Cliched but true….where’s the accent aigu on my damn keyboard bloody HP…

Accent aigu is the little comma looking thingy (acute) that sits above the ‘e’ in french words that distinguishes the sound of the e.  What was the point of that bit of useless information? None really. I’m waffling. Actually there was a point to me talking about cliche’s but it has gone completely out of my head for now, bahh… Happens alot nowadays. With this bloody depression my mind is shot. My mind just goes blank all of a sudden. Perhaps its a gift from the 17 years I took anti-depressants because no bastard gave me the option to try life off them. Dunno (Aussie for Don’t know!).

So far it feels like another good day, no pain just numbness. But that may be because I tied one on last night as I intended. Sick of the shit in my head I self medicated with a lovely bottle of Red again. At least there were anti-oxidants!

Unfortunately I broke my no contact rule with shithead and wrote a very short email to say I hope his girl had a happy birthday. And I meant it at the time. I was all liquored up and feeling happy and generous. I even put a link to a song I was listening to at the time Earth Wind and Fire’s “That’s the way of the world” ( I often used to send him songs and things when things were OK. And at the time time I thought I could handle it. WRONG. Bloomin Aussie…mad as a cut snake!

There is a reason for no contact, it’s because you need to cut all ties with your pain and give yourself the chance to heal unencumbered by the hope that they will reply. I knew he wouldn’t (I was discarded disdainfully months ago) but it still hurts. And I did not write it with an expectation of a return, at the time. I should not want to have anything to do with him because if I look at the trail of what happened it is complete BS. And he is a twat of the highest order (Worse than that) and I should be doing an Irish jig that he is out of my life. But. Cognitive dissonance. It’s a bastard.

My inability to rein myself in is a constant battle. It is exhausting. Many would say ‘just do it’ you are behaving like a petulant child, yes, I am. I have no sense of discipline or boundary where love is concerned, I have never felt this way about anyone before, ever. If I want it I want it and I don’t care if I hurt myself in the process. That is not good. It’s death by a thousand cuts psychologically.

Elizabeth Taylor (many young readers will not know who she was probably), yes she who married 8 times including twice to Richard Burton was a love addict. She was a case and a half. But she always maintained Burton was the love of her life until the day she died. They just couldn’t be together. They ripped each other apart physically and psychologically. It was really quite a crazy state of affairs. He was a man prone to raising his fist, he would punch her in rage and yet she remained faithful to him in her heart. Absolutely INSANE.

Why does that happen? I put it down to cognitive dissonance. Terms like that weren’t around in those days, or maybe yes they were Festinger wrote about the theory in 1957. A man ruling a woman was the way it was done years ago. He was seen as Macho unless he couldn’t control his woman. There are still male /female discrepancies, imbalances today. He..used to constantly say to me “I just wish I hadve brought you back to the States with me 30 years ago”, it became like a mantra. And I sometimes think what he meant by that was that he could have molded me to what he wanted because I was still young then. I remember once he said ‘I often wonder if I did (if had have made love to me when I was 16) would we still be together today’.

Oh yes, his words were potent to me. They still linger. I love and hate him at the same time. I am sick.

Exposing myself and my stupidity publicly is the only way I know right now to try help myself. I could phone a friend, but there are many reasons I don’t. One is I hate admitting I am still in the same place as I was yesterday and the day before and the day before that. That is depression as well as the fallout from him. Groundhog day.

Days with bits of sunshine here and there, some days of hope and then….


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