I can’t believe it’s been over 3 days since I last wrote. Finally, I am out of the hibernation. I’m not sure about the timing of it as I look back thinking about it, when the change came exactly but it has. And this time it feels more permanent than the few false starts I have had previously. It feels real.
This has been a bastard of a depression. Over 3 months of extreme black, misery and nothingness felt at full force because I did not have medication this time. I’ve been determined not to, it took alot to get over them after 17 years. I went from having my heart demolished to completely breaking down everything that has ever effected me in this life so far. There was work to be done. I am grateful that this time my strength is coming back in such a relatively short space of time, it’s a miracle really. I keep wondering if it will last…but that is self defeating talk…IT WILL LAST…
Only very recently did I finally get an apology from my mother for what she failed to protect me from as a young girl and for leaving me with my tormentor. That was a part of the way towards healing, I needed to hear it…sorry can sometimes be a very powerful word when it is heartfelt.
There have been many things I have been working through this time, things that were never properly dealt with but bit by bit I have been facing the demons, their strength dissipating slowly. There are things you will never forget but you can make the choice to not allow them to conquer you from now on. It’s hard but you can. Like anything, you have to want to, to find the strength in your core and not give in on the fight. I understand that for some that can be quite impossible. I think about some of the famous faces that have gone in the recent past like the marvelous Robin Williams and feel a terrible sadness that he felt compelled to just let go. But I do understand where you have to be to get there.
‘He’ (Joe) no longer has control of my mind either. Finally the chords that bound me to him and all that happened are severed. I have to mention him now because this has been a large part of what I went through. But as I write I feel nothing for him. I have detached. Finally. Hang on a minute…..nope, nothing. I hope it stays that way, I am still a little dubious about this new found sense of freedom I feel. It kinda feels like learning something for the first time.
Maybe it has a little to do with my date night Tuesday. I did accept the invitation of an evening out with my younger man. I am so glad I did. There is something to be said for dating a younger man (oh yes indeedy Demi had it right all along! Well at least for a while:P).
He has more class in his little finger than Joe will ever have and there was no facade (believe me after what I just went through my senses are on high alert for BS, but I will not let that ruin my ability to eventually let another man into my life, if the right one comes, in time, I’m in no rush).
Joe was all facade the tough seemingly successful outer was a cover for a weak, insipid and confused man underneath, quite sad really.
My date was wild and fun and just what I needed. He makes me smile and laugh. He’s quite intelligent, a good conversationalist, open and honest. Has a good career, but not over the top focused or obsessed. Quite an impressive young man, balanced. I know it won’t go anywhere because of our age difference, which is kind of sad but we agreed to enjoy each others company for a while. Even last night he messaged me to say ‘that was a very good night! Thank you’. Yes, It was. He had me thinking of the qualities I really admire in a man which funnily before all this I had never really thought about, really thought about. Strange at my age but true.
I had lunch yesterday with my youngest son for his birthday which is actually on Saturday. We had Japanese food, Sake was involved, well for me it was, my very responsible young son (I am so proud of him) said he was driving back to Uni so he just laughed at me whilst I got progressively Jolly! We always have the best and often animated conversations. I’ve decided that I am going to enjoy myself over the next week or so prior to having the meeting with my boss about a return to work. I only have another 3 or so months left of my contract of which as I have said I am very surprised that they are looking at having me back for after these long months away. I am baffled, but thankful. And whilst I am finishing those last months I will work towards putting things in place again for the business I was about to start B.J (before Joe). All in good time.
I went on and had drinks with a friend after lunch yesterday and she told me I had to still be patient with and kind to myself. That had come after I commented that I’d hoped I had not had too adverse an effect on my sons over this period. I have always shielded them from the reality usually but this time it was there out in the open. It is hard not to feel selfish about it. I also think that life is very different now in that we get to see more of people’s reality ‘live and on air’ with the internet etc.
I do however feel there are many conversations that need to be had, issues in the open in order to de-stigmatise and bring more compassion and acceptance of the very real experiences that have for many years remained buried. I don’t think my recovery would be anywhere near as effective without the outlet and connect that this blog has afforded me. I admire so many of my fellow bloggers for their courage in sharing their experiences, how else can we really know and relate to one another. There is a strange kind of solidarity.
I did make it to the gym after the Doctor Monday and it felt so much better, not thinking about him so much. I will honor my commitment to continuing it. That and I have recently been adding a change in diet and adding vitamins and high strength fish oil of all things which I had read helps the brain function immensely. My eldest son has been on them for years as part of the ongoing trial of his health. I started them nearly 4 weeks ago, I am truly wondering if they have played their part in my minds recovery also, it seems as if they may have. You need to do whatever you can to move yourself forward, to help yourself.
Today I am feeling very grateful for the many blessing I have in my life…life beyond him…