me any medication is a very last resort. Our minds and bodies are marvelous vehicles that can do incredible things if we treat them right, with respect and kindness.
I have been reading some of the wonderful blogs out there and it has made me realise the amount of talent there is and how much I don’t know about digital publishing and writing but I am coming to really love it and want to learn more. Many are so creative, beautiful poetry and prose, exquisitely produced graphics, photos and written word, it is a joy. And those that are just sharing their stories of survival and moving forward, care for others, inspirational. We can learn so much from each other.
I want to go for a run outside in the sunshine but physically that is impossible right now…arrgghh..mind and body; respect and kindness to equals better health and more smiles!…..Patience grasshopper….:)