Where it really comes from…timing…do I go?

For a while now I have banged on about my most recent experience with my narc. And this morning I woke and that yuk feeling was still there. But I have come to a point now where I can no longer just relate my current inability to move forward on that situation, it goes much deeper and I have touched on it but never brought it fully out in the open. Not even to my psych (although with her I have mentioned it only minimally). But I am sick to the stomach about it and many other things. I am tired of trying to deal and how long it is taking. I am sick of repeating myself and feeling the way I am feeling. It has to stop. My writing  will probably be disjointed this morning I am in a strange place….still.

My father is here in Perth right now, he is here for a number of hospital appointments which at the age of 93 most is perhaps normal. To this day I have stayed connected to him even though I have fought and held down the real pain and psychological trauma he and to an extent my mother caused me when I was a child. You don’t talk about it because nobody wants to hear it. When you are a child you believe that what is happening is normal and you learn to adapt accordingly. You do not want to walk through life being labelled. Keep away from her she is damaged goods, poor thing. It is uncomfortable and should not be discussed or out in the open. It is human to want to take a wide berth from anything that causes us discomfort or brings us down. I’m not alone in my experience but alot is hidden and there is so much worse.

Yesterday I watched Dr Phil (it was a rare situation but I felt drawn to it), who had a woman on his show Michelle Knight who was kept for many years imprisoned, raped and tortured by Ariel Castro in Cleveland Ohio and this is an extreme and horrifying situation much worse than my own I know. She has written a book and there is now a movie. She is incredible considering her situation. What she went through defies belief. As I watched her speak her speech was inclusive of humour and a kind of acceptance but I could see in her eyes a detachment and a distance.  I know it well, we learn to function and adapt almost at times as if we are out of body. She had managed to detach from the situation and seems to be doing so well but I still recognised that in her mind things will never go away and I felt some of her pain and other emotions things that will always be a part of her. I know a little of it. Not to the same extent but a drop of it. My experience was my own and I can not diminish the impact of it…I have to acknowledge it to be able to move forward…I need to.

I watched a TED session today by  Dr Nadine Burke Harris, it was on my Facebook feed. I rarely go to FB lately but this morning I happened to have a quick look. It’s funny how the timing of things seems to sync with what we are going through at the time.

It struck a chord with me and as I watched it my body started to feel very uncomfortable. A mixture of fear, stress, anxiety and illness. Sick to my stomach as I have said. Because I was reminded of things that still effect me and that I have not fully dealt with. Part of it is because of societal expectation, we must function, we must be normal and do normal things and look happy doing it. Ignore, be strong.

He called me yesterday, my father. He wanted me to go see him and comfort him and give him sympathy. Like a child needs warmth and comfort and security and love. I could not do it. I was very cold. And as he reeled off all the bad things that had been happening to him I felt nothing but disdain. I have continued to accept his phone calls and at times can behave as if nothing has happened but then other times I feel like I am in collusion with my tormentor and that I am a very sick and twisted person.

For a person who usually feels things so deeply and empathises more than usual I could not feel anything for him, but pity. He told me my cousin is flying in from another state to spend time with him and I wanted to scream out “she is a fucking ignorant idiot” because she has no idea what this man is really like and what he did to me as a child.

But I packed the ill feeling away again after the phone call ended and distracted myself by missing Joe even more. By missing yet another man who hurt me, whom I trusted and loved. But what Joe did was nothing compared to my childhood.  I shared with him the story of what happened in my childhood something I had not shared with anyone. I trusted him. Even my childhood friends, I could not tell the full story because…I just could not…I still struggle with it because to recall I feel as if I will lose what little sanity I have left and yet I know if I do not…I will remain STUCK.

I will not go into detail now, it is impossible, the reality includes; abuse sexually, psychologically, control in the extreme, alcoholism and more.  I would be writing for days and this is public, but even writing this and acknowledging it there is much to deal with I know I will go there now bring more of it into my psych sessions. I have only scratched the surface so far…him being here..my remaining stuck and sick and the TED talk and a number of things running through my head tells me it is time. Time to really go further and rid myself of this insidious shit that has held me down for so long.

Right now my thoughts are slightly jumbled. But I am feeling a strange sense of relief in even writing this much. Perhaps it is because I have learnt to pop things back into the box. For later.

Tonight a friend I cherish, is having a birthday party at a pub. Her 50th. She is a good girl and a very good and loyal friend. She collected me from the airport the day I arrived back from the States, shellshocked. She stayed in touch with me before I flew back and as I was struggling in the days after I walked out on him and still had 3 days left in Arizona heartbroken, confused, alone. I have traveled the world often on my own but I will never forget how alone and awful I felt in those days.

I had got to a point where I felt like I was going to go tonight. I wanted to go, to share her special night. Now I have that avoidance feeling creeping in again. I have avoided many functions with friends over these last months. How do I do it? But I need to go I know….

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