So this morning after a very restless night and crazy dream filled sleep I’ve been thinking about how easy it would be to remain in this holding pattern because it feels safe and it’s pretty much what I have known for the last few months. After what turned out to be the best weekend I have had in a very long time (my Aussie rules football team had a great win late yesterday, I watched the game and overall the weekend had me feeling genuinely pleased about things for a change!! Sounds trite I guess but these months have been tough) I find I must keep away from the zone and try get out and make plans, move forward but that feeling in my gut is hovering. As much as it is discomfort you have to push out of it…when you can…
It is probably hard for many to understand, when you’ve been so low and depressed for a period of time and you become estranged and isolated from the real world only participating minimally the anxiety and fear you feel about re-engaging can be very real and debilitating. But what happened on the weekend was a grand step and a confirmation that I have turned that corner and I can do what I had feared I couldn’t; rejoin life properly with a future in sight. It’s important to remember there is no magic switch.
So the challenge is to keep moving. Today I have to see my Doctor anyway and I have decided to take my gym bag with me and visit the gym after my appointment. I know that exercise is important in my recovery and I must do it, regularly from this point on.
I emailed my boss this morning and told him we should meet soon, there was trepidation as I wrote it but I have to keep pushing forward. I have no idea after all this time what the meeting outcome will be, perhaps they have held off releasing me from the job because they did not want to make a bad situation worse and add to my situation. They have been amazing throughout this time, I am very blessed to have been associated with such an organisation.
No matter the outcome there will be a way forward I have to hold that in my mind. It feels like I may be trying to run instead of walk but I need to set achievable goals and take the steps now so that I don’t go backwards. Even if small steps.
Perhaps soon will be the time to start the business I was on the brink of starting when I met HIM again for the first time in years and things all changed and I put it all on hold after he initially was in such a rush for me to go to him….that was in the manic love bombing days (one day I will write more of his many words which now I realise were quite full on but I think need to be covered for sheer humour and ridiculousness…it can be related to by many who have ever had anything to do with a narcissist in the early days where they are hyper-vigilant and on some strange high about their new supply), I had come off anti-depressants and it all seemed like some beautiful gift from the gods.
In one conversation 3rd week in when he asked me if I knew he had always been there inside of me he said “I have imagined what I will say as your plane lands I will say to myself ‘my girl is home'”. At the time it was a romantic wonderful thing for him to say but months later when I did eventually arrive I am almost certain he was not thinking that….he had already started the cycles of devalue.
But I can’t re-visit that right now, I mustn’t. In time I will be able to perhaps but not now.
I have been asked out tomorrow night by someone I met the other night and I am seriously thinking about it. He has messaged me regularly since then, it has been a nice and flattering distraction. Perhaps too soon. But once again I need to just do things and keep moving until it all becomes natural.
It is my youngest sons birthday Saturday and I want to do something nice for him perhaps a dinner….
Oh wow…on cue he has just text me….I need to sign off for now….