So all weekend I have been pretty much bed ridden again not in misery as such but because I somehow managed to catch a watered down version of the Flu (it felt like the flu but I did have a flu vaccination when I got back from the States so I’m quite baffled about that) and I have been spluttering from almost every orifice…YUK.
I am still unwell with the lurgy but I don’t feel sad or down anymore about things (I was in a clinical depression before but that started to change to just profound sadness and disappointment, there is a difference), pensive but not sad. It almost feels as if my body knew I just wanted to start running around like a crazy person doing stuff (!) and it said ‘no you don’t, you just need a tad longer to recover’! My work meeting is Thursday and I am going to be better by then…grrrhh
I have always operated with the switch on high when I am functioning, that has been a habit of a lifetime and when I look at things now I realise that you can not do that for long periods of time without the batteries needing a recharge or the body rebelling. I have asked all my psych’s if I am bi-polar and the answer was No, I don’t have the extreme’s that are classic and other markers that conclude a diagnosis of bi-polar. And up until my first case of post natal depression I had never suffered from depression either; 29 years without it (although I did keep buried a pandora’s box of crap that needed dealing with, eventually). Then they put me on the anti-depressant roundabout and things were never the same. I am still grateful I am off them now, for me it was the best thing to do.
This time has been a massive drain on my mind and body but the amazing thing is that I can see things now that I just couldn’t before.
I watched a Aussie show called One plus One the other day and they were interviewing Rick Springfield; Actor, singer, writer. He was actually Australian and then he moved to America in the early days of his career and had a reasonable amount of success. Songs like “jessie’s girl” and he was a long loved character on General Hospital that well known long running soap opera. I remember having a bit of a crush on him as a young girl, he was hot!! He was asked questions about his past successes and his life in general and he disclosed that he had long suffered depression (he nicknamed it Mr D) throughout his life. Going through it with a sense that he was never really good enough and a profound sadness that rarely leaves him. I saw it in his eyes as he spoke, I felt what he was feeling as the words came, I understood. An incredible talent and a lovely human being but with little faith in himself or joy from the world around him. He felt that this was always going to be a part of his life, that he just needed to deal with as it comes.
It’s like that when you suffer depression. When you are in ‘it’ nothing gives you joy. You feel ‘why am I here. why can’t I feel the joy of life like those around me’, you feel as if you are failing as a human being, it is the worst feeling.
What I found so sad about what he said was the feeling that he would have to live with this as part of him for the rest of his life. I have heard many who suffer from it say the same thing and Doctors even. As if it is a disease that will always lay dormant and then activate at times and if you are lucky enough not to become suicidal and succeed in taking your life then you live to see another day and the roundabout will continue again at a later unknown date.
I have no idea about others, I see it, hear it, feel it however I do not wish to entertain the thought that that would be the case in my situation…I cannot speak for others…but right now the thought of ever going through another bout is just unacceptable to me. I will do whatever necessary to break this chain that has bound me for many years. Whatever work or practice is required I am prepared to do it because this insidious thing has already taken up so much of my life, has robbed me of joy for long periods of time and there is only so much of my life left…I WANT TO ENJOY IT, I INTEND ON ENJOYING IT, I WILL FIGHT TO ENJOY IT as much as I can.
There is a difference between sadness and feeling low and depression, it is a profound difference. There are different shades of sufferance, everyone has their own experience. There will always be times that we feel sadness and even things that may seem hopeless. It is NOT like the profound sense of hopelessness you feel depressed. But being sad is a part of life, to expect otherwise is ridiculous. How can we experience joy if we have never experienced sadness?
I do still at times at the moment feel, certain days a sense of “what now?”. I still struggle at certain times to be able to visualise a bright future…if I take into account my current circumstances, age and a number of other factors. I had a cab driver only last week tell me at my age I didn’t have alot of choices without a man in my life to love and support me! I just looked at him and felt sorry that he felt so capable of passing that judgement on someone he didn’t know (in the same breath he did tell me I was beautiful (smarmy bastard!)). Times like that, I would usually feel like retreating back into my isolation where it is safe. But I knew I was recovering based on my inner response to that ignorant bastard and I smiled to myself, quietly. The fight is back. The want to live is back. I don;t want to exist in fight mode all the time it is exhausting so I need to find much more inner peace and this journey has allowed me to start looking at that…putting things into practice. There is a long road ahead…but it’s worth it….x